Remembering Jovanni: Mandolyne Eleazar’s Story of Love & Loss

Rich & Wendy 0:00
Welcome to a special episode of Conversations with Rich Bennett. This is a part of our part of our 'Podathon for Recovery', 12 days of Hope, our mission to raise money for Rage Against Addiction. My co-host Wendy Beckett and I will be sharing powerful stories of addiction, recovery, and resilience to help break the stigma and show that Hope is always possible. Your support helps Rage Against Addiction provide life change and resources and you can donate right now by visiting our GoFundMe link in the show news. We are so grateful you've joined us on this important journey. Now let's get into today's conversation. 

Rich Bennett 0:39
So I am joined today by my lovely co-host Wendy and we have a special guest on with us today. We have Mandolin Alazar who is going to share her story with us and now I'm going to let the boss take it over. 

Wendy Beck 0:54
Hi Mandolin, how are 

Rich Bennett 0:56
you? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 0:56
I'm good, Harry. 

Wendy Beck 0:57
Fine, thank you. Well, we met because she responded to a post that I put out on our Rage Facebook page. We will showcase loved ones that have been lost to an overdose in August, specifically on August 31st for overdose awareness day and she actually reached out to me and shared a picture of her son and said that she was interested in volunteering or helping and I said, "Well, I think it will be great if you would want to share your story with us." And that's where we kind of got together and now here we are today and I'm just going to start by letting you kind of, you know, lead the way and how you want to talk about it because I know it's a sensitive subject. If I'm not mistaken, it was in November of 2024 which was recent, very recent. So, yeah. So again, 

Rich Bennett 1:55
not 

Wendy Beck 1:55
year. 

Rich Bennett 1:55
even a 

Wendy Beck 1:55
I'm very sorry for your loss. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 1:58
Thank you and it's an honor being on this show and being able to share the story. I think a big thing I've noticed is people don't like to talk about this stuff and I think it's important because I do feel now that times passed, you know, people moved on with their lives. I'm trying to figure out a new way to live this life without him. It's harder to talk about now than I feel like it was maybe a month or two after he passed and I think it's just, people don't talk about a lot of this enough. But yes, he had just turned 18 November first. We were planning a trip, or we had a trip planned for Mexico for his 18th and his brother 16th birthday. But, you know, unfortunately, he did pass a few days before we were supposed to leave to go on that trip. So, you know, it's been tough. He had, you know, some goals and yes, he struggled. 

Wendy Beck 3:09
Can I? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 3:10
He was, yeah, go 

Wendy Beck 3:11
I 

Mandolyne Eleazar 3:11
ahead. 

Wendy Beck 3:11
want to ask about his struggles. Like when it started, because I think a lot of people don't understand, you know, when something like this happens, losing a loved one to an overdose, there's a lot of different scenarios. I always say that the the the grief of an overdose death is very complicated. So with my daughter specifically, she struggled for a long time. She struggled for about 10 years. So that took us through the entire, you know, we went through everything that you go through almost. And so I was curious, that him being 18, when did his addiction start? Or when did you realize? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 3:50
Yeah, of course. Well, you know, I think when he was about, let me see, 13, 14, he, you know, experimented with marijuana, tried alcohol to didn't really wasn't his thing. 

His father and I got divorced in 2019. I might be getting these dates, right? Wrong. So, apologize. But, you know, he, we got divorced and then shortly after his great-grandfather, was my grandfather, they were extremely close, had passed away due to complications of COVID. So with the mixture of those things, it just, I think he just, or I know he felt like his two father figures were, you know, one left him, one was abandoning him in his mind. And he just struggled a lot. And as he got older and met new people and kind of, you know, was trying to find a way to cope with that, that pain. 

Eventually, he found his way to opioids. 

and you know, it wasn't something I think that he ever planned or wanted. Um, and, and with opioid addiction it just- Can grab you and never let go no matter how much you try. My mom, my mom as well has been, um, an addict since, you know, probably my whole life, but. 

Rich Bennett 5:26
Wow. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 5:27
Um, so, you know, he wanted to get better. He had goals. Got his GD. Um, was planning on joining the military and continuing to pursue his music career with, you know, the money he would make from the military and try to make a difference in the world. Um, He had moments of strength and hope and healing. Um, he was in continuous therapy. He did a few stays at a wonderful, wonderful residential facility for teens up in Connecticut called Newport Academy. 

Wendy Beck 5:59
okay. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 5:59
Um, and then a few other stays, um, at other facilities and, you know, addiction is just so powerful and, um, often I think it's misunderstood as well. Um, so he had been clean for about nine months from opioids. Um, and then, you know, he, he finally lost his battle to the toxic effects of vet and all on November 24. Um, just, you know, 23 days after his 18th birthday. So, you know, he did try, he tried and, um, life, you know, 

Wendy Beck 6:38
and, you know, it's not an uncommon story. It is heartbreaking and as personal as it is, it's not an uncommon story. Um, one of the things that, you know, I feel is a success to you and your family was to get him in treatment at such a young age being a 

Mandolyne Eleazar 6:56
in, 

Wendy Beck 6:56
minor 

Mandolyne Eleazar 6:56
yeah, 

Wendy Beck 6:57
extremely difficult to find a treatment center that will even take minors from where you are located to getting him to Connecticut was he was he receptive to that or was it a struggle at that point. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 7:12
So, you know, he he had gone to a few state funded facilities and unfortunately those were not, um, I would say helpful in his, you know, positive progression. 

Rich Bennett 7:27
Um, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 7:29
and then, you know, as a teenager and even as adults, we think we know everything right. So his first is a three month resident residential stay. His first time there. Um, he was, he just didn't want to put in the work. He didn't think he needed to be there. He would say, no, I'm not an addict. I can stop whenever I want. Um, he even tried to run away from there a few times, but eventually he realized, well, you know, this place is really trying to help me. I think it was probably because there's different levels to what you would get. So you would be rewarded, you know, if you reach a certain level, you could get more TV time or more phone time where you get to go outside for longer periods. So eventually he's like, okay, well, I'm not going to be able to do anything unless I start trying. And so I think month two of his first day, he started to really. try to put in the work because you only get what you give in my 

Wendy Beck 8:36
Yes, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 8:37
opinion with therapy in general. Um, and he learned quite a bit of coping mechanisms met met a really good friend there that they ended up being really good friends out of the facility. Um, and I think one of the biggest things that helped us as a family, as far as like my relationship with him, because he was just angry that I even put him, you know, in there. But I was just trying to save his life. You know, I, 

Rich Bennett 9:05
right 

Mandolyne Eleazar 9:06
I didn't want this to happen. And I wanted to be able to, you know, celebrate all of those wins with him. And, and so, you know, we tried our best and, um, but one of the things that really helped us, I think was family therapy in those sessions. They were virtual. So just because of COVID and everything they 

Rich Bennett 9:28
having 

Mandolyne Eleazar 9:28
weren't people and, and on site, but it really helped us learn how to communicate with each other with our different communication skills. And just me trying to understand, like, find better ways to 

say what I need to say to him without, you know, using the right words, I think. 

Rich Bennett 9:54
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 9:54
When we're going through things, I feel like I'm just sometimes you just spit things out, whether you're angry, sad, upset, and it's not really what you're trying to say. and 

Rich Bennett 10:07
[Music] 

Mandolyne Eleazar 10:07
then people perceive things differently as well. So that really helped us. I think the first stay was to communicate and try to listen 

and just be able to build our relationship better. And then he stayed there again last, not the 20, January, 2024 for two months. 

And he learned even more coping skills and our relationship I just felt like kept getting better and he was able to talk to me more. And he didn't feel so ashamed of his addiction and his mental health. He started to talk about it more, even in his music and his drawings. He started to put it into his art, hoping that he could help somebody else as well. 

Wendy Beck 11:05
What was the timeline for this? I mean you said it was 30, you know, started experimenting with drugs in possibly alcohol at the age of 13. And when did he go into the first facility? When did you guys decide? We need to do this and what age was he? Can you remember that? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 11:23
I will, now my dates are all over the place. I would say I had tried to start them on therapy after their father and I had gotten divorced. I just thought I wanted them to kinda talk it out. 

Rich Bennett 11:42
Yeah, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 11:42
And so

Rich Bennett 11:42
smart. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 11:44
And it, you know, it's not, I think there's a 

preconceived notion that if you're in therapy, something's wrong with you. I don't believe that, I think there are, sometimes we don't have the right resources to just talk about life. We don't have the right people around us just to talk about, oh, I had a bad day at work and those are resources 

Wendy Beck 12:12
yes, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 12:12
for us. So

Wendy Beck 12:13
I like the way that you said that because I am the mother of a teenage addict and she passed away when she was 24. And one of the things that you're saying, you know, the immediacy of the family counseling, I think is so important. And I don't really think that we can stress that enough because during that time for me I didn't really have any idea what was going on with her. It was very hush, hush. It was very secrets, it was very private about it. And I wish that I had had those resources. So, you know, going back and thinking, you know, if you could present your wisdom from what you've learned to families that are listening. 

How, okay, let me see how if I can, I can kind of convey this the way I want to. How do you get people to realize that what you said, which I think is brilliant, that you don't have to be sick in order to go to therapy. It's a tool to help people learn how to communicate because hey, 

Rich Bennett 13:19
Mm-hmm. 

Wendy Beck 13:20
you've got a teenager, which are very hard to communicate with. You have a traumatic event that just happened with a loss and a divorce, again, another reason that we need to communicate. So, when you had this type of communication with him, was he starting to open up to you? A bowel. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 13:41
Yeah, he, yes. He did start, and first it came out in therapy. And I told, you know, I have three boys and I tell all of them when they're in therapy, I think they were scared that whatever they talked about, that therapist was gonna tell me, or their father. And I start every, 

Any therapy relationship, like if they switch therapists, I say, you know, whatever they say and confide in you, please keep it, like I don't want to know. My 

Rich Bennett 14:14
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 14:14
ex-husband doesn't need to know, unless they're gonna be a harm to themselves or others, you know. Because I want them to have a space that they can go to, that they feel comfortable and that nobody's gonna, you know, they're not gonna run back to Mom, 

Rich Bennett 14:30
and 

Mandolyne Eleazar 14:30
so he's mad at you because you wouldn't buy him this. So it took them a while to, you know, really trust that. You have to build the trust. So after, I would say maybe two or three sessions with his first therapist as a teenager, I think, like I said, around 14, he had said that he had suicidal ideation. So she had to, you know, talk to me about that. And that's when I was just like, okay, you know, we have to go about this differently. It mean from birth, he was such a sweet baby, never cried, always, you know, that Gerber smiley baby was always so well behaved. But, you know, you grow up and, and, societal expectations and things you're exposed to. And then you have trauma and hormones as a teenager. And it just really changes 

Wendy Beck 15:27
yeah 

Mandolyne Eleazar 15:27
things. So, you know, I tried to make a point to him that, you know, it's it's okay. And I'm here to support you. And we'll do what we can. And I've I've had my struggles with anxiety and depression and PTSD. And again, I just think that there's just the stigma around these things and nobody wants to talk to them. And we don't feel comfortable talking about it. So you know, I just tried to encourage that and and build some kind of trust. And it wasn't always there because you know, I'm human and I screwed up and said things that I wish I could take back. But you know, we just learn from those things. 

Rich Bennett 16:07
And yeah, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 16:07
try to push forward and build our relationship. And it's true. I don't think you need I mean, I don't think you have issues just because you talk to a therapist or you see a psychiatrist. It's just, you know, mental health is just as important as physical, you know, your body. And I think the more we talk about it and the more we kind of, you know, encourage people to not see it as a bad thing. I think it, change the way that people view mental health and view addicts and and what they're going through. Because I think for my mother, I think if she would have had different support and different love and understanding from the people around her, I think her story could have been different, you know. 

Rich Bennett 17:06
Here's the thing about that too, because a lot of people have no problem talking to a friend, a family member, sometimes even a stranger 

Mandolyne Eleazar 17:15
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 17:15
about things. But yeah, you're right. They won't go to see a therapist at all. And here's my take on it. You if you talk to a family member or a or a stranger, they don't have the education. They're not licensed to tell you the right things. And it's very easy for somebody to tell you the 

Mandolyne Eleazar 17:37
thing. 

Rich Bennett 17:37
wrong I think if you go see a therapist and all honestly, I believe everybody should why not everybody's got some type of trauma in their somewhere. There's nothing wrong with talking to a therapist, but there could be a lot wrong with talking to somebody that's not trained properly to respond to 

Wendy Beck 17:56
All right. Well, everyone has their opinions. So and 

Rich Bennett 17:59
you. 

Wendy Beck 17:59
that's where the stigma falls in. And that's where I really feel like we have underestimated what trauma divorced. The death of a loved one actually does, is to anyone, but even to our youth. So we we're not even realizing what's going on is cumulative. And it's something that 

Mandolyne Eleazar 18:23
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 18:23
no matter like how much 

they go through, they kind of have to heal from all of it. And 

Mandolyne Eleazar 18:31
Yes, 

Wendy Beck 18:32
unfortunately with with addiction, it's it's a beast. It's truly it truly is. It's it's very hard. And you know, you'd mentioned that he has siblings. You have other children. How old are they? Are they older or younger? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 18:50
They're he had two younger brothers, one is 16. They were he's born November 30th. And my eldest was born November 1st. So they're two years apart. And the youngest is nine. 

Rich Bennett 19:03
Oh, wow. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 19:04
Yeah. And the nine year old, you know, I think it'll hit him differently eventually. But he's taking it, you know, a little better than I expected. But I think it's just he, He just tries to see, you know, his perception of things different at that 

Wendy Beck 19:28
it 

Mandolyne Eleazar 19:28
age. 

Wendy Beck 19:29
is. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 19:29
And a lot of it is, oh, he's still here with us. Are you, you know, meaning spiritually and 

Rich Bennett 19:35
right, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 19:36
you know, this reminds me, and he has a stuffed animals and things like that. So I think he's feels though he's still with him. And the impact to him is different. Whereas the 16 year old, it's heartbreaking. I mean, they were close, you know, only two years apart and my 16 year old doesn't know a life without his older brother. You know, he was, when he was born, he always had older brother there. And, you know, I, I know a life without my 16 year or my 18 year old, which it doesn't make it any better. But, you know, I can't imagine being 16, losing one of the most important people in your life, who you 

Rich Bennett 20:16
mm-hmm. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 20:16
are, who you can fight in and then having to deal with, you know, being a 16 year old. 

Wendy Beck 20:22
Yeah. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 20:23
In this, you know, in this generation and what they have to deal with. And, you know, it's so heartbreaking. And we want to fix it and take away all the pain and but we can't, you know, it's not something that him or I or anyone can just go over, go under, we have to go through it. And I keep trying to, you know, remind him that it's okay to be said, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry, these are stages of grief that you need to go through, you can't push away and ignore or else it's never going to go away. 

Rich Bennett 20:57
right, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 20:59
You just feel it, you have to feel it. So, it's been tough. He's, he's been going to therapy, but then he stopped because he was like, it's not helping me. And I think, you know, that's when we try to find a different therapist that will connect with him in a different way. Because I mean, I'll be honest, I've therapist that did not help me because we didn't connect. And that's okay, so we just have to find, you know, someone we can connect with and understand and help us in the ways that we need. 

Wendy Beck 21:31
And since this is we're going to air this August 

Mandolyne Eleazar 21:34
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 21:34
for overdose awareness month, I mean, I know that there's a lot of families that are impacted by this exact situation. And if want to just kind of maybe talk to us about the impact on your family, that how it has changed the dynamic, besides therapy, is there anything else that you guys are doing to um, sharing this podcast is is, is very helpful. I mean, hopefully to you, but to other people as well, I know personally, there's periods of time that's talking about it felt good. And then there's periods of time talking about it does not feel so good. And, you know, I, you know, doing the rage against addiction and and kind of, you know, pursuing helping other people, it almost sometimes feels like I can talk about her so almost notch a lot, do you know what I mean? But inside it's not the same what I'm sitting by myself. And I here we go, this is going to make me cry. I walked into a store this weekend. And so here we go, guns and roses, sweet child of mine was playing on the radio. And I just immediately got this lump in my throat. And the person that I was with 

Rich Bennett 22:55
Yep. 

Wendy Beck 22:55
had no idea that this was happening. Like I'm starting to tear up now. And you know, I remember when that song was, you know, new and, and you know, she was little and it was just so endearing and so deep. And I just, it like almost took my breath away. And I didn't even, and even mention it. I didn't say, you know, and I was glad that I could pull myself together and continue on with what I was doing. So people don't understand. And one of the things that you said was that it might have been easier to talk about it in the beginning. But as time goes on, it seems like people it, but we're not. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:35
No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I honestly, I don't think this is something that you can get ever get over. 

Wendy Beck 23:43
And I didn't mean it that way, but 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:45
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. 

Wendy Beck 23:47
just like, I 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:48
No. I 

Wendy Beck 23:48
don't wanna 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:49
it. 

Rich Bennett 23:49
get 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:50
Yeah, yeah, 

Wendy Beck 23:51
over 

Mandolyne Eleazar 23:51
yeah. Well, it's, there's was this one person that I was friends with at the beginning of this journey, who said something to me. And you can guess after I tell you, if we're still friends, but you know, they were like, you know, I've been here for you. And, and I just, you know, you, you just need to get over it and move on. And I was like, 

okay. 

Rich Bennett 24:21
Wow. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 24:21
guess if we're 

Wendy Beck 24:21
Well, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 24:22
still friends. 

Wendy Beck 24:22
I no, no. But I also, I 

Mandolyne Eleazar 24:25
No, 

Wendy Beck 24:25
lost friends 

Mandolyne Eleazar 24:26
no, 

Wendy Beck 24:26
and people that I had been, you know, friends and close to my whole life. And I'm not really sure what happened. I'm not really sure if 

They couldn't relate, so they could not be there for me, uhm, it's extremely hurtful, extremely hurtful. I mean, in your situation, he has not even been gone a year and for someone to say that to you is, I guess, it's awful. It truly is. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm getting to a point of 10 years and someone better not ever say that to me. 

Rich Bennett 25:08
absolutely. Mandy, one thing you can remember, or remember this, you'll meet a lot of new friends along the way and Wendy you could probably ask for this, you've met so many new people along the way that you know they always have your back as well. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 25:26
Yes, 

Rich Bennett 25:27
And there, they'll be there at the drop of a dime, if need be. Is 

Mandolyne Eleazar 25:31
yes, 

Rich Bennett 25:31
that the right one? Is that a Wendy-ism drop of a 

Wendy Beck 25:34
I 

Rich Bennett 25:34
dime 

Wendy Beck 25:34
don't 

Rich Bennett 25:34
or is 

Wendy Beck 25:34
know. 

Rich Bennett 25:34
it? Whatever, drop of 

Wendy Beck 25:38
doing. I know 

Rich Bennett 25:38
whatever. 

Wendy Beck 25:38
what you're saying, 

Rich Bennett 25:38
You know, what I'm 

Wendy Beck 25:39
but I know. 

Rich Bennett 25:39
Yeah. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 25:41
Well, I mean, I will say that, you know, even with my grandfather's loss, 'cause he was like my father, he raised me and we were extremely close, you learn who's really, truly genuinely there for you. 

Rich Bennett 25:55
Yes. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 25:57
And I learned that with my grandfather and with the divorce and, you know, going through the stuff with my sons, 'cause you learn who will answer the phone or the text at 2 a. m. when you're like, I just, I feel like I can't breathe, you know, 'cause that happens and I don't know what I would do without those people, especially now, my boyfriend, certain members of my family, my best friends, my kids. I don't know what I would do without them, and, you know, I'm grateful to meet you both because I, I know that, you know, there's people, like you said, we've yet to meet, and I appreciate those people that are going to be there, whether it's just this chapter or for the rest of my life. I mean, if people are there for periods and I just don't know, you know, I'm, people always would say, I'm such a strong independent person, 'cause I've had to be that way growing up. But with this, it's just, it's so hard. I'm just, you know, you're times where I just want to, you know, be able to do everything again the way I used to, and you just can't, you know, you have to find different ways of doing things and, you know, leaning on the right people. 

Wendy Beck 27:19
Well, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 27:20
and I'm trying to. 

Wendy Beck 27:21
Yeah, well, it is super early. And, you know, I'm not an expert in grief. I only have my own journey. It's a really long journey to things that people had told me, that good people had told me along my, my grief path that really resonated with me. One of the things in my early grief was that someone said to me about their own daughter that they had lost is that they had, they felt like they were wearing, like, glasses, like sunglasses, but I'll use my daughter's name, like Kelsey. And what that meant was that, at that time, after her early passing, there was nothing, nothing that was happening that didn't have to go through the Kelsey glasses first to get to me. So, you know, it was a holiday I thought of her. It was a, everything. I mean, from the song on the radio to the food that we were eating to the store to the everything, everything had to be filtered through those glasses. And I honestly felt like the first year, you know, was hard because it was the first birthday. It was the first Christmas. It was the first Easter. But then, as you mentioned, people stop checking on you. They're not as concerned about you. They think that you're doing okay. And so, then you become very lonely. That year too was very lonely. And for me, and that's not going to be it's for you. Everyone is different. Year three, I felt like I pulled my head out of the sand like I was an ostrich. And I'm looking around, and I'm like, "Wow, life is continuing to happen." And I don't even know where I was, to be honest. I was still getting up. I was still going to work. I was still doing all the things that I thought I was supposed to do. But I really wasn't there. I wasn't there for myself. I wasn't there for my other child. And we're still working through some of that stuff today. It wasn't because I didn't love her. It wasn't because I was trying to neglect her. I was dealing with an unimaginable grief that I couldn't have predicted how I would have handled it. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 29:39
Absolutely. 

Wendy Beck 29:40
So now, you know, 10 years removed from that, I can look back and I can see where my journey has taken me and here today talking to you and for all of those people who are out there that, you know, do feel alone and have lost family members and friends because of the stigma or they don't know what to say, you're going to find people who you can connect with that will be better for you. And I know that sounds crazy, but you know, some people don't understand they just don't understand. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 30:16
Yeah, I agree. And even even though I'm going through this, you know, I've never been through this before, even losing, you know, my grandfather and losing other family members. You still don't know how to grieve each person or each even divorce 

Rich Bennett 30:36
everybody's different. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 30:36
Yeah, everybody's different. And you know, I guess with all of the things that life has brought me through, I've, you know, I've gotten better at knowing when I need to lean on others and accepting help and it's really hard for me because I that's just not who I am. But this has brought, you know, brought me to that understanding that I need to because I do have so many emotions that I just don't want to direct them into the wrong outlets. Because I, you know, if we scheduled this podcast last week, I probably wouldn't have shown up because I was in bed and I was, you know, going through it. 

Rich Bennett 31:24
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 31:25
And it comes in waves. I just want to make sure that I am directing this pain and energy into something that I can hopefully make a positive impact for somebody else, because there's just so many emotions. I mean, I could be happy one second and wanting to scream and cry the necks. And like you said with, you know, walking into the store and hearing a song, I was doing some photography for the offspring concert the other weekend. And I've seen them a few times and he plays this one song about somebody they lost and I put my camera down and I was just bowling like if anybody had looked at me and it wasn't 100 degrees in Florida sweating, they probably been like, what is wrong with her, you know, and and I've heard that song a million times, and I've seen them live a few times and I just could not hold it in and it felt good after, you know, it felt good. 

Rich Bennett 32:23
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 32:24
And one of my friends was with me and she's like, I didn't want to look over at you because if I saw you crying, I was going to cry. And I was like, it's okay. Like we could cry together, but, you know, it's just so different now. You know, I see because he loves Pokemon and Mario and Sonic. So when I went to see that movie, I'm crying at the end. And everybody's like, why? 

Wendy Beck 32:45
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 32:46
I know what, you know, but 

Wendy Beck 32:47
true, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 32:48
those are those things that you just connect with. I see a little Elmo or just things that he loved. And I'm just like, you know, he should be here or the things that we've talked about and they just opened that. What is it that Nintendo world at Universal or whatever? And oh, you didn't know about that. Well, now, you know, 

Rich Bennett 33:07
I didn't know well, 

Wendy Beck 33:08
What 

Rich Bennett 33:08
okay. 

Wendy Beck 33:08
is that? Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 33:10
It's like, yeah, so, you know, I'm like, oh, he should be here. These are the things that we would talk about and be excited about and travel for. And, you know, I still do though try to do those with his brothers. But I also feel like, and I don't know if this is something that you went through or still go through. I feel like I have to hide that from them to, you know, because I have to make sure that they're okay and that, you know, if I'm sad about these things and, you know, with they're going to be sad. And I'm trying to just, you know, heat myself together. But I just want to break down and cry because I'm trying to protect them. But am I really protecting them? You know, 

Rich Bennett 33:53
have you asked your therapist 

Mandolyne Eleazar 33:55
Yes. We talk about it often. 

Rich Bennett 33:57
that? Okay. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 33:58
Yes. So, so, you know, I don't know if other, you know, mothers or fathers feel that way. And they just, and they don't have their 

Wendy Beck 34:06
right, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 34:06
best. 

Wendy Beck 34:07
right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 34:07
So, 

Wendy Beck 34:08
Um, I think that's 

Mandolyne Eleazar 34:09
tough. 

Wendy Beck 34:10
For me, personally, my girls were 14 years apart. So my youngest did not know her. The way, assembling, like, like maybe a little bit like your, your youngest, I'm not saying it's 

Mandolyne Eleazar 34:24
Yes. 

Wendy Beck 34:24
identical. But there was a lot of time in between, you know, for them growing up. So, when she was out of the house early, because she was 14, almost 14 when she was born, um, my youngest didn't really grow up with her. So I feel like in a lot of ways, she was grieving the relationship that she never got a chance to have. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 34:46
Ah. 

Wendy Beck 34:47
And I see that now because she doesn't have the memories that I have, so me grieving someone that is supposed to be extremely significant to her, but she doesn't have that, you know, she doesn't have those glasses on where all that stuff kept coming had to go through that filter for her. And her is more based on what people have told her, the memories that she has and I'm going to be honest, is that as she's getting older 'cause she's 20 now, she passed away when her sister was, when she was 10, that I feel like things are, she's starting to remember now, because I don't think that she thought it was safe to remember. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 35:34
Yeah, 

Wendy Beck 35:36
I mean, she would have to answer that, but that's my, because she'll say stuff to me now, and I'm like, "Really? You know, you're remembering something now, 'cause we hadn't really talked about it in that depth. I don't know if she was scared to bring it up, didn't know how to bring it up, maybe she just didn't remember, but now some of the trauma and the healing that we've gone through. I don't want to say on the other side, but we've kind of, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 36:06
kind of work towards 

Wendy Beck 36:06
Work 

Mandolyne Eleazar 36:06
the others, 

Wendy Beck 36:06
towards the 

Mandolyne Eleazar 36:07
yeah. 

Wendy Beck 36:07
top of that mountain, and we're kind of slowly healing, and maybe it's safe to talk about. And it's been 10 years. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 36:19
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 36:19
And she doesn't even know the addiction part of her. She doesn't know the story, she doesn't know what mom went through. All she knows is that mom was still getting me up for school and I still ate food and I still had friends' dates, and I still, but what was I doing? I don't even know how I was to her. But in her mind, there was an abandonment from me while I grieved, and I can't change that. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 36:51
Right. No, I mean, I think I definitely can relate. I think a lot of people can relate. You know, we're going through things that we've never been through, and you know, someone had told me, and it stuck with me my entire life. If the worst thing that you've ever gone through is the worst thing that you've ever gone through, and it's, you know, what might hurt me 

is going to affect somebody else completely different whether it's anything that has to do with loss or even, you know, breaking our cell phone, you know, just 

Wendy Beck 37:29
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 37:30
the worst thing is 

Wendy Beck 37:30
Right. The worst thing. Yeah, that's a good, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 37:32
yeah. My teenager could break a cell phone. My nine-year-old could break his iPad, and he'd probably be shattered to pieces. You know, and he's going to, you know, his perception and his emotions are going to be different. And even, even when, you know, I did break the news to them and me and their father and his, their stepmother, you know, they both responded differently. As expected, the youngest had a lot of questions. But, you know, it took us quite a while to get the autopsy because even when he was found there was nothing there to really give that answer. So I was even like, you know, he's been clean, and there's no way this is what it is, you know. 

Rich Bennett 38:23
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 38:24
You want to think the best in the worst of times. And then when we did get the autopsy, I don't like to necessarily, you know, encourage lying to my children. You know, sometimes I might try to avoid answering certain things, but I think this was important to talk to him about or talk to them about when I did get the autopsy and say, you know, this was the cause of it. And it only took this amount, which was like, I think, 11 micrograms, which is like 11 grains of salt. It's not much. So to explain to my nine-year-old, I put 11 grains of salt in my hand. I said, this is all it took to make your brother go to sleep and never wake up. And he, you know, it helped him understand the dangers of 

Wendy Beck 39:16
things. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 39:17
certain 

Wendy Beck 39:17
The severity, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 39:19
yes. 

And it sucks that we have to do that. But I think it helped him understand, and it kind of helped my 16-year-old as well understand, you know. And I encourage teenagers, and I wish they did this more in school and stuff. But to have an arcane training, to have an arcane in your backpack. And it could just be anybody. You could, they could probably, be smoking weed or something and it could be and you just don't know and that could be your best friend or your sister, brother, mom, whoever next to you and you don't know and I just wished that was encouraged more in schools and stuff because the way that things are now is so different and if we have these resources and we have these tools I don't understand why we're not pushing them more and giving it to the population that's vulnerable and just hope that we can save a life or two. 

Wendy Beck 40:30
Yes and I absolutely, but I feel like we're still in a time when if someone is not experiencing what we have gone through, they're not my child, you know, it's hard to get people to support organizations that deal with addiction because who wants to support that? I want to give to, you know, I don't know, something 

yeah animals that are 

Mandolyne Eleazar 41:02
yeah, 

Wendy Beck 41:02
warm and everybody needs, everybody has a mission and I'm not saying anything about that but I feel like it's harder when you're dealing with people who have this stigma and the stigma that they can't shake even when they're trying to do good. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 41:21
Yeah 

Wendy Beck 41:21
and that's hard, that's really hard. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 41:26
Yeah, no, you make a really good point and you know, I've gone to concert for a long time 

since I was a teenager but you know, I want to say last year, I really feel like I've seen it more where there are especially if festivals boots with, you know, the overdose tent or whatever 

encouraging people to come get trained, we'll give you free NARCAN, learn about us, donate if you have you know, the extra and it's nice to see that at those places that are, you know, I mean people are going to do what they're going to do but at least we're able to hopefully, you know, save life and I think about that with my son too, you know, I think about how much I wanted to be a safe space and I was in many ways but if he had felt safe enough around that time or maybe he wasn't, you know, the right mental space where he had said to me, you know, I feel the urge to use and and if we were in a world where that conversation could lead to safety instead of silence, maybe things would have been different, you know, we need to, I think, create that kind of space for for openness, for harm reduction, you know, for meeting people where they are because it's out there and it's not going away as we know. So, you know, I just, I hope that, you know, like at least I could save a life or at least encourage others to kind of take a second look at how they're perceiving someone who is on the hold of addiction, you know, just loving them differently, you know, it's not always about somebody who's reckless or or something like that, you know, sometimes people just, people are just trying to survive another day and I think that's what's kept me away from it is just seeing my mother go through it, you know, my whole life and then seeing the effects of that and then my son going through it, it's like, I could easily use all of this as an excuse to just fade away, you know, but I know what that could do and I don't want to take that chance and some hoping, you know, to take this energy and whatnot and this pain to help somewhere, something. 

Wendy Beck 44:05
And putting your purpose in your pain I think is what actually heals us, I mean, and like I said, it's, I'm always going to be broken, there's always going to be a big heart, my heart's going to be, you know, shattered in a million pieces and barely put back together, but we have to, we have to function, we have other people that are depending on us and what would it look, what would the world look like if we all just lay down and gave up and we can't do that and that's why it's so important for, you know, I don't want, if I could, you know, if I could go back in time and have her here and do something differently to change the outcome, I would do it, but that doesn't seem like that was what my purpose is supposed to be. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 44:53
Right. 

Wendy Beck 44:53
And 

Mandolyne Eleazar 44:54
Right. 

Wendy Beck 44:55
the other side of that is helping the women that I've helped through the organization is, you know, I can't even imagine not doing that anymore, you know, in my life. It's who I've become because of what I went through. You know, so yeah, I mean, it's like very complicated. Like I said, grief to an overdose death or any kind of substance abuse death is very complicated. We isolated. We feel alone. We people don't understand. People try to stay away from us. You know, and that's so wrong. It's so wrong. I mean, I don't, I can't even put into words that, you know, a human being deserves to be treated like a human being no matter what they're going through. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 45:44
I agree. Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 45:46
So I really do have any questions for her, Rich? 

Rich Bennett 45:50
Of course I, 

Wendy Beck 45:52
okay, 

Rich Bennett 45:53
I was just wondering if I was allowed 

Mandolyne Eleazar 45:55
to. 

Wendy Beck 45:56
You are. It's your 

Rich Bennett 45:58
show. So man. Mitt. Now it's the guest show. Mandolin. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:03
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 46:04
You mentioned that your son was a musician. And 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:07
yes, 

Rich Bennett 46:08
he, he write his own songs or 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:11
did. 

Rich Bennett 46:12
he 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:13
He did. 

Rich Bennett 46:14
Yes, he did. Please tell me some of record it. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:17
So yes, so interesting enough, he, he would share some of his music that he wouldn't release with me, more of his vulnerable stuff, but he would never release certain things. I think he was just scared of what people would perceive him as. 

Rich Bennett 46:34
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:35
So he did have some stuff released, but then when he passed, I, the bomb that I am, I was able to get into his, his music vault, as many might say. And there were hundreds and 

Rich Bennett 46:48
hundreds. Really? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 46:50
Of songs you're recorded. I mean, some of it is very raw, freestyling type of stuff. And he's crying. And when I heard those, I was just like, you know, breaking inside, but it's also helped heal me a bit, just cause he's written songs for me and his dad. And, and just other people. So I, I did actually release an EP in March. And I've been releasing some singles. And as I, get the courage to I go in there and try to edit more songs and, and work 

Rich Bennett 47:26
right, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 47:27
through his stuff. But yes, he's got a lot of music in there. He started when he was about 13 14, just, you know, messing around. And then it became something he, came so easy to him. We have a family of musicians and my dad, my biological father is an awesome guitarist. I'm half Filipino. So we all kind of sing maybe that karaoke. 

Rich Bennett 47:54
it I won't put you on the spot. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 47:57
Um, you know, we've got a lot of people that play instruments or sing in our family. So, you know, he was exposed to that and, and he got that gene. So yes, I work on trying to release more of his music, um, different 

Rich Bennett 48:12
Felix, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:12
genres. 

Rich Bennett 48:13
do you mean, like Spotify? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:15
Spotify, Apple music, um, YouTube music. And I, it can give you the link too. So you can check it out. Um, some of it is. So he was also a little bit of a comedian. So you 

Rich Bennett 48:27
little, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:27
get a 

Rich Bennett 48:27
okay. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:28
A little of that in some of his songs. Um, and, you know, then you get of the heartfelt, heartfelt songs. Um, and just, you know, whatever he was feeling at the time or, you know, whatever he felt like writing or singing. Um, so yeah, it's nice because I feel like, you know, I'm blessed to have 

Wendy Beck 48:47
I 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:47
that. 

Wendy Beck 48:47
was going to say 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:48
it's a 

Wendy Beck 48:48
it's, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:48
lot of, 

Wendy Beck 48:49
it's totally, he 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:50
oh 

Wendy Beck 48:50
left, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:50
yeah. 

Wendy Beck 48:50
A big gift. 

Rich Bennett 48:52
And 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:52
100. 

Rich Bennett 48:52
you're create and you're also the way you're doing it. putting on Spotify, Apple and all that, you're creating a legacy 

Mandolyne Eleazar 48:58
of yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And any, so, you know, any, any pleasure, things like that. Um, 

if we do generate any money from it, it's going completely to his brother's future, you know, both of them. Um, and so yeah, I mean, he was really talented. And I, like I said, I'm really blessed because a lot of parents don't have that, you know, they don't have their children's voice. And I, you know, I miss him every single day. And I can, you know, go in there and listen to, to him. Um, and like I said, it, you know, um, 

Rich Bennett 49:37
so, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 49:38
nobody really has that. 

Rich Bennett 49:40
So how can people find, you know, I love Spotify. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 49:43
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 49:43
So how do I find it more Spotify? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 49:45
His name on Spotify is last Molto, L-O-S-T-M-U-L-T-O. Uhm, yeah. And the, the EP that I released in March was The Big Bang Theory. He loved, uhm, He loved physics. And so, he, you know, he has some physics stuff in there. So I try to make it make sense for me when I 

Rich Bennett 50:09
right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:09
release things, but some, some things you can't make sense, so, uhm, yeah, I, I use the Big Bang Theory as, as that, uhm. 

Rich Bennett 50:18
I thought you meant to show it 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:20
Well, 

Rich Bennett 50:20
first. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:20
yes, yes. I do love that show I watch that quite often. But yeah, it's the physics part of it, uhm, Einstein and all of that. So, 

Rich Bennett 50:30
wow. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:31
Yeah, so. 

Rich Bennett 50:32
And you said he would, he loved the, what sketch as well? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:35
Yes, 

Rich Bennett 50:35
he. So did he have a lot of that as well? 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:38
He did, he has a lot of sketches in his book. A lot of it's just, you know, whatever's in his head, I'll just draw 

Rich Bennett 50:43
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 50:43
and, I mean, some of it's quite interesting, some of it's entertaining. So, uhm, he's been due to length since he was little. So sometimes I will put that on Instagram, so, and connect it with a song or something. Just so his friends have it. Also, a few of his friends and a few of cousins, like got some of them tattooed on them, so it's just a way to, for them to have it and 

Rich Bennett 51:07
you. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:07
connect 

Rich Bennett 51:07
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:08
Because I could keep it to myself. But 

Wendy Beck 51:10
Right. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:11
that's 

Wendy Beck 51:11
Right. Right. No. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:11
not really gonna do anything for me. 

Wendy Beck 51:15
Well. 

Rich Bennett 51:15
That is awesome. 

Wendy Beck 51:16
Yes, and I, I feel like, you know, our family, uhm, all the, the girl cousins got a, my daughter, what we always, uhm, use the crescent moon as a symbol of her. So, you know, all the cut my daughter and the cousins got a, uhm, crescent moon tattoo was kind of like remembrance and that type of thing. And, you know, do you have anything else to say, Rich? Because I want to, I want to kind of end it with something. 

Rich Bennett 51:42
Oh. God, no, because once, you know, you know me, if the music and everything and then when she even mentioned that she's part Filipino, I could talk to her for probably out. 

Wendy Beck 51:54
Okay. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:54
And, and you're, you're a military vet too. I've got a lot of 

Rich Bennett 51:57
Marine. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:57
military in my family. Thank 

Rich Bennett 51:59
Yes. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 51:59
you for your service and, 

Rich Bennett 52:01
Oh, my honor. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 52:01
Sacrifice. Um, but yeah, I mean, I believe it's important to share people's art, you know, especially, you know, when it's created from a place of like emotion and, and experience. And I mean, he's written me, um, notes and like, I have his, I love you tattooed in a flower. He drew for me just to cut in like a heart he drew for me just because, you know, it, I feel closer to 

Wendy Beck 52:24
yes, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 52:24
him, but 

Wendy Beck 52:25
yes. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 52:26
You know, my hope was always to share it and, and hoping somebody else could connect to it and feel like they can do that too, you know, as an outlet, um, because that's all, you know, sometimes that's all we have when we don't feel like we have any, anything else. 

Wendy Beck 52:41
Well, in honor of overdose awareness month, um, you are non alone. And I want to end this because this is very important because we, we tend to get quiet and we tend to not have people about them. So can you say his name for us, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:00
Giovanni? 

Rich Bennett 53:05
I love that name. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:06
Thank you. 

Wendy Beck 53:07
Yes. And we just have to keep saying it. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:11
Yes. 

Wendy Beck 53:14
Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm so happy that we met and, you know, maybe it won't always be on a screen, but, you know, you've got me like all emotional as well. So, 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:24
thank you. I'm so, 

Wendy Beck 53:26
and don't hesitate 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:27
it's, 

Wendy Beck 53:27
to out if you're having that moment, you know, I'm only. 

Rich Bennett 53:31
Yeah. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:31
Yeah. You, you as well. I mean, it's, it's interesting 'cause I started following your page when I was in Maryland and more so for my mother. And then who knew I, you know, who knew years later, it would be my son that, you know, 

Wendy Beck 53:45
right? 

Rich Bennett 53:45
I'm 

Mandolyne Eleazar 53:46
here for. So I, I'm a firm believer in God. Um, I, you I don't go to church every Sunday and, you know, I'm not one of those, but I, I look back at my life. And I'm like, there's no way I would have gotten through anything without, with God, without God. And so I believe everything does happen purposefully. Um, and, you know, I'm grateful that, you know, I was able to be here with you both. And, 

Wendy Beck 54:17
and we're grateful because your story's gonna hit a lot of years to a lot of people that are feeling exactly like you do. And, um, they're not alone either. So thank you so much. 

Rich Bennett 54:27
Yes. Thank you. 

Mandolyne Eleazar 54:28
Thank you both. And if there's anything else I could do for either one of you, please let me know. 

Rich & Wendy 54:33
Wendy, I understand that rage against addiction is doing something very important, a monthly donor program. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Absolutely. We are hoping to get our supporters to join us in providing a monthly donation. It can be $5 or it can be more, whatever you can afford really allows us to help plan and increase our fundraising efforts. Well, why should people become a monthly donor? What are they doing to help? Their monthly contributions let us plan for long-term projects and respond quickly when urgent needs arise and I'll give you an example. We had the need for a new mattress and we've also had urgent needs for refrigerators and washing machines and all of that kind of stuff that comes up. So, they tend to need to be replaced and our women deserve to have the things that they need. So, with the monthly donor program, technically anybody can do it for any amount and because rage against addiction always needs something. I've known, I've known you for years now and there's times you've told me you guys need a furniture, you need clothes and also you're not getting the grants that you used to or the contributions that you used to. So, this monthly donor program will definitely help a lot. So, somebody becomes a monthly donor, what is there anything that they're getting in return besides helping those that need it? I know you guys have an excellent newsletter, were they all medically? Yeah, we'll subscribe to that. We'll subscribe you to our newsletter so you'll know what is going on, you can track our progress. Here, success stories, know the data and like how many women we serve each year and just be a part of something bigger. So, with this, I guess they're also going to be because of the newsletter. They're going to be one of the first ones to find out about events coming up like the memory walk and run. The basketball bingo and any other future events that you're doing, the pie casts that you do. So, they're going to be tied in, right away. Alright, so, how can they become a monthly donor? You can go to our website and that is rageagainstaddiction. org and go to our donate button and on there, you will have the option to become a monthly donor and you can put in any amount that you want. Your commitment, bigger small, empowers our mission and changes lives every single day. Visit us at rageagainstaddiction. org to become a reoccurring donor and join us in making a lasting impact. Thank you for your compassion, generosity and belief in a brighter future. Together, we can make a difference. Join us today.