Tanya Gioia on Love, Addiction, and Finding Freedom

Wendy & Rich 0:00
Hey, everyone is Rich Bennett. Can you believe it? The show is turning 10 this year. I am so grateful for each and every one of you who've tuned in, shared a episode, or even joined the conversation over the years. You're the reason that this podcast has grown into what it is today. Together, we've shared laughs, tears, and moments that truly matter. So I want to thank you for being part of this journey. Let's make the next 10 years even better. Coming to you from the Freedom Federal Credit Union Studios Haafer County Living presents Conversations with Rich Bennett. 

Who is

Rich Bennett 1:01
Imagine Navigating Life after a Diction Recovery. Thinking the hardest part is over. Only to find new challenges waiting on the other side. That's exactly what Taña Joy have faced when her husband got sober just five days before Christmas in 2010. Taña's journey didn't end with sobriety. It was just the beginning. From managing a chaotic life with two kids, two horses, 400 chickens, and a dog on 20 acres of Colorado. You know, I guess it would be chaotic. All while rebuilding her family, Taña found strength in her faith and discovered the power of laughter through the darkest moments. Now a Christian focused addiction relationship coach, Taña helps women support loved ones battling addiction with compassion, humor, and practical tools. So join us as Taña shares how she transformed her own struggles into a mission to guide others toward healing, faith, every nude hoop. How you doing, Taña? 

Tanya Gioia 2:11
Thanks. And it's been a long time since we had 400 chickens. While we're doing this, the egg have just come down, right? We were, what we were paying $12 for a dozen eggs or something like 

Rich Bennett 2:23
You 

Tanya Gioia 2:23
that. 

Rich Bennett 2:24
were paying $12 a ton? 

Tanya Gioia 2:25
It was getting, it was about $9, 10, 11. It depends on what you were eating. So my son, my son said. 

Rich Bennett 2:32
Wow. 

Tanya Gioia 2:32
Well, we weren't actually paying it because my son said, you have an egg dealer down here. I'm like, yes, I do. 

So I don't know what California was paying, but I hear in Colorado as they were dealing with the bird flu and all that kind of stuff. We had gotten to 

Rich Bennett 2:49
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 2:49
about $9 a dozen, but I was still paying a local farm because that's how we liked to eat our eggs. So we were, we went up a little bit. We went from $4 to $5. 

Rich Bennett 2:59
That's the bet. Well, and that's the thing. You got, it's, you know, support the local farmers to support the local 

Tanya Gioia 3:05
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 3:05
businesses. It makes sense. I mean, the same with me. If you buy local, yeah, it's going to cost more, but you know what you're getting first of 

Tanya Gioia 3:14
But 

Rich Bennett 3:14
all. 

Tanya Gioia 3:15
it didn't during during this whole egg crisis. 

Rich Bennett 3:18
Oh, yeah, I 

Tanya Gioia 3:18
Cost 

Rich Bennett 3:18
know. 

Tanya Gioia 3:19
less. And you had to be with an egg dealer at that point already, or you weren't getting in because those hands were only producing so much. So yes, we, we did have 400 chickens at one point. That was also at the height of the addiction. And it was a very scary time. We were living out on 20 acres. And I learned to plow. 

Rich Bennett 3:43
Why? 

Tanya Gioia 3:43
I learned to plow the driveway. I had 

Rich Bennett 3:46
a way. Me. 

Tanya Gioia 3:46
Plow. 

Rich Bennett 3:47
I don't just know. Okay. Okay. I thought you meant the 

Tanya Gioia 3:50
No, 

Rich Bennett 3:50
field. 

Tanya Gioia 3:51
I had to learn to plow the driveway because we lived, it wasn't a terrible grade, but we lived, maybe a quarter of a mile off the main road and had to learn to plow. 

To tell you the truth, we were both in this physically together and he just said, I'll go, which I really respect him for. So I had to learn to plow, because I'm out there with 400 chickens, two horses. We had one dog at the time, two kids. And doing that all by myself, I didn't know, Rich, that you couldn't plow up. I didn't know that you couldn't plow up the hill. And let me tell you why, for those of you who are flatlanders and you don't go up the hill with your plow, we're chugging up the hill, it's about twilight, and all of a sudden I had a drift and it goes, 'woof' over the top. Now I've got my three and five-year-old in the truck with me because I can't lead them. 

Rich Bennett 5:04
Oh, why your plow? 

Tanya Gioia 5:05
So everybody's in the plow truck with me, right? Luckily the dog is out somewhere else, so it goes 'woof' over the top. It scares me to death. My heart is just racing 

Rich Bennett 5:15
and 

Tanya Gioia 5:16
pounding. My little one sitting next to me, 'woof' 'woof' 

Rich Bennett 5:21
'woof' 

Tanya Gioia 5:22
'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' okey i'm on it. 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' 'woof' [Dickain sounds like Last Rose] 

But they were so excited that I just gunned it and went the rest of the way and we were fine. So when a family dynamic breaks apart, because we all have our roles in the family, when a family dynamic breaks apart, you learn how to do different things. Some of those things can be really life giving. They can be really independent forming. You know, in the Bible they call the woman in Proverbs 31, "She's the Ashet Shival. She's the Woman of Valor." Right? Which means I asked some Jewish friends and they said, "You know, it's kind of like you-go-girl. You're a woman of Valor. You-go-girl." So I'm in there and that's where I learned to praise me. And I know this sounds a little arrogant, but not in an arrogant way, but to say, "Hey, I'm doing a good job." And that's really important for your kids to hear too, that it's okay to say, "Hey, mommy did a good job with that plowing." You know, mommy did a great job getting dinner on the table, the 400 chickens fed, the horses taken care of, and the dog inside in a timely manner. So all of that was helping me break out of that codependent role. And, you know, I'm a pretty accomplished person when I walked into this marriage, but I didn't realize how much I was basing myself worth on how the other person, how my husband was doing, how my kids were doing, how my family looked. All of those, in a way, we'd say kind of typical substance abuse areas. We want to make the family look good, but nobody knows what's going on on the inside. That was true for me, and I had to learn that you have to reach out and ask for help. 

Rich Bennett 7:28
Oh yeah, absolutely. And I just went a backtrack that did not sound arrogant at all. And all honesty, I believe too many people do not do that. You need to, you need to praise yourself at times. It's good for your mental health, I believe. 

Tanya Gioia 7:44
Well, it's that positive self talk. So if you have 

Rich Bennett 7:46
Yes. 

Tanya Gioia 7:47
what was like 400 conversations with our self permanent, who do you talk to yourself all day long? So, maybe you're not getting getting positive self talk, maybe you're not getting positive talk from other people, but you can do it from for yourself. And what does, what does the Bible say is to take all thoughts captive. Right. So if I'm feeding myself with negative thoughts of, I'm not good enough. I can't plow. I can't get the kids up there. You know, rich, I would have been passed out in the snow at that point. Just done. 

Rich Bennett 8:17
Yeah, that truck would have been 

Tanya Gioia 8:18
Yes, 

Rich Bennett 8:18
sliding. 

Tanya Gioia 8:19
sliding backwards. And then we would have hit the neighbor's fence. And that would have been a whole lot of other issues. But I went, OK, here we are. Let's just gun it and go forward. And that's sometimes what I when I work with women. It's, we can't we can't change the past. 

Rich Bennett 8:35
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 8:35
We can make amends. We can go back and say I'm sorry, but we can't change it. So what do we need to do to go forward? Yes, where are the lessons we need to take to go forward because if you stay stuck in what I call victim ease, then nothing changes. 

Rich Bennett 8:54
Yeah, who victim means 

Tanya Gioia 8:56
that. 

Rich Bennett 8:56
I like Did you make that word 

Tanya Gioia 8:59
No, 

Rich Bennett 8:59
up? 

Tanya Gioia 8:59
I've stolen it from a couple other people. 

Rich Bennett 9:02
But really, I've never heard it before. That's a first for me. I was going to suggest you put it on his shirt 

Tanya Gioia 9:08
Well, 

Rich Bennett 9:08
or... 

Tanya Gioia 9:09
it's not something... It's not something you want to work with. You know, when I'm in victimhood, then not only have I abandoned myself, but I've abandoned what my maker says about me. You know, my maker says, "Hey, I knew you and your mother's womb. You are how I made you. Let me be there with you and tell you how loved, how cherished, how cared for you are." Because isn't that part of what brings us into addiction in the first place is we don't feel there's so much pain. We don't feel like we're worthy and we want to numb out. 

Rich Bennett 9:43
Actually, with the addiction, because you, with the snow pound and everything in the farm, and you mentioned that your husband had left. This was before he went into recovery, right? 

Tanya Gioia 9:54
So we, we had a pretty dramatic full stop. Now, I had been reading the Purpose Driven Life. I had been walking and praying every morning and saying, "God, it's time. God, it's time. God, it's time." Now, I know that God hears my prayers, but I also know that He has His own timing. Even though I 

Rich Bennett 10:18
it... 

Tanya Gioia 10:18
was saying 

Rich Bennett 10:19
True. 

Tanya Gioia 10:20
So we had a pretty dramatic stop. My husband had come home. We had gone to a Christmas party for his work. They had hired a van to bring everybody home. There had been excessive drinking. That blew up over that night. It was the first time I reached out for help. But again, I am 22 miles outside of town. This was before we really had towers. My text did not get out till the next morning. So I didn't get help until the next morning. So, so it calmed down for a little bit. But at that point, my girlfriend who came to get the kids and I in the car, called the police. And one of us was headed to jail. And so he did the valiant thing. He did that and that was the night he got sober. As soon as he got out, he went to an AA meeting and he said, "I am not leaving here without a sponsor. And I'm immediately going to do 

Rich Bennett 11:13
Good. 

Tanya Gioia 11:13
my 90 and 90." And he did and I couldn't be prouder of him for saying, "Okay. I get it, I see 

Rich Bennett 11:21
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 11:21
it and I'm going to do it. Now, as I said, that doesn't mean everything as well because 

Rich Bennett 11:27
right 

Tanya Gioia 11:29
person who I dearly love is now very fragile. I'm really fragile. And the court who was never really meant to deal with family issues has taken over our lives. 

Rich Bennett 11:41
Yeah, 

Tanya Gioia 11:41
well. And so why I was plowing on my own without any help is we had a full restraining order. We could barely text about kids and we had supervised visitation. So 

Rich Bennett 11:52
oh 

Tanya Gioia 11:53
it was a hard place to be. It was five days before Christmas. There was a miscommunication around Christmas, 

Rich Bennett 11:59
oh 

Tanya Gioia 12:00
hurt feelings on everybody's side. And I've got three and five year old little boys. 

Rich Bennett 12:06
Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 12:06
So it's always one of the reasons I do this is not just for the women. It's for the innocents who they didn't ask me to be born in my family. They didn't ask to be born here. God and his divine wisdom, I think, gives us the mothers and fathers that we need. But we're not always healthy and whole. We 

Rich Bennett 12:21
keep 

Tanya Gioia 12:21
need to 

Rich Bennett 12:22
right 

Tanya Gioia 12:23
true father and say, who screwed that one up? How do we have? 

Rich Bennett 12:27
Yeah, 

Tanya Gioia 12:28
this. 

Rich Bennett 12:30
Now, now, how is he doing today? Not your son, your, your husband 

Tanya Gioia 12:35
he's he's doing well. He is running his own business. He is, you know, he's made great strides on dealing with that. And in fact, he's, so he, he worked for a large, really large international company for a little while and then decided he wanted to run his own business. And in doing that, that really what we found and we interviewed some people on my own podcast is the same drive that drives an addict to get what they need. We'll drive an entrepreneur. So actually, addicts make excellent entrepreneurs because they have this innate drive that I'm going to complete this. I'm going to make this happen. I'm going to get where I'm going. 

Rich Bennett 13:21
Yeah, only difference is sometimes they don't realize what they draw for. I think 

Tanya Gioia 13:28
while, you know, 

Rich Bennett 13:29
yeah, I mean, in a way, 

Tanya Gioia 13:30
even or 

Rich Bennett 13:31
after they get it, they don't know what's going on. 

Tanya Gioia 13:33
Well, and even when... Even when you're working with entrepreneurs, it's not always clear what the next step is. With the personality, the personality of both people, and when they're meshed in one, the personality of both people has this drive that says I will figure it out. That is such a high skill. 

If you could figure out, she could read people really well, and she could figure out what their needs were and help them get their needs met. So, it's a really interesting flip that these skills can be turned into something that really works for you. It's coming back to your core identity. That's where I work with women is, what, who, and who's you are? What is your core identity? Because if your core identity is worthlessness, and I've never been good enough, and I don't have enough, and back into the victim's, that's not what we're designed for. And when the father steps in and says, you are precious, you are cherished, you are loved. Let me show you all the things I have for you, then you can take those skills that maybe you learned them for survival, because when you think about why people choose addiction, often there's childhood trauma, often they were responding rationally to an irrational situation. So, when you learn them for survival, how can you take them and turn them to thrive? The skill itself, it's like money, right? Money is neither good nor evil. It's a tool. It's the love of money that becomes evil that takes us down. 

Rich Bennett 15:19
So, when you, when your husband went into recovery, how long, how long, if the words, was it that you started coaching other women? 

Tanya Gioia 15:32
Oh, you're asking a good question. So, I had been, by the time he went into recovery, I'd been in Illinois for seven or eight years. So, I'd already been sponsored and I had some people I was sponsoring. So, not a formal coaching situation, but I was in that relationship because that's encouraged. That's how you keep your program working is you help 

Rich Bennett 15:58
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 15:58
people come in. Yeah. So, I'd already been doing that, but I didn't really start coaching, probably tell about five years later, and then I went and got the training that I needed and the certification that I needed to do that. I was blogging, I was speaking to anybody who would hear me, and I was sponsoring people, and I was talking about it in Bible studies and church and those types of things, but the more formal coaching didn't come along for a little while. Because you need some space. I mean, I was a mess. I was as big of a mess as he was. It took two to create this. 

Rich Bennett 16:39
Yeah. I mentioned that you were in Illinois. So, are you in recovery yourself? 

Tanya Gioia 16:43
So, Illinois is a group for friends and family of those who struggle with alcohol. 

Rich Bennett 16:48
Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 16:49
So, and then I'm going to answer questions a little differently. Yes. 

Rich Bennett 16:52
Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 16:53
Because I didn't marry, my husband, because I was well. He was an active addiction when I married him, even though I didn't think he was, I didn't know enough. I also have, you could either term it relationship addiction, love addiction, those types of things, which, let me tell you this crazy circle. So, this is what codependency love addiction looks like is, I need you to be okay so that I'm okay. So, then as we get more intimate in our relationship, it is my job to take care of you here that part, my job to take care of you so that you feel okay, because if you don't feel okay, I don't feel okay. Let me extrapolate this a little further. God is not your savior. I'm your savior. I'm going to make it all right so that we can balance, which means I balanced the checkbook, I make sure the kids are okay, I make sure we have a social life, I make sure you get to work, I make sure you're not using, I make sure all of this happens. It is more insidious. Because you can get rid of alcohol and drugs right, it's really hard to get 

Rich Bennett 18:00
right 

Tanya Gioia 18:00
for people. 

Rich Bennett 18:02
Yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 18:02
So, if I don't do all of those things that I have failed you, I felt the relationship, I don't feel good. And I'm going to work even harder to make this happen. So, when I say I'm just as sick as he was, I was trying to manage things that were never mind to manage. 

Rich Bennett 18:21
Right. How did you overcome 

Tanya Gioia 18:25
that? So that's, so I had all those years in Allen on and then I did a program with a therapist that was 

wounded by shame, healed by grace. So this is a John Van Vonder, and it's hard to get any more, but it is priceless. 

Rich Bennett 18:44
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 18:44
It's a biblical-based program, and not only does it talk about addiction and God's love for us, but it also talks about the thing that we don't think about often, which is addiction switching. So you may be healed from one set of addiction, but if you don't deal with the pain and what caused all of this, 

Rich Bennett 19:03
The 

Tanya Gioia 19:03
and the trauma that you're just going to move to something else. So as he describes it, it's so interesting. He said, the person may grow a prettier plant, a societal, acceptable, prettier plant, become a workaholic, right? That we're going to accept, or suddenly I'm at the gym every day of the week, and I'm not knocking any of that, or I'm at program, I'm at AA, celebrate recovery, Alan on 

Rich Bennett 19:29
trial. 

Tanya Gioia 19:29
whatever, 

Rich Bennett 19:30
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 19:30
every day of the week. Well, that's a bridge, that's a bridge, possibly. But they could also pick up another one that takes them to an even darker place, because the trauma hasn't been dealt with whatever that trauma is. 

Rich Bennett 19:46
Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 19:47
And that's where it's here, is where the family really plays the key role. The family, when the person who has been in addiction moves out of the inside of the circle, because they're in the inside of the circle, because we're constantly orbiting around them. Is that okay? Are they making it? Do we need to pick up the pieces? So they move out, they take up their responsibilities. Now, probably somebody moves back in, a broken leg, a last job, or whatever, but that's normal for people to move in and out of the circle. When the family goes, but we don't know how to handle you when you're outside of the circle, we liked you better when you were drinking, because you were easier to deal with. 

Rich Bennett 20:25
Oh 

Tanya Gioia 20:26
Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 20:26
God. 

Tanya Gioia 20:26
I've heard those statements, or hey, I don't want to give the finances over to you, because I don't trust you and I don't think I'm ever going to trust you. And I don't want to walk this road with you. So that's where the family has to get well, too. If the family does not move out of its position of we take care of whoever is struggling and let they need to let them fail, they need to set good and healthy boundaries. But they also need to look at how they've been contributing. You can't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it. But you are contributing to it. Are you contributing positive? Are you contributing negative? Because when you look at that person and you say, huh, now we can't go out with these friends because they're drinkers and you're not a drinker anymore. And even though you say it's okay, it scares me, because remember I'm controlling everything. So we can't go out with these friends. So I have to give up these friends that I've loved and liked for years. 

Rich Bennett 21:22
Wow. 

And 

Tanya Gioia 21:26
that's where... So what we know in the addiction field right now, what we know is if the family is willing to get well, not just a one week at recovery, not 

Rich Bennett 21:35
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 21:35
that... If the family is willing to change their patterns, then the person who has the struggle is a lot more likely to stay stable. But what you got to look at is the family system wasn't stable to start with. They wouldn't have put up with this if they were stable to start with. And they did for a long time. 

Rich Bennett 22:01
Yeah, and we've talked about that before. It's a lot of times when people are contributing in the wrong way. They think they're helping, but they're not. And that's a hard thing to... I guess hammer into their head. 

Tanya Gioia 22:18
Well, it's really hard because you look at the downslide of the consequences, okay, if he doesn't get to work, then maybe the check doesn't come in and the mortgage doesn't 

Rich Bennett 22:30
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 22:31
get paid. And I don't have some place to live. So folks who are trying to support this person will often downward spiral quicker than the person does. And they will try and shore everything up. Well, then you have an exhausted, often angry, very controlling... Which of a person who, you know, scripture says, it is better to live in the corner of a rooftop than with a nagging wife? So this person has allowed themselves to fall into this depot. And that's where I help women say, "Okay, where can you begin to set the first boundary? Does that mean you go to bed on time so that you can get up in the morning and get where you need to be?" Does that mean you say, "Okay, we're having dinner at X time. If you can't make it, we're still going to have dinner at this time. I'll leave a plate for you in the fridge. But I'm not changing the family routine to this craziness." 

And it's a matter of saying, sometimes we don't even know what's crazy. It's a matter of saying, "My therapist asked me this." He said, "If you could do this in a way that suits you and the boys for the best your best lives and your best schedules, what would that look like?" 

Rich Bennett 23:50
Mm, 

Tanya Gioia 23:51
And I'm like, I hadn't thought about that, because I'm always trying to include him. I want their father there. I 

Rich Bennett 23:56
right. 

Tanya Gioia 23:57
want all of this, I want this to be a family. I have this image. 

Rich Bennett 24:00
Right, 

Tanya Gioia 24:01
you know. 

Rich Bennett 24:17
with it in their mind throughout the rest of their life. 

Tanya Gioia 24:21
Yes. 

So that's very true. At the specific time, I've got a three in a five. The five is often saying, where's daddy? When is daddy coming home? What's going on with daddy? And what I tell parents is to be honest to the level of their understanding. Right? 

Rich Bennett 24:49
Oh, that's yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 24:51
So sometimes, I didn't know where daddy was. That's an 

Rich Bennett 24:55
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 24:56
acceptable answer to say, I don't know. Or to say, Hey, we're going to see him at church. I'm going you're going to spend time with daddy at church on Thursday and Friday night. You know, to take them into not staying in the past, but take them into the next level. Now, my guys are now once almost 18 and once 20. This is really about the first time that we have talked about actually what happened. One, because they weren't inquiring. And two, because of some things have that happened in our lives. But we were bringing them along step by step, um, in their teens and helping them move through this. In the beginning, they were, of course, at Alonan and AA with us. I mean, there's no reason 

Rich Bennett 25:45
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 25:45
for them not to be doing that. They've been in church their whole lives, all those types of things. I've had them read different things to have some understanding of what their background was. A little bit of therapy. 

You can offer therapy as they get into their teens, but you can't force it. So really what I've found, and I want to give all moms hope, we hit a really hard point when my oldest turned 13. And it was directed towards me. Um, and we had him in a little bit of therapy. This is really painful to say. The therapist said to me, she said, your household is not safe, emotionally safe for him to do his deep work in. And talk about a knife to the heart. I went, oh, there's some stuff we haven't claimed up. She said, one of you needs to get into therapy with me. So I'm like, 

Rich Bennett 26:45
oh, wow. 

Tanya Gioia 26:46
Here I am. 

Rich Bennett 26:49
You're listening to the conversations with Rich Bennett. We'll be right back. 

I want to take a moment to talk about something really exciting. See, we love partnering with reputable businesses. Companies that are making a difference, providing top-notch services, and building trust in their communities. And if that sounds like you, I want to invite you to become a sponsor sponsoring the podcast and Harvard Kennedy Living. Isn't just about advertising. It's about real connections. You'll get premium exposure across our podcast, websites and social media, putting your brand in front of an engaged, loyal audience. And here's the best part. Right now we have limited sponsorship spots available for the year. And if you pay annually, you'll get 25% off. You heard me right. 25% off. And you're going to this even more. That rate is locked in for the lifetime of your sponsorship. So even if those levels go up five, 10 years from now, you're paying what you pay now. That's it. So if you're looking for a strategic way to grow your business and reach the right people, let's talk. email me at rich Bennett at danben.com. That's D-A-N-B-E-N.com. And let's make 2025 an unforgettable year for your brand and into the future. 

Tanya Gioia 28:24
So because teenage years are hard anyway. There was a lot of stuff going on. My husband was out doing his business and gone a lot. That was really traumatizing for the boys. And so I went into therapy. And guess what? The whole household began to calm down. I changed how I was responding to people. I changed my anxiety level. I changed my connection with God. I depended more on what God was saying to me than trying to get that feedback from my three men, you know, how am I getting the value? Right? So... 

Rich Bennett 29:04
You were listening to God a lot. 

Tanya Gioia 29:06
Yes, so I really do see that the wife is the heart of the house. And if her heart is in turmoil, because she may not be in agreement with what's happening, she may be at a stage and I was going into Miniposs. I mean, talk about a 

Rich Bennett 29:22
Yeah, 

Tanya Gioia 29:22
crazy 

Rich Bennett 29:22
that could be 

Tanya Gioia 29:23
time. 

Rich Bennett 29:23
hard too, yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 29:24
Talk about a crazy time for 

Rich Bennett 29:25
Yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 29:25
a moment. I mean, we can't ignore that and I think we don't talk about it because it's kind of in that taboo area, but we can't ignore that when the hormones jump around and when all these things are happening, you know, you can't ignore that piece to it. And then these beloved children were gaining more and more independence and looking more and more like men. So you know when a child gets older and you look at them and they're in an adult body, but the brain is not there yet. Something is wired in us that we have more expectations than we should have. So we needed to back down. So I went into EMDR therapy for about two and a half years. That 

Rich Bennett 30:02
Oh. 

Tanya Gioia 30:03
changed everything. 

Rich Bennett 30:05
Uh-huh. 

Tanya Gioia 30:06
That changed everything that changed all of our relationships and it allowed me to do Mel Robbins has a very good secular book out now called let them. And she talks about people are going to do what they're going to do and we need to get out of the way and let them that doesn't mean not having boundaries. It means saying you are an autonomous God created being and you have choices. I may not agree with your choices and maybe we can't come together with choices. So not only do you let them, but you say, let me. What are the choices I need to make? So for all those moms out there listening maybe you can't get a child into therapy, maybe you can't get a husband in the therapy, maybe you can't get somebody into a group, you go, you make the time. You do what you need to do to support yourself because I'm going to tell you flat out you are that valuable you are that valuable to them you're that valuable to God, and I want you to see that you are that valuable to your self god has not abandoned you he has not walked away from you. And he wants you to see yourself as his precious child who is not just about serving other people, but you need to have a self yourself. Because it's love your neighbor as yourself, how can you love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. 

Rich Bennett 31:28
Thank you for saying that, because that's something I mentioned a lot, I've even asked people at granted, I wasn't doing it, but I do it now, I mean how many times do people even look at the mirror and tell you, look, look at that person in the mirror and say that I love you. You know, I love yourself or you love yourself. A lot of people don't do 

Tanya Gioia 31:50
that a lot of people can't 

Rich Bennett 31:52
is a big problem to that, yes, I know it it. 

I that's a whole that's a 

Tanya Gioia 32:00
So 

Rich Bennett 32:00
whole 

Tanya Gioia 32:00
let me give you something 

Rich Bennett 32:01
conversation. 

Tanya Gioia 32:01
simple is if you can't do it, let God do it, you can say to the mirror and say, I am loved by God, I am loved. Then we can say, I love you in the mirror to you, it's exactly what God saying to you. 

And that's where when you're seeking it from a resource, your people, instead of the source, you're always going to be disappointed, I mean he tells us that over and over again, we see it scripturally that people fail each other on a regular basis. God's the only one that doesn't fail us. So if you're going to those resources going, I need, I need, I need, they're going to fill you for a little bit, but you're constantly going with your empty cup going fill it, fill it, fill it, fill it. 

Rich Bennett 32:54
Something, and if you're not doing it, I don't understand why, because you do the coaching, you do the podcast, you don't have a book yet. Do you do speaking and if you're, if you don't, why not? 

Tanya Gioia 33:13
So here's the promise I made to myself, I was an older mom when my kiddos were born. I wanted to be the one that raised him. I wanted my feet under the table for breakfast and my feet under the table for dinner, somewhere in these last five years, I took a job that required me to travel quarterly, it was still too much, it was still too So speaking often requires the traveling and those types of things. It's coming. I'm graduating the second one to my great pain. He's going to go off to college next, not this, not this fall, but the following fall, you know, so God is, is putting things in my path, but he's also pretty, so thanks. He's also saying not 

Rich Bennett 33:58
not 

Tanya Gioia 33:58
yet, 

Rich Bennett 33:58
yet. Right. Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 33:59
So, yes, I think that will come and the book is, is on my heart, uhm, the tools are getting better, writing would be better if I could speak it rather than having to actually write it, hahaha. 

I haven't taken it down despite my oldest son going, 'Mom, you can't leave those pictures of me up there'. Look, but you are so cute, hahaha, haven't taken that down. I've got, you know, the other blog that I work, or the other website that I work off right now, and then the podcast, and what I'm finding is, I just keep learning and some things keep showing up. And I'm like, oh, I got right that one down, but then I forget where I put it. I don't know about you Rich, but I get to a certain age, haha, I got forgot where I put all that stuff. 

Rich Bennett 34:58
Yes, I'm that way too. I gotta always, and the funny thing is I've never kept a journal by my bed, and I learned, when I stopped watching all the negative stuff on TV, 

Tanya Gioia 35:13
uhm, 

Rich Bennett 35:14
I started sleeping better, 

Tanya Gioia 35:15
uhm, 

Rich Bennett 35:16
and you know, the funny thing is I'd wake up, now I wake up in the middle of the night because I dream of a good idea, and I couldn't have had nothing to write it down, so I grabbed, I bought a journal, put it next all my nightstand, you know how much stuff I have written in that journal so far? It's been there for a couple of months. 

Tanya Gioia 35:36
No. 

Rich Bennett 35:37
Not one 

Tanya Gioia 35:38
It's 

Rich Bennett 35:38
thing! 

Tanya Gioia 35:39
coming. 

Rich Bennett 35:39
Hahaha, it's Hahaha, 

Tanya Gioia 35:40
coming. 

Rich Bennett 35:41
no, I keep having the ideas. It's just, I think it's just that when I actually get up in the morning and start working, I'm remembering them. 

Tanya Gioia 35:50
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 35:51
So I come back and stairs and write it down. 

Tanya Gioia 35:53
There you go. 

Rich Bennett 35:54
Hey, then it's right there. All right. So tiny, I love to ask my guest this. With your coaching, can you share one or two feel good stories? I've asked somebody that you helped out? 

Tanya Gioia 36:09
Sure, absolutely. Uhm, so I had a young woman come to me, I will tell you from the beginning, her marriage was not salvaged, unfortunately. Uhm, but she came to me and she, she was totally struggling with who she was, how she got validated, what was important, um, and she, she tried to work things out with her husband, what happened was, he absolutely refused to stop using. And when you get a person who puts that curtain in front of themselves, we can't, can't work with that. So 

Rich Bennett 36:46
Yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 36:47
she did what, what was needful and necessary, they went ahead and divorced and then she's like, I really don't know who I am. So we spent another year together 

Rich Bennett 36:57
wow, 

Tanya Gioia 36:58
and she is now working for a company that she loves, she has started a Bible study, she has created a friend group. And she's even done so much forgiveness work that if her former husband, he had a medical emergency, she was able to be there for him to take him back and forth to the doctor. She's able to, you know, go ahead and say, there are some really good times, and I'm going to hold on to those and I'm going to let go of the other ones. So that to me is a super success. It isn't exactly what she wanted and God had other plans, but she's stepping out being the woman that he created her to be, without that kind of infection and that anger and revenge. And all those things in there, she's let all of that flow and the forgiveness is holding true and she's able to talk to other women about how they can come back into their own identity too through this Bible study she's running. 

Rich Bennett 37:56
That is great. Actually, before I, well, I won't forget because I have it written down tell, because you do coaching virtually as well. So if that with anybody anywhere or is it just where you're 

Tanya Gioia 38:11
anybody anywhere, unfortunately, I'm monoling wrists, so you do have to speak English, but other than that. It's anybody anywhere. 

Rich Bennett 38:19
I 

never thought of that. I said, have are two questions number one, tell everybody the website websites how they can get in touch with you and the coaching that you offer the different types of coaching 

Tanya Gioia 38:35
So 

Rich Bennett 38:35
offering. 

Tanya Gioia 38:35
it's tanyajoya.com, T-A-N-Y-A-G-I-O-I-A.com. That's the hard part. And I offer both a group coaching and an individual coaching. There's a course that comes with that. We've found that that's really productive. And I personally really like the group because the women support each other. Now, individuals sometimes we break off into that if there are higher needs, as far as that's concerned. So, that is just an ongoing piece. And then I have some smaller courses that are self-directed on boundaries, on prayers for your husband, you know, some smaller self-directed courses. And they're all over there. There's some freebies over there. Your identity in Christ, all those other pieces are over there as well. I also have a podcast that's now called Faith Over Addiction. That I've been interviewing just some people. God really put it on my heart that I needed to move more towards people who were really talking about God and His healing. So that's where Faith Over Addiction, really moved. It took a huge leap forward as far as that's concerned. And then you asked me a second part of the question and I forgot. 

Rich Bennett 39:48
How they can get in touch with you? 

Tanya Gioia 39:49
Okay. So you can go to the website and do that. It has all the information click. I'd love to do a quick call with you, understand what's going on. See if we're good fit. If we're not, I have tons of resources in the community that can add you towards that. I work mainly with women. I work only with women. I don't, don't work with men, but I have other people who do that. And then there are a couple of other groups that I can point you to. My personal experience has not been the heart-wrenching loss of a child. So I have some other people I can point you to for that. And I hope not to why. You know, God, if you're listening, I hope not to walk that one. So I have other folks who can do that as well. 

Rich Bennett 40:36
All right. And you already mentioned the podcast and I wanted to talk about that. I love talking to other podcasts because I'm well. People should listen to your podcast. And I think you already answered this question, but what made you decide to start the podcast? And for those people that are thinking about starting a podcast, what's been the biggest 

Tanya Gioia 41:00
struggle? Tech is the biggest struggle. 

Rich Bennett 41:03
Okay. 

Tanya Gioia 41:04
Remember, I started my podcast. We took a break in 2020. Everybody starting a podcast in 2020. God asked me to pause my podcast. 

Rich Bennett 41:14
Okay. Yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 41:15
I still 

Rich Bennett 41:16
what. 

Tanya Gioia 41:16
remember And we're having God now having this. I'm like, really? Now, pause it now. Why now? So anyway, um, 

Rich Bennett 41:27
he knew it was going from 700,000 podcasts to 7 

Tanya Gioia 41:30
And 

Rich Bennett 41:30
million 

Tanya Gioia 41:30
that's why 

Rich Bennett 41:30
podcasts. 

Tanya Gioia 41:31
maybe I don't know. Well, it doesn't make sense to stop. Still, but, you know, 

Rich Bennett 41:34
when 

Tanya Gioia 41:35
I get in front of the throne and I can ask the tons of questions I have, I'm going to say, why stop the podcast? Um, my what has happened now is there are so many other things that make this simpler. Um, when I started, I was using like Apple's garage ban. I was doing all my own editing thumbnails were kind of a thing, but not a super big thing. You know, getting on Apple was a struggle. So the tech was a lot of struggle. Now they have so many platforms out there that you can record straight to your phone, get it out there, put it out there. You can drop it. Um, what is it? There's, there's one that really does that quickly. And I can't say pod bean, pod bean, apparently is one of the easiest ones to use. Now I've used many different things. I'm using Hello Audio now also really simple and private podcasts have become become a thing. So 

Rich Bennett 42:30
I just got an email from them. 

Tanya Gioia 42:31
They're I really 

Rich Bennett 42:33
like. 

Ardai, okay. 

Tanya Gioia 42:35
So, but anyway, I would encourage anybody to start their podcast, because that's one of the things is women that we lose pretty quickly. Sometimes just in a normal family is our voice. So if you have got something you want to talk about and we've seen people talk about all kinds of things, go ahead, use your voice, put it out there, get excited about it. It doesn't have to be perfect. And especially if you turn it over to God, you're like, okay, God, what do I need to be doing now? He has walked me through several twists and turns of 'we're turning it over here, we're turning it over there'. And that's been fabulous. So my thought process has been if one person, if that one, you know, who is lost from the 99, here's this and says, okay, I either want to find out more or I want to check in with my local church again or whatever, then it's been worth it, it's been worth every bit of it. And this is the fun part, what you're doing right now, Rich, this is the fun part, is the interviewing stuff, but the tech has got 

Rich Bennett 43:40
Oh yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 43:40
so much simpler since you and I started that it can be put out really quickly. And if you don't like that, do the mini, the mini podcast on Instagram, I think they have, you know, upped it to like three or four minutes that you can do the video. 

Rich Bennett 43:54
Really? 

Tanya Gioia 43:54
You know, do, do that. Do whatever it is that gets your voice out there because here's the other thing, even though my, oh, this doesn't like having his picture out there, I have more of a historical record than I ever would have had I not done that blog that turned into a podcast that just, you know, it blossomed. It's a family history piece of telling the story of who we 

Rich Bennett 44:19
are. Actually, have you had either of your sons or your 

Tanya Gioia 44:23
So 

Rich Bennett 44:23
podcast? 

Tanya Gioia 44:25
my youngest started a podcast of his own, 

Rich Bennett 44:28
oh, come 

Tanya Gioia 44:29
So 

Rich Bennett 44:29
on. 

Tanya Gioia 44:30
cute. He has sense quit, but I have all the episodes from it. And it's just, it's just adorable. And then I have I I don't think I've had our podcast has always been really adults. So my husband and I did it together for a while. And then when he got on the road, we, we stopped doing it together. We were on his podcast. I can't remember if he's been on our, but he was in fourth of fifth grade. You know, they're just now hitting the point where some of the seriousness of this, and, and, and I want parents to be real clear, bring them along. There's lots of good information out there. We were privileged to go to the Betty Ford Children's program for more dealing with addiction. They have an online now. We happen to be in a state that has one, but they have an online now. They have funding if you want to bring your family in. It had it changed our lives. And it really changed how we thought about addiction. So I'm sorry, I didn't bring that in earlier, but look that up the Betty Ford Children's program for families with addiction can look that up online. There's some wonderful people there. They just loved on us. And it's not, this is where I think families get stuck. It's not shamed based. You're going to be there with other families who are working to recreate a life and to heal their children because as you started to say earlier, my kiddos did come out with some trauma from that thing, they're still going to work out. And we need to be holding space for them as, as they begin to work that out. 

Rich Bennett 46:10
Yeah. So before I, because I'm looking at the time, too, before I get to my 

Tanya Gioia 46:15
question, 

Rich Bennett 46:16
last is there anything you would like 

Tanya Gioia 46:20
to add? I think on the subject of children is there's already so much happening for them that is often in families. We were, we have a friend who they were taking dad to week in jail, and he told the kids in the back seat, we don't tell people that this is happening because this is not really happening. So oftentimes in, in families, what you saw, you're told you didn't see. And so then you begin not to trust yourself. I mean, we're kind of back to the self-worth piece there. So be age appropriate. Honest with your kids. And if you don't know how to do that, get in some groups like thrive family resources, you know, get materials on, there's a book, oh beamer, the light bulb boy, because oftentimes feelings people, children don't understand feelings because they've been told they don't really feel what they feel. And so now they don't know. So beamer is like yellow for happy and green for jealous and red for angry. And we had to do this for my youngest, I put up plates. And he could tell me what feeling he was feeling. And I can pretty much tell you that came out of the trauma of his early life when he was, he didn't have words to verbalize. So we've had to work through that differently than we did with the oldest one who had some more words to verbalize, but again, still really young. And then it is extremely important to bring them along on the journey. If you're in a celebrate recovery, they have a children's program. They have a children's program and a teen program, wonderful program, which is a 12-step recovery program that centers on on Christ himself. So bring them along, make sure they get what they need, secrets, build secrets and secrets, make us sick. So age appropriate, but bring them along. So we did all those things for our kids. You'd trigger. It's been such a long time. They, they were still reading the Beamer's, they still occasionally read the Beamer books. They were still reading the Beamer books late into, um, probably 12, 13, 14 years old. And they're explaining things to themselves, which is the best way to learn. So we did Betty Ford. We did passport to purity. We did, um, they were in our celebrate recovery children's program. I had them read. There's some really, there's a good book by Mo isem called 

Jesus, Jesus sex and the conversation, the church forgot. So talking to this about young men. And it's a woman actually mows a woman. So she's writing this from that perspective, but, but talking about it in a way that's very biblical. So bring them along on the journey age appropriately and answer their questions. 

Rich Bennett 49:17
Yeah. Yeah, definitely without a doubt. It's, um, 

Gotta be honest with your kids, but like you said, to the age level. 

Tanya Gioia 49:28
Yes, 

Rich Bennett 49:29
as well, 

Tanya Gioia 49:29
because you can't you don't want to make them little psychiatrists. You don't and they, they're not your best friend. I'm sorry. They're not your best friend. There comes a time later when they're adults, when the friendship part happens. But during that time there, they're your children. So age appropriate. And then the other thing that both my husband and I did for ourselves was we sunk into our respective groups. My husband can never be my girlfriend. He can be my friend. 

Rich Bennett 49:58
Right. 

Tanya Gioia 49:58
He can be the person that I turned to, but he can't be my girlfriend. So I still need a time with that. I don't want to go shoot guns with him. So he needs friends to go shoot guns with. So that sinking into that and finding that community. So you're not dependent totally on the family and certainly not dependent on your kids to be your social and your support system, because that's not appropriate either. 

Rich Bennett 50:23
You don't want to shoot guns with them, but you'll teach him how to plow. 

Tanya Gioia 50:27
Yeah. You already knew how to plow. Well, I mean, we dirt bike together, we do, we ski, we ride horses, we do all those other things, but guns, guns are just not my thing. And for all those women who love 

Rich Bennett 50:37
Yeah. 

Tanya Gioia 50:37
guns and hunt, go do it. It's just not me. 

Rich Bennett 50:40
I don't believe you. All right. So for my last question and it's probably not what you think I was going to ask, what is one practical step that you encourage women to take when they feel overwhelmed by their loved ones addiction. 

Tanya Gioia 50:55
So reach out, find a group. If it's an online group and you don't feel comfortable showing your face, because you can't bear to walk through the door or you live in a small town like we do. There's so many resources out there. Find somebody that you can at least listen in that you're not alone. So there's extraordinary resources out there. Celebrate recovery has groups. Allen on has groups. You know, if you if you the biggest thing if you are unsafe, get safe. Figure out how to do that. But if we're talking about a woman who is not unsafe is raising her family, then get to where people are telling stories to where you go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I, yeah, I connect with that and listen to their wisdom. That's how we get brought up in groups. Now if you're ready to step forward, there's a myriad of coaches. Listen to what they're saying. Listen to their thoughts. And then the pivotal book on boundaries is called boundaries by John Townsend and go and get that. It's a Christian perspective on boundaries. Boundaries are there to help us be the people we're designed to be not to harm or not to put other people out. And boundaries are not just a good thing. They're a God thing. And if you want to go back and read Genesis, God said, Hey, I gave you a boundary. You cross the boundary. So we're going to have to limit your access. I'm not walking away from you. But if you don't have enough responsibility for the access I've given you, we're going to have to go through some more training to work through that. So, grab that Lisa Tercurs hat also has some really great books on it. If you're too worried about what's going to happen, do it in a way that you can be quiet about it. But do it for you. You're not going to change him or her or whoever that is. 

Rich Bennett 52:49
Right. Well, Tanya, I want to thank you so much. Those of you listening, again, go to Tanya.com/T-A-N-Y-A-JOY-A-G-I-O-I-A.com. And make sure you check out her podcast to Faith Uver Addiction Podcast. Tanya, I want to thank you and God bless. I know we're going to be talking again because I'm going to mention something to you real quick. When we finish, I would love for you to come back on for that. 

Tanya Gioia 53:22
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. This has been fun. 

Rich Bennett 53:24
Thank you for listening to the conversations with Rich Bennett. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and learned something from it as I did. If you'd like to hear more conversations like this, be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And if you have a moment, I'd love it if you could leave a review. It helps us reach more listeners and share more incredible stories. Don't forget to connect with us on social media or visit our website at ConversationsWithRitchBennett.com for updates, giveaways, and more. Until next time, take care, be kind, and keep the conversations going. You It takes a lot to put a podcast together. And my sponsors help add a lot, but I also have some supporters that actually help me when it comes to the editing software, the hosting, and so forth. There's a lot that goes into putting this together. So I want to thank them. And if you can, please, please visit their websites, visit their businesses, support them however you can. So please visit the following. Real-life Real life prosthetics, cutting-edge solutions, restoring ability since 2001. Go to reallifeprostetics.com. Full Full Circle Boards, nobody does Charcuterie like full circle boards. Visit them at fullcirclebords.com. Sincerely, so your photography. Live in the moment. They'll capture it. Visit them at sincerelysouer.com.