Xanet Pailet on Emotional Safety & Sex

Wendy & Rich 0:01
Coming to you from the Freedom Federal Credit Union Studios, Hartford County Living Presents, Conversations with Rich Bennett. 

I'm going to be talking to you. You're not going to show up. You're going to be talking to me. You're going to be talking to me. You're going to be talking to me. No, no, no, no, no. Truth is...

Rich Bennett 0:27
I'm going to be honest. This is one of those conversations that pushes me a little outside my comfort zone. That's exactly why I wanted to have it. I originally wanted to get one of my co-host Wendy to do this with me. She was uncomfortable with it. I reached out to my guest and said, "Okay, are you comfortable doing it with just me?" And you'll understand why in a minute. A lot of guys, I would think, don't really... They don't keep comfortable talking about this. But anyways, today's guest spent 26 years in a marriage where intimacy quietly disappeared. Not because of betrayal or drama, but because of disconnection. Genet palette, I just had to do it. Left a successful career as a health care attorney and rebuilt her life around helping couples who look fine on the outside but feel like roommates behind closed doors. So this isn't a shock value conversation about sex. It's a thoughtful, honest discussion about emotional safety, communication, and why intimacy doesn't die. It goes underground. So if any of that feels familiar, grab your coffee, grab your tea, whatever you want to drink, sit down and stay with us because you're going to get a lot out of this. 

Hi 

Xanet Pailet 2:00
Rich. Thanks for having me. 

Rich Bennett 2:03
Before we start, I got to tell everybody the story. Oh my god. This way before then, I don't even remember. 

Xanet Pailet 2:14
In the summer. 

Rich Bennett 2:15
Yeah. And we've been more or less playing phone tag. So I think one time I came on and you missed it. A couple times you came on and I... I can't remember. Anyways, we're finally here. 

Xanet Pailet 2:30
We made it. 

Good way to start 2026 to 

Rich Bennett 2:35
on, 

Xanet Pailet 2:35
be 

Rich Bennett 2:35
yeah, there you 

Xanet Pailet 2:36
And 

Rich Bennett 2:36
go. 

Xanet Pailet 2:37
conversations with Rich Bennett. I'm diggin that. 

Rich Bennett 2:41
I want to get really good into this. Because what really struck me about your story is 

nothing was wrong in the way most people define it. No big blowups and if I'm wrong correct me, no obvious crisis. And yet the intimacy slowly 

Xanet Pailet 3:00
disappeared. Yes. 

Rich Bennett 3:01
And you went from a long career as a healthcare attorney. 

Xanet Pailet 3:04
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 3:04
into this very different world of sex and intimacy work. And that doesn't happen without a moment of reckoning. 

Xanet Pailet 3:13
True. 

Rich Bennett 3:14
So 

Xanet Pailet 3:14
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 3:15
what was the turning point that made you realize you couldn't keep living the way you were? And that this was the work you were meant to do. 

Xanet Pailet 3:23
Yeah. It was both like an aha moment. And it was also a very slow transition in some ways. I was living in a marriage with no intimacy and very little sex. I do have two children so there was some. But over time that act faded where we ended up sleeping in separate bedrooms 

if you will. 

Rich Bennett 3:48
Lucy, you're lucky. They 

Xanet Pailet 3:51
were separate beds. No separate 

Rich Bennett 3:52
Wow. 

Xanet Pailet 3:52
beds. We're trying to separate bedrooms. One of us in our son's room. Another one in the master. We were ticked turns. And that was just sort of the natural flow of events. 

Rich Bennett 4:06
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 4:06
that particular relationship. And I did actually, you know, there was, we were very good, let me put it this way, we were very good familial unit, we were great parents, we had fun with our children, we took them on great vacations, we were living in New York City, like, you know, both making a lot of money and going to Broadway shows, I was a Broadway producer, like we had, yeah, on the outside, we did have this, like, you know, ideal life, right? And that's, that's what our friends and our colleagues saw. But, you know, very often, that's just, that's just a show. This is Sham, right? Inside, there was a lot of struggles around not only intimacy, but just our connection in general. We were not, I guess I would say there was not, you know, like, we were really good parents, we were able to talk about, you know, day-to-day stuff. But in terms of, like, really feeling emotionally safe with each other, being able to, especially for me, being able to talk about my feelings and what was going on, that was just, like, really kind of non-existent. And so I actually had, like, a seven-year plan to leave this marriage, meaning, like, when my youngest child got into college, or it's last year of high school, that was my plan. 

Rich Bennett 5:19
Wow. 

Xanet Pailet 5:19
Yeah, I had a seven-year plan, it sounds kind of crazy when I say it now. At the time, it seemed very seen. Like, you know, I want to keep the family together. I don't want to create a lot of drama. And quite frankly, I had never, like, even though, you know, I was very successful. I had my own consulting practice at that time. It was just really scary as a woman to think about leaving a marriage and the security that a two- to urgent couple makes, and he was a lawyer in a big law firm. And, you know, going out, like, on my own, I'd never lived alone in my entire life. I had always either been with a college roommate, and then I went to law school, and was with a housemate, and then I met him, and we were living together. Right? And so it was just really, really terrifying for-- 

Rich Bennett 6:02
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 6:03
Um, so I had my seven-year plan, and then, you know, ultimately the kids did finally get it to both of them in college. Um, and on our, what was our 25th anniversary, when we were, like, sitting across each other at this beautiful restaurant in Chelsea, you're from Connecticut, right? 

Rich Bennett 6:20
No, no, I'm Harford County with New T. I'm in Maryland. 

Xanet Pailet 6:24
Oh, you're in Maryland, 

Rich Bennett 6:25
okay. A lot of people-- 

Xanet Pailet 6:26
I think 

Rich Bennett 6:27
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 6:27
that you're in 

Rich Bennett 6:28
right? 

Xanet Pailet 6:28
Connecticut, 

Rich Bennett 6:28
A lot of people think that. A lot 

Xanet Pailet 6:30
Okay. Okay. Okay. Great. Okay. Um, so, you know, I just, like, sat there and looked at him, and there wasn't a lot to be sad. Um, and I was just, like, said to myself, this is it, we're done. There is not going to be a 26th anniversary, and there wasn't, you know, six months later, we separated. And so that was, you know, the-- there was both a slow, and then, like, okay, we're done. We're just done. Um, and, you know, that's very common, right? As empty nesters, when they-- both-- when your kids leave the nest, 

Rich Bennett 7:00
of people-- Right, 

Xanet Pailet 7:00
right? It's-- it's often a really big turning point for couples, right? If they've been disconnected, they-- they turn to this person who they're with under the same roof and they're saying, like, who the hell are you? Like, who are we as a couple, right? And I see a lot of couples really struggling around at that moment, and that's when a lot of divorces actually in separations happen. We're like, we did our thing. We raised our kids. That was a great chapter, you 

Rich Bennett 7:25
right. 

Xanet Pailet 7:25
know. Now we both deserve to have some other-- other-- something else in our life that creates more happiness for us. 

Rich Bennett 7:32
So even though the sex and intimacy were gone, was the love there? 

Xanet Pailet 7:37
Well, I don't know. I-- I-- I think-- I think there was love, but there wasn't like. 

Rich Bennett 7:43
make-- 

Xanet Pailet 7:43
Does that 

Rich Bennett 7:43
Yeah, it makes perfect sense. 

Xanet Pailet 7:45
Right. 

Rich Bennett 7:46
Wow. 

Xanet Pailet 7:47
Like, we loved each other because, you know, we were married, and we 

Rich Bennett 7:50
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 7:50
raised each other. But I think we liked each other at-- you know, by the end, we really didn't like each other very much. 

Rich Bennett 7:55
So, what-- what actually was the hardest belief you to let go of when you left? 

Xanet Pailet 8:03
Oh, so many beliefs. Well, the hardest belief that I had to let go of is that I was a sexual being because I didn't feel like a sexual woman at all. I was just so shut down from my body and shut down from my sexuality. And-- and for me, that was so challenging because, you know, I was 50 when I left. And I-- you know, I knew that I wanted to be in another relationship, but I didn't know how I was going to tell whoever I was dating online in New York City, like, "Hey, I'm an awesome woman. I'm really successful. I'm a lot of fun to do with." But just one problem we can't have sex. Right. That wasn't going to go over, but that was like the biggest belief that I had to get over. And that was a lot of my work. That was the-- that was, you know, the first piece of it. And the second part of it. And that-- that took a period of time, but not as long as the second part of it, which was like I had to Go through a very long journey to be able to allow myself to open my heart up to somebody else because I was so hurt and so injured. Um, I think we both were, um, in, in being in a relationship like that. 

Rich Bennett 9:15
Okay, I didn't realize. So 50 years old is when you walked away. 

Xanet Pailet 9:21
Mm-hmm. 

Rich Bennett 9:26
Eight years old, it's like, oh my god, nobody's gonna wanna date me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh, what, what was the scariest part about that that being 50 and walking away? 

Xanet Pailet 9:36
Yeah, I think that was the piece. Like, you know, how am I gonna tell somebody I don't wanna have sex with you. Like that just doesn't work for me. Right? When you're like dating online, you know, in, in, in New York City. Like that was very, very, um, skip. That was very scary for me and hard, right? And I didn't, I wasn't actually sure how to address it. I think that was one piece and the other part was, and I don't know that this was scary, but in some ways, it was transformational was like, I really looked at myself and I said, who am I now? 

Rich Bennett 10:08
Mm, 

Xanet Pailet 10:08
Right? I've been a mother, I've been a wife, I've been running a business, which, you know, was successful, but maybe didn't bring me a ton of joy and passion. 

Rich Bennett 10:18
right. 

Xanet Pailet 10:18
Um, and like, there was no space. I'm a Broadway producer, right? Very involved in the theater world. But like, who am I now? Like, who, who is this person underneath all of this? What do I actually want? Because, you know, when you're in that position of raising children and running a business and managing, you know, your life, and I did manage our life, right? Um, there's no, there's no time for you. There's no space for you. There's no opportunity other than going to the gym and running to be able to like have any self-care and even any self awareness around who I was and what I actually wanted in life, right? And that was huge for me. That took a lot of time and effort for me to kind of figure that piece out. 

Rich Bennett 11:04
Okay, so, I mean, the kids are already in college. 

Xanet Pailet 11:07
Right. 

Rich Bennett 11:08
But still even kids that are in college, it can, you know, when parents get divorced, it could be hard on them. 

Xanet Pailet 11:13
Totally. 

Rich Bennett 11:14
How did you, how did you guys explain this to the kids? 

Xanet Pailet 11:18
Well, I mean, interestingly enough, my older son, who's very intuitive, had said to us he was actually home from one semester. I guess it was one summer. Um, and he like said to me, because we had a very close relationship, he looked at me and he said, mom, he was like, you and dad aren't very happy. Why are you still together? 

Rich Bennett 11:41
Wow. 

Xanet Pailet 11:41
Right? And actually, that was probably the catalyst for me finally getting the balls to be able to say like, we have to have this conversation. Like, 

Rich Bennett 11:50
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 11:51
we can't let this go any longer. So he was well aware of it. Um, and for him, it was like a blessing, just, he was like, you know, I want you both to be happy and you're so unhappy. Even though, you know, it wasn't like yelling and screaming, but there was tension in the house when the kids were in high school and 

Rich Bennett 12:08
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 12:08
they all, and they knew it, right? 

Rich Bennett 12:10
They could 

Xanet Pailet 12:10
Kids 

Rich Bennett 12:10
send. 

Xanet Pailet 12:11
sense that, right? Um, I think it was harder for my younger son who was so more idealistic, you know, and for him, like, you know, the first summer of his college like he didn't have a place to live. He had to go live with his, well, he did, but, you know, the family apartment wasn't there. LaConda wasn't there anymore where he grew up. And he ended up living with his girlfriend at the time. And he was very resentful. And it took him a while to, um, took him a while from, to, to, uh, forgive us. 

Rich Bennett 12:45
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 12:46
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 12:46
So with, with couple, especially long term couples. 

Xanet Pailet 12:50
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 12:50
Why do you think so many struggles with intramacity, intimacy? God, oriented lives here. Intramacity even when actually nothing seems wrong. 

Xanet Pailet 13:02
Yeah. Yeah. Um, so the, the patterns that I see is that for a lot of couples there is underlying resentments that build up in relationships because they don't know how to repair conflict when it comes off. Um, and, you know, we end up not, you know, not consciously, but unconsciously, constantly hurting our partners time after time after time. We know where their weak points are. We know where their wounds are, whether we know that's their wounds or not. Um, and we end up hurting each other. And that's normal, right. It is normal in a romantic relationship to hurt your partner over and over again. That is going to happen, right? And I, anybody who says that doesn't happen, like, I'm going to call BS on that. 

Rich Bennett 13:50
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 13:51
It may just be that it happens and you pull it, push it under the rug and you a good quote ignore it. But it's not ignored, right? It ends up becoming like, maybe it's like a little scrape that you put a bandaid on, but then over time it keeps on you get get hurt again and again and hurt each other and that becomes like something that starts festering, right? And then before you know it, it's a huge wound that maybe is not a rep, is, is very hard to repair. And I do that that's one of the big issues in relationships. It's there's not a lot of communication skills. People are not taught how to communicate with their partner. They're, you know, they're not taught, they don't understand what emotional safety actually is. They maybe have never experienced it as a child. And so they end up marrying a partner who also doesn't give them emotional safety because that's what we do. That's who we're attracted to, right? And, but these are all tools and skills that people can learn. And I think that's like the message I always try to bring home to all of my couples and to all of your listeners. Like there's nothing here that's not learnable, right? These are 

Rich Bennett 14:58
Right, 

Xanet Pailet 14:58
all skills. So I think that's one of the, one of the huge issues in long-term relationship, why, why into me starts dying. There's just underneath it, underneath the fact that we're not having relationships or sacks, you know, it's like, we're not really that happy with each other. There's a lot of maybe, maybe fighting is going on, but maybe it's just like all of this resentment that's being built up. And, you know, maybe we've had experiences where we try to open up to our partner and be honest with them. And it got used against us. And it got weaponized against us, or we got criticized, right? Criticism is something that really kills intimacy in a relationship. 

Rich Bennett 15:40
right. 

Xanet Pailet 15:41
So I think that's one of the underlying pieces. And I think another underlying piece is for a lot of couples are just not having good sacks. They're not. And again, these are skills that 

Rich Bennett 15:53
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 15:53
you learn, right? That you can learn. But nobody teaches us that. There's no sex 101 

Rich Bennett 15:58
class. Exactly. There's no cl- 

Xanet Pailet 16:00
Right. Right. So, so we don't we don't have any knowledge, you know, other than what we see on TV or we watch on porn, which generally speaking isn't realistic. 

Rich Bennett 16:13
Yeah, that's the closest people take. 

Xanet Pailet 16:15
It's the closest take, right? And how's that working for people? Not 

Rich Bennett 16:19
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 16:19
so good. And so, you know, when sex becomes routine and boring and not that pleasurable and you don't feel emotionally safe so you can't really ask for what you want or maybe you don't know what you want, right? And then it starts like, "No, no, I think I'd rather just like do something other than having sacks, right?" Those moments get longer and longer. And the other thing that happens, and I see this a lot as well, is one partner, typically the male, typically, not always, is constantly getting rejected. They try to initiate with their partner, right? 

Rich Bennett 16:53
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 16:54
And then they get rejected. Then they try to initiate again, and then they get rejected. And they're like, "Well, hack. I'm not going to do this again. This hurts. 

Rich Bennett 17:01
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 17:01
I don't, you know, I want to feel desired. I want to feel like my partner wants me. Why should I keep on putting myself out and get rejected?" Right. And so I think that's another very common pattern that happens and starts to, you know, slowly the intimacy starts to fail. You know, it's really interesting, which I just posted this on Facebook. I asked a question, and I was curious what kind of, I got a lot of responses, what what people said, and I was like, "I think the question was, you can have sex without love, but in a long term relationship, can you have love without sacks?" And it was, the responses were really fascinating. I have to say, 

Rich Bennett 17:40
it's 

Xanet Pailet 17:40
because, 

Rich Bennett 17:40
a great question. 

Xanet Pailet 17:41
It's a great question, right? 

Rich Bennett 17:43
So, yes. 

Xanet Pailet 17:44
Yeah. But it was really interesting the answers that came in, right? And a lot of people were talking about, "Yes, I can love my partner and the sacks is faded over time." And as a section intimacy coach, right, I'm like, curious about that. Well, why has the sacks faded over time? 

Rich Bennett 18:02
some 

Xanet Pailet 18:03
Like, 

Rich Bennett 18:03
people can have sex. 

Xanet Pailet 18:04
Right. that's an exception, 

Rich Bennett 18:06
people. 

Xanet Pailet 18:06
right? Some Right. And, right, they maybe they can have a certain, they can't have intercourse, but that doesn't mean they can't have like other 

Rich Bennett 18:12
things. 

Xanet Pailet 18:13
types of 

Rich Bennett 18:13
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 18:13
connections with their partners, so that's one piece of it, how do we define sex in in this culture, 

Rich Bennett 18:19
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 18:19
right? It's a very very narrow definition, which totally limits our ability to connect with a partner, uhm, in different ways. But also like, what I heard was like, we just don't talk about it. There's not a lot of communication about it. And, you know, I think that a lot of times what happens in a long-term relationship is like, one person wants more, then the other, or we call it like, there's a desire discrepancy, one 

Rich Bennett 18:47
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 18:48
partner wants more sex, the other ones less sex, uhm, and they end up having no sex, or less sex, but the partner with higher desire, they may not be okay with that at the end of the day. And, if they're not okay with it, they might do something outside of the relationship to have those needs met, right? This is why affairs happen as well. This is why people go outside of the relationship. 

Rich Bennett 19:12
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 19:13
This is why they hire, you know, sex workers, right? This is all very, very, very real, I mean, I know a lot of sex workers, and they will say that the majority of their clients are typically often, uh, these are female sex workers, men who are in sexless relationships. 

Rich Bennett 19:30
Yeah, wow! Damn! Alright! 

Xanet Pailet 19:34
The 

Rich Bennett 19:34
So- 

Xanet Pailet 19:34
thing. 

Rich Bennett 19:35
If, actually, we'll go back a minute. What are, or are there any early signs that couples tend to miss? 

Xanet Pailet 19:47
Hmm, great. Well, I think one of the early signs that couples tend to miss is this rejection loop 

Rich Bennett 19:53
Mm-hmm. 

Xanet Pailet 19:54
that's happening. Like the first time it happens, how you respond to your partner is, you know, is one of the differences between it's going to be okay, and it's not going to be okay. 

Rich Bennett 20:04
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 20:05
Right. So, like, no, I'm just not into it tonight. That's a pretty hard-ass, no rejection, right? 

Rich Bennett 20:11
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 20:12
Um, as opposed to, wow, like, thanks for asking, but, you know, I'm not really up to it tonight. Can we schedule something for later in the week? That's a different ask. Right. So, part of it is how you respond when, um, there is a question for sex to be initiated. Um, I think the second warning sign is like, you know, and this is varies from couple to couple, but like, if we're not having sex on a regular basis, are we touching? Are we cuddling together in bed? You know, like, am I feeling connected to my partner? That's the first person. That's the first question I'll ask a couple is like, how connected are you feeling to your partner right now? 

Rich Bennett 20:56
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 20:56
And the skill of 1 to 10, do you feel like, oh my god, yeah, I'm super attracted to them. I really want to be with them or like, yeah, I'm okay. I can just hang out with my guys, my, my guy pals, or I can just hang out with my girlfriends. I kind of rather do that, 

Rich Bennett 21:10
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 21:10
right? Um, and I think that's like some of the early warning signs that I see when things might be able to start to go off the rail. 

Rich Bennett 21:21
Yeah. Wow. All right, so if someone's listening right now 

Xanet Pailet 21:25
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 21:25
and they're thinking, wow, that actually sounds like us. 

What would you want them to know right now? 

Xanet Pailet 21:33
Well, I want them to know that it can be fixed. 

Rich Bennett 21:37
Hmm, 

Xanet Pailet 21:38
Right. Like, the earlier you identify a problem like this, the easier it is to repair it. The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes, right? It's like, you know, if you haven't been to the gym for three years, and all of a sudden you go to the gym for the first time in three years, like, it's hard. Your muscles do not feel comfortable, 

Rich Bennett 22:02
right. 

Xanet Pailet 22:03
right? It's the same thing around intimacy. Even if you've been with your partner for 20 years, but you haven't had sex for three years. The first time you try it, it feels weird, right? 

Rich Bennett 22:14
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 22:14
Um, so don't wait. Like, if something feels off, try to have some sort of conversation with your partner where there's no blame and there's no shame. Like the word that I like to suggest partners use is curiosity, right? Like, I'm, you know, I'm feeling like we haven't actually had any intimate time in quite a while. Like, do you feel that too? Like, do you know what's, what's going on for you? Let me tell you what's going on for me, right? So you can start to have, hopefully, some sort of safe conversation around that. Another thing that they can do is, you know, I created, um, I like to have tools to. 

Rich Bennett 22:57
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 22:57
Yeah, but there's a couple of people who want to have this kind of an intimacy quiz that I can give out, which I'm giving out to anybody for free, right? But it basically it's kind of like a personality quiz for your intimacy style. And taking this quiz, which you can find at how to improve my love life.com. So for all your listeners, how to improve my love life.com. And the recommendation about what your intimacy style is, are you more touched oriented? Are you more words oriented? Is safety and trust really most important for you? Like loyalty more important for you is adventure and experimentation more important for you? And so my suggestion is like take the little quiz it's free you'll get some information you'll see, 

Rich Bennett 23:43
right? 

Xanet Pailet 23:44
Tyract with other people. And then go to your partner and say, hey, you know, I took this like fun, you could call it a Facebook quiz whatever. I took this one little Facebook quiz about my intimacy style and it turns out that, you know, adventure and exploration is really important for me. I'm curious, like, do you want to take the quiz? Because I'd love to know what your style is, right? It's a low stakes way and kind of a fun way to start a conversation that for a lot of couples feel really, really fraught. It's like opening up Pandora's Box. If our sex life has been challenging and one of us addresses it, sometimes it feels like you're opening up Pandora's Box. And this is kind of a fun, safe way to start that conversation. 

Rich Bennett 24:25
You 

Xanet Pailet 24:25
also and 

Rich Bennett 24:25
think it's 

Xanet Pailet 24:26
give it gives you some resources as well. 

Rich Bennett 24:28
I think it's also a good idea for people that aren't having problems to take it? 

Xanet Pailet 24:32
Yeah for sure. Absolutely, right? It's great to know what your intimacy style is, how you interact with your partner, what they're intimacy style is, how is what are the pros for that? What are the cons around that so that you have some more awareness? 

Rich Bennett 24:47
Because it's stronger? 

Xanet Pailet 24:48
Right, and why you might not respond to a particular approach, right? Or why your partner might not respond to a particular approach? It's kind of like you've heard of the five love languages 

Rich Bennett 24:58
Oh yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 24:58
before, right? So it's similar kind of thing, like what's your intimacy style, what's your love language, forgiving and receiving? And understanding that opens up a lot of communication. 

Rich Bennett 25:09
What's the website for that quiz again? 

Xanet Pailet 25:11
It is how to improve my love life.com. 

Rich Bennett 25:15
All right, so those of you listening when you go there and you take the quiz feel free to contact me. If you have any questions, let me know the results. Alright, wait, do they want to let me know the results? Anyways, if you have any questions or if you want to get in contact with Janae, I can hook you up. So wait, I just said hook up. Never mind. No, no, no, see this is. Oh wow. All right, so how do emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy? 

Xanet Pailet 25:51
yes, that's such an important question. So they're very, very intergrally related and this is a, this is true for women and men. And I'm going to tell you the catch 22 that that couples get into, right, this 

Rich Bennett 26:04
Okay, 

Xanet Pailet 26:04
is very typically. And again, I'm using broad generalization here guys and women, right. So if you don't fit into this category, it's totally fine. But broadly, when if we look at the, you know, the hetero sexual normative population, what we find is that for women to actually be able to really open up sexually, they have to feel really emotionally safe because, you know, having sex for women and for men, butとか for women is a very, very vulnerable place. I like to say, like next to having a baby, it's the most vulnerable place that you can actually be, right. 

Rich Bennett 26:40
Right, 

Xanet Pailet 26:41
But for a lot of men, they want emotional safety and need. We all need emotional safety as well. But for a lot of men, they find out emotional safety through sexuality. So when they have a sexual experience with their partner, then they feel like they can be open and intimate and feel more emotionally safe and vulnerable. So it's kind of like a catch-22, is the chicken and the egg kind of 

Rich Bennett 27:07
yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 27:07
problem that we have. So "Hey, I think there needs to be an understanding of the gender's actually in many ways related to this very differently." And I hate to say this, but I feel really confident in this that the women hold the key to the kingdom here. They just do. 

Rich Bennett 27:29
Yeah, 

Xanet Pailet 27:29
You can't have sex without them. And so you have to abide by that kind of rule, which is like she's got to feel emotionally connected and emotionally safe in order for her to open up for us to have a sexual activity then I can feel emotionally connected and safe. So creating that emotional safety in the relationship for both partners, but especially for women, I think is really critical in order to be able to not get into this sexless relationship problem that so many couples end up in 

Rich Bennett 28:05
right. 

Xanet Pailet 28:05
a lot, a lot, a lot. 

Rich Bennett 28:07
Because the body actually responds when emotional safety is gone. 

Xanet Pailet 28:12
It does. 

Rich Bennett 28:13
It 

Xanet Pailet 28:13
So especially if you've experienced any type of trauma, any type of trauma, not just sexual abuse, but emotional trauma, physical trauma, right? Like shame, trauma, like there's lots of different traumas. We always think about it, just a sexual trauma, but no. Any of these traumas impact the body and create a feeling of not being safe in your body. And not being safe in your body means that you're disconnected from your body. Sometimes you're just associated from your body, meaning that you're really outside of your body looking in, if you will, 

Rich Bennett 28:50
does. 

Xanet Pailet 28:50
at some level. And we know what it feels like to create, to be emotionally safe. Like we understand what that feels like in our body when we feel that, right? It's like, oh, I can relax. I can breathe. I can be grounded. You know, I 

Rich Bennett 29:07
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 29:07
can hold this person. I mean, that's how I feel with my partner. I can put my arms around my partner and hold them in my whole nervous system. 

Rich Bennett 29:17
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 29:17
This is a nervous system issue. Being emotionally safe, so I'm an trauma practitioner as well as a sex and intimacy educator and coach. Right. So this is really about two nervous systems, you know, really attuning to each other and everybody like taking a breath and calming down and feeling like this is a good place to be in my body. And when we're not emotionally safe, then we're feeling constricted, contracted, anxious, right? Lots of physical experiences in people's bodies, which they may not be aware of, because they're not as connected to their body sensations. But that's actually what's going on. 

Rich Bennett 29:55
So a few things. I want to, because I want to hit on this because there's a few things you have that can help people out. You're listening to conversations with Rich Bennett. We'll be right back. 

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Xanet Pailet 31:25
books you have. Okay, so I have written two books. I'm the best-selling author of Living Entergasmic Life, Hill yourself and awaken your pleasure. And that book was came out in 2018. 

Rich Bennett 31:38
Oh, wow. 

Xanet Pailet 31:39
Yeah, I know. It's been a while. 

Rich Bennett 31:42
But it's still 

Xanet Pailet 31:45
still very very relevant. That book was, that book contains my own personal healing journey, my sexual awakening and healing journey, as well as a lot of case studies from my clients. So it was geared primarily towards women sexual awakening, but a lot, a lot of men have read that book. And I've gotten a lot out of it. There's also case studies about male clients because at the time I was seeing both female and male clients individually in my coaching practice. 

Rich Bennett 32:18
relevant. It's 

Xanet Pailet 32:20
And like the first half of the book is about all of the things that block us from connecting with our sexuality, shame, trauma, abuse, dissociation, all sorts of 

Rich Bennett 32:34
things. 

Xanet Pailet 32:34
And then the second part of the book are like ways in which you can actually experience more pleasure in your body and talk about tantra and sacred sacred sexuality. And there's a lot of somatic body-based experiences and practices that I offer in the second half of the book. And that book has been super powerful. Like I've had 

Rich Bennett 32:55
It's 

Xanet Pailet 32:55
100-- 

Rich Bennett 32:55
like almost like a guide book, 

Xanet Pailet 32:57
Kind of. I've had hundreds of women and some men like email and say like how reading that book changed their life. And I'm like, wow, okay, that's awesome, you know? I did not. And how relatable it was, right? Of like 

Rich Bennett 33:09
yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 33:09
how many people have had the same experience I have had. And then the second book is called the Sex and Intimacy Repair Kit. How to enhance communication and create a lifetime of passionate intimacy. And that book, I don't know when this is being out, but that book is being released March 4th. 

Rich Bennett 33:29
be-- 

Xanet Pailet 33:29
So it may 

Rich Bennett 33:29
Oh, 

Xanet Pailet 33:29
already And that book is 100% based for couples, based for couples. So really learning like what I said, the tools for intimacy, what does that actually mean? Very specific tools and practices to create emotional safety, to be able to have hard conversations, to learn how to repair conflict when it happens in a way that actually creates more connection and more intimacy rather than, you know, more disconnection. And then some very specific tools around really how to enhance your sex life, because, you know, I could write four more books on that, right? 

Rich Bennett 34:10
right. 

Xanet Pailet 34:10
But I wanted to be really specific about, you know, these are three areas that I think if you actually access and start changing, we'll have a huge impact on how your sex life is. And that's what that book is about as well. And that's based on all of the work that I've done with couples over the past seven years. And I've been coaching for 15 years. But in the past seven years, I've been focusing primarily on couples doing intensive four-day retreats in Asheville, North Carolina, where we really work on one-on-one. We work specifically on the challenges that they're having. 

Rich Bennett 34:44
I was going to ask you about the retreats. 

Xanet Pailet 34:47
Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 34:49
because you have. All right, well, this will got what we're recording this January 21. So this may not be out in time by Valentine's 

Xanet Pailet 35:00
you. 

Rich Bennett 35:00
Day, but You do one. It was. 

Xanet Pailet 35:04
But there'll be one next year. 

Rich Bennett 35:05
All right, that's what I was going to 

Xanet Pailet 35:07
Yes, 

Rich Bennett 35:07
ask 

Xanet Pailet 35:08
yes, yes, yes, yes. So every February, I do an international typically in Costa Rica, sometimes in Mexico last year in Dominica, which was 

Rich Bennett 35:17
you. 

Xanet Pailet 35:17
awesome. Yeah, Valentine's Day, Week Long, or five or six day retreat for couples, a group retreat for couples. This one will February 9 through the 15th. And we do have one spot left. So if this is out early, but I also am offering the same one next year. It's the end of February. It's going like February 25th to March 1st. I believe are the dates also in Costa Rica. This one is going to be in the middle of the jungle in Dominica. It's. 

Rich Bennett 35:44
Yeah, 

Xanet Pailet 35:46
it's an absolutely amazing, gorgeous center overlooking the ocean and in the mountains. It's in the jungle. It's really incredible. So and that's just a, you know, and those rose retreats are for couples who are not really, really struggling because, you know, they need to be like in a pretty good place. And I screen everybody, make sure it's, you know, everybody's in a good place. Sometimes I'll have a couple come and work with me here in Asheville privately, because they are having challenges. And then things get better and then they come on the group retreat. That happens pretty frequently, I would say as well. But yeah, it's an amazing experience. It's super fun. You get to do really juicy activities with your with your partner. 

Rich Bennett 36:30
Right. HA HA 

Xanet Pailet 36:33
Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 36:33
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA 

Xanet Pailet 36:35
you know, we're in a group setting, right? 

Rich Bennett 36:38
Okay. 

Xanet Pailet 36:38
We're a group classroom where they're doing touch-exercises and other types of, you know, 

Rich Bennett 36:43
we've, 

Xanet Pailet 36:44
practices 

Rich Bennett 36:44
right? 

All the coaching you do is only in person, uh, virtually. 

Xanet Pailet 37:03
Mostly, yeah, mostly. So I mostly just do my retreats, which are intensive, so they're over a four-day period of time from Friday to Monday, they spend 13 hours with me, um, you know, they stay in, we have this very, very sexy Airbnb, 

Rich Bennett 37:19
Uh-huh. 

Xanet Pailet 37:19
um, where they stay and then we work up in my office and, um, I have found, yeah, I've done a lot of virtual coaching. 

Rich Bennett 37:29
That's right. 

Xanet Pailet 37:29
A lot during the pandemic and even when I was living in California. Um, but, um, I have found that in my own personal experience, like doing week-long, deep-dives really are much more transformational in your body and in your experience and, and so what I found was like, when I work with couples over a four-day period of time, like we go really, really deep and I'm able to, like, immediately see what's going on. 

Rich Bennett 37:56
Right. Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 37:56
And immediately work with them. Um, and also give them lots of experiences here where I can coach them, like, no, don't touch her that way. Touch her this way. Let me show you this type of touch, right. Um, all within, like, you know, boundaries that everybody feels comfortable with, like, people don't take their clothes off. Well, the women take their shorts off, but they usually have like a sports bra on under, 

Rich Bennett 38:17
right 

Xanet Pailet 38:17
or something. Um, and, and it's, it's, I have, I have, you know, and a lot of the couples I see not all, but a lot of the couples I see really are on the verge of separation, right. And I might be the last person, like, they've seen a therapist, they've even seen a sex therapist. The things have not really improved. And then they come and see me. Um, and I do have like a 90% success rate of, you know, couples not only changing, but that changed sticking through. And sometimes I do coach them. Uh, I would say about 50% of my couples, I'll continue coaching after they leave for maybe six sessions, you know, a couple of couple of months just to make sure that things are on track or, 

Rich Bennett 38:55
right. 

Xanet Pailet 38:56
Amongst them all support. But yeah, so I have found that to be a lot more effective. Um, and that's just me. There's a lot of people that do virtual coaching with couples that, you know, do really well with it. I, I guess I'm just a hands-on, you know, 

Rich Bennett 39:12
in 

Xanet Pailet 39:13
person person. 

Rich Bennett 39:14
Yeah. I mean, I know, yeah, with COVID a lot of people went to virtual for everything. I mean, help, we're doing it now. 

Xanet Pailet 39:22
Right. Exactly. 

Rich Bennett 39:23
But I think when it comes to almost any type of therapy, um, I know sometimes, you know, mental health therapy sometimes virtual works, but with what you're talking about because the touch and everything in person, just I think would make it so much better. 

Xanet Pailet 39:41
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And you need to show people things like 

Rich Bennett 39:44
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 39:44
I have this whole basket of something you might see. See some toys up there, right. But like, you know, I have a whole basket of sensual tools of like let's try this. Let's try a feather. Let's try a scarf. Let's try some metal, right. Like that's a very, you know, sensate oriented experiential and my work and the reason this is so important is all of my work is very experiential and interactive because, you know, sex happens in your in your body. Yes, your brain is the biggest organ when it comes to sex. I'm saying that's not important. But talking about it doesn't do anything. It doesn't change the dynamic. 

Rich Bennett 40:19
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 40:19
The only thing that changes the dynamic is having a different experience in your body of like, oh, that's what emotional safety feels like, oh, that's what it feels like when I'm turned on. Oh, that's the kind of touch that makes my skin crawl. Then you begin to understand what you actually want that you're 

Rich Bennett 40:38
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 40:38
not getting, 

Rich Bennett 40:39
right. Yeah, because people could experience something that they never tried before. 

Xanet Pailet 40:44
right, 

Rich Bennett 40:45
And you're like, just a simple touch, just the way you touch somebody, where you touch somebody, you can touch somebody in the same place two different ways and it'll make a big difference. 

Xanet Pailet 40:58
Huge difference. 

Rich Bennett 40:58
And a lot of people don't realize that I think 

Xanet Pailet 41:01
right. 

Rich Bennett 41:01
you meant 

Xanet Pailet 41:02
Exactly. And again, all skills that can be learned. Right. That's 

Rich Bennett 41:04
right, 

Xanet Pailet 41:04
that all skills that can be learned. 

Rich Bennett 41:07
Exactly. You mentioned success and one of the things I love to hear is the feel good story. 

Xanet Pailet 41:15
So 

Rich Bennett 41:15
can you share either one or two stories of about people a couple couples that you have helped and you'll need to use their names. 

Xanet Pailet 41:23
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, well sure, uhm, so, uh, so many of them. (laughs) Let me 

Rich Bennett 41:31
one. 

Xanet Pailet 41:31
pick 

Rich Bennett 41:31
Well you said not what 90%? 

Xanet Pailet 41:33
I do, but you know, uhm, so uhm... A couple that recently came to me, uh, came to see me, um, and they are a couple that, um, work in the same business. Now that creates a lot of its own issues, 

Rich Bennett 41:52
Yes. 

Xanet Pailet 41:53
right? Um, and, you know, sometimes, and this is particularly true for this couple, They're already having a lot of sacks, sometimes they are, but the communication and other aspects of the relationship are really struggling, and that was going on in this particular situation, right? Where, you know, he was feeling, like, totally overwhelmed with feeling, and again, this was like, I, I can't ask for any help. I'm an independent guy, this is my macho thing, I'm gonna run this business, I'm gonna do all of these things, I'm working 12 hours a day. Um, and missing his partner, but not able to express it, and she's like sitting at home doing a little bit of work, but she's in the business a little bit, right? But she's like getting bored, twiddling her thumbs kind of thing, you know, she gave up her other job, she's feeling like, you know, I am worthless, like I'm not doing anything, because for this particular person, feeling like she's being recognized that she's doing work was very important for her to feel good about herself, because she had this very, very deep self-worth wound, 

Rich Bennett 42:59
yeah, 

Xanet Pailet 42:59
right? Um, and, you know, this seems like, and also to the ton of management experience, she was managing multi-million dollar companies, right? And this is like a relatively small, you know, business, um, uh, and, you know, by the end of the retreat, and, you know, I think this was just part of me helping them see, like, what they were each missing, right? They came to a decision that she was gonna start, like, basically becoming the CFO of the company, right? Like, doing the accounting, doing more management, so that they felt, like, they were actually more partners because it's hard to not feel like a partnership, right? 

Rich Bennett 43:40
uh, 

Xanet Pailet 43:41
And to him, he felt like he was doing all the work and not getting any appreciation or recognition, and all she was, you know, doing was like, making him, you know, upset that she didn't want to spend time with him, right? Um, and again, this was not like, and yes, did we work on their sex life we did, definitely. But they were already having, this, this is a little bit unusual, they were having, um, pretty good, pretty good and pretty often, sex, 

Rich Bennett 44:05
right, 

Xanet Pailet 44:05
um, and we're open to exploring new things, but really for them, this was about like, how do we live together? How do we live and work together? How do we feel like we can actually communicate some of our feelings? These were hard things just to say. It was hard for him to be able to say like, well, I really missed you, right? When I'm downstairs and you did, I come home in dinners on the stovetop, and you're already in bed at 9 30 or 10 o'clock, right? Um, that was really hard for him to say, and it was hard for her to say like, I'm really feeling pretty worthless right now. And that's affecting my depression and my anxiety, right? A lot of couples have all anxiety and depression, everybody, um, and that's having a huge impact on, on me and going into, you know, these depressive episodes and whatnot, right? And so like creating like the container, the safety where they could actually start having that conversation completely shifted things for them, you know, by the end of the retreat. So that's one example for a couple that's already having 

Rich Bennett 45:05
wow, 

Xanet Pailet 45:05
sex. Um, and then I can talk about several other couples where they came to me, um, one in particular where they were having no sex, I hadn't had sex in a couple of years, I think, 

Rich Bennett 45:15
right. 

Xanet Pailet 45:15
at that time. Um, and again, under underlying that we're not having sex was like, there's a lot of repairs. There's a lot of conflict that we had that we've never really talked about before and really spent some time with them talking about and working through some of those conflicts. Off the top of my head, I can't remember what it was about, but I think it was something about a child who was living one of their one, you know, second marriage, kid living in the house. 

Rich Bennett 45:43
Ah, 

Xanet Pailet 45:44
causing 

issues or maybe having addiction issues. And again, there just wasn't safety for them to have that conversation about how is this impacting our marriage and what are we going to do about it and because it was only one person's child, you know, how blame is being shifted on all of those confusing issues. And when some of that conversation happened, then we were able to talk about, okay, let's really talk about the different types of touches. That's another thing that that's another way in which I think another example of couples is like a lot of times they touch the same 

Rich Bennett 46:19
there. 

Xanet Pailet 46:19
way, same way, same way, right. But having the experience of like there is, you know, I use I use the four elements of the earth, there's earth touch which is really grounding and creates emotional safety. And there's water touch which is really lovely and flowing and an all-body experience. And there's air touch which is kind of light and very tickly, right. And then there's fire touch which is intense and passionate. And giving them the experience of having a language of like, oh, there's four different types of ways in which we can touch. And I'm going to have an experience of understanding what turns me on, 

Rich Bennett 46:58
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 46:58
right. And being able to ask for something specific as opposed to like that just doesn't feel very good, but I don't know what I want. Now it's like, oh, now I understand like, I like to start with, you know, like, earth touch. I like to feel grounded. I like to feel that our nervous systems are connected. And then, you know, I really like very, very light touch because that turns me on really quickly, right. And so 

Rich Bennett 47:20
That's 

Xanet Pailet 47:20
again, 

Rich Bennett 47:20
like 

Xanet Pailet 47:21
that's another experience. Yeah, it could be creates that show bumps, right. 

Rich Bennett 47:26
there. 

Xanet Pailet 47:26
So creating, you know, giving them a language that they could share with each other, right. Super powerful for them that allowed her to be able to understand what her arousal pattern was and him to understand what her arousal pattern was. And what they both actually wanted and needed to actually start to create a sex life that they wanted to have. So that's another example of like, again, almost always we're dealing with the emotional stuff first. And then once there's more emotional safety in the room, we can easily move into the physical parts of intimacy. 

Rich Bennett 48:06
And so when it comes to the touching, and I mean, I just I love to massage. That's just me. It's like, you know, my wife gets turned in a hard day of work out. I have no prongs massage in her back shoulders or whatever. 

Xanet Pailet 48:23
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 48:24
But it is, and I'm thinking of with the massage and with the intimacy and the touching. Do you focus on like little pressure points as well? 

Xanet Pailet 48:34
No. So I think that's one of the areas. So I always ask a couple before we start like, show me how you touch your partner. 

Rich Bennett 48:42
No. Right. 

Xanet Pailet 48:42
If you think you might want to turn around. And a lot of times what I see or massage touch 

Rich Bennett 48:47
touch massage. 

Xanet Pailet 48:47
massage 

Rich Bennett 48:47
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 48:48
Right. Right. Right. Because that's something we know, we've had the experience of it ourselves. We've experienced massages. We know that feels good in our body. Right. But there's a distinction between a therapeutic touch, which is massage and a relaxing touch and essential touch. And they're different not to say they can't be combined. Right. So like, you know, sometimes when I'm teaching sensual massage, I start off with like some teaching some massage touch. Right. Because it relaxes the body and you want to do that. But then if it's a sensual massage, you want to quickly transition into more sensual touch. So that's the thing, right. When somebody starts massaging your shoulders like when Darren does that to me, it's like, oh man, that's amazing. But if he doesn't put his hand someplace else, I'm 

Rich Bennett 49:33
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 49:33
thinking we're just getting a massage as opposed to something else might want to happen here. And so I think that a lot of I see that a lot like, you know, yeah, massage is great. It's awesome. It relaxes the body. But for most people, it does not turn them on. It's not central. It's therapeutic. 

Rich Bennett 49:51
Okay. That's one. Yeah. No, it does. Because I know with massage, when you're doing massage, you're you're focusing on the different pressure points, which helps with the brain and everything almost like tapping. But at the same time, I like the you don't want that full massage. Sometimes you just wanted. I like that as my wife says, just draw on the back. 

Xanet Pailet 50:14
Yeah, that's 

Rich Bennett 50:15
very lightly as like, I mean, my fingers stiffens up, but you know, 

Xanet Pailet 50:21
yeah. I mean, that's more of a sensual... 

Rich Bennett 50:23
Yeah! 

Xanet Pailet 50:24
you know, of, you know, essential touch and using like your, maybe your whole hand because using your whole hand feels more grounded, it feels more connected, right? And then going into kind of lighter, lighter touch as well. I'm not, I'm not at all saying not to do a massage. Massages are great and they can 

Rich Bennett 50:43
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 50:43
transition into essential experience. But don't expect that if you massage your partner's shoulders that they're going, she's going to think that you want to have sex with 

Rich Bennett 50:51
Oh 

Xanet Pailet 50:51
her. 

Rich Bennett 50:52
absolutely 

Xanet Pailet 50:52
No, no, right. Or 

Rich Bennett 50:54
not. 

Xanet Pailet 50:55
even like, see, or even start to feel the rouse. 

Rich Bennett 50:57
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 50:58
That's not what that's about. It's about releasing tension and stress and 

Rich Bennett 51:01
Exactly. 

Xanet Pailet 51:01
trigger points and things like that. 

Rich Bennett 51:03
Exactly. 

Xanet Pailet 51:04
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 51:04
And it's, the thing is, especially so when your partner comes home from work, a lot of times they are stressed out. 

Xanet Pailet 51:12
Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 51:12
And I think if you do that massage first and then have dinner or whatever, if something, if it leases something else later, then some yet, you know, 

Xanet Pailet 51:22
yeah, 

Rich Bennett 51:22
yeah. I just find that and I guess this is the difference between the love of the sex part. You care enough for your, for your partner to wear, you're going to release that stress 

Xanet Pailet 51:32
for 

Rich Bennett 51:33
them massage or another thing is just, talking to the number of your phrase, talking with them or better yet, just listening. If they want to come home and vent, 

Xanet Pailet 51:46
yes, either 

Rich Bennett 51:47
listen. 

Xanet Pailet 51:47
yes, 

Rich Bennett 51:48
You don't have to, 

Xanet Pailet 51:48
totally, 

Rich Bennett 51:49
spine, just, 

Xanet Pailet 51:50
totally, 

Rich Bennett 51:50
just listen. 

Xanet Pailet 51:52
totally. 

Rich Bennett 51:52
And 

Xanet Pailet 51:52
And I think that that's such an important point, which because 

Rich Bennett 51:54
yeah, 

Xanet Pailet 51:54
I think this is where a of couples get into conflict. I come home and I have like a really long day and I tell you about all these problems I had at work and then your partner starts to try to fix it, right? And that's so frustrating. It's like, you can't fix it. All you can do, and I tell, I tell people all this all the time, you're fixing it by just being a good listener 

Rich Bennett 52:17
yes, 

Xanet Pailet 52:17
because that's all they need is to vent and feel this is emotionally safe. I feel heard. I feel understood. I feel believed, right? When you, when you try to fix it or fix me, you're invalidating me and 

Rich Bennett 52:32
yep, 

Xanet Pailet 52:33
invalidation is what creates the most conflict in relationship constantly. 

Rich Bennett 52:38
So when couples come to you feeling like roommates, 

Xanet Pailet 52:42
yes, 

Rich Bennett 52:43
what do you usually help them see 

Xanet Pailet 52:48
Well, again, first I help them see what's holding us back, you know, what what's holding us back from feeling like we can talk about what's going on, what's holding us back from really feeling that there's enough emotional safety and creating that container in the relationship, right? That's number one. Are there underlying conflicts? Do we know how to resolve conflicts? Like the emotional piece is the foundation for a good relationship. I say in my new book that the key, and this is ousted true, the key to a long-term successful relationship is learning how to repair, period. 

Rich Bennett 53:27
first? 

Xanet Pailet 53:27
If you can learn how to repair a conflict, you'll have a good long-term relationship, right? And then it's like understanding what's actually happening in their sex life that there's no charge there. You know, is it that they need some education? Yes, a lot of times, right? Is it that they don't know what they want? Is it that they know what they want, but they're afraid to ask for it? And they know what they want, but they're not getting it? Is it that their partner doesn't know how to give that to them, to like hold that type of energy? Right? So, and I know a fair amount of your audience or man, right? True? 

Rich Bennett 54:05
Actually 

Xanet Pailet 54:05
split. Okay, great. Awesome. So I'd love to talk to the men here. guys, I'm talking to you right now, okay? So what I've seen in society is that a lot of men through, you know, everything, the Me Too movement, you name it, right? Have really been emasculated around being able to fully be in their sexual power. Not everyone, but a lot of men feel that way. And they're afraid to bring that passion in, they're afraid to bring that desire in, right? Because they've been taught in the workplace and other places. It's not okay to show that part of yourself. It's not safe, 

Rich Bennett 54:45
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 54:45
even in a long-term relationship. And they want to be good guys, right? People who are listening to a podcast, they want to be good guys, they're good guys, they want to show up for their partners, they want to be respectful, right? And so they shut that part of themselves down. And not to say they don't have sex, they do, but they shut that like, I want you, I want to rip your clothes off, right? And a lot of women, not all women, but a lot, a lot of women, you know, I used to do these workshops with women and men in one circle, women in one circle, men in the other circle. And I would ask the women with the men on the outside circle with their faces facing out so they don't know who was speaking, you know, basically saying like, you know, how many of you raise your hand if it would be a total turn on for you? If your, if a partner who you felt very safe with, like, came in through you against the wall and started like, you know, basically just ravishing you, 

Rich Bennett 55:41
right? 

Xanet Pailet 55:41
Every single hand in the room went up. Every 

Rich Bennett 55:44
time. 

Xanet Pailet 55:44
single 

Rich Bennett 55:45
Wow. 

Xanet Pailet 55:46
Right? So a lot of women want that. They want to be taken. They want to be ravished. They want to be desired. They want their clothes torn off. Not all the time, 

Rich Bennett 55:57
Right? 

Xanet Pailet 55:58
right? And there has to some conversation about it. And what they end up getting is these nice men who are making love to them when they actually want more intensive, I'm not going to use it but more aggressive sacks, 

Rich Bennett 56:11
Yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 56:11
right? And that's a huge disconnect, huge disconnect. And if you're not like getting that emotional need met, then sex becomes maybe okay but not great. And so when I see that, dynamic, which I see a lot show up, there's an opportunity to like completely shift all of that, right? To like, for the women to say to the guy to her husband or partner, like I give you full permission to be your ravenous, you know, animalistic self. That's good, right? If I don't want it in that particular time, I will tell you, trust me, I will say, you know, I really want to be more gentle tonight. 

Rich Bennett 56:53
Right. 

Xanet Pailet 56:53
But I give you permission when that feels right for you to do that, right? And for the men to actually hear that they have been given permission to actually bring their full sexuality into the room. 

Rich Bennett 57:05
Oh, what? 

Xanet Pailet 57:05
And then sometimes with the men, I've got to give them, like I'd give them permission and then I've got to teach them. Like, it's okay. Like you can do this. Like 

Rich Bennett 57:13
Yeah, 

Xanet Pailet 57:13
we play the animal game where we get on hands and they get on hands and knees and they're animals and they try to tear each other and with their eyes closed and whatnot. Right? So that that, yeah, so that that animal instinct, which we all have, 

Rich Bennett 57:26
yep. 

Xanet Pailet 57:26
is allowed to come out in a place that feels safe and shame free and guilt free. So guys, just just hear that. Just just have that conversation with your partner. Don't just do it. But have that conversation with your partner because I think that's what one of the things a lot of women are really desiring in their relationship and not 

Rich Bennett 57:47
getting. Something very important. Tell everybody how they can get in touch with you. 

Xanet Pailet 57:53
the So the best way to get in touch with me is go to my website, which is passionate intimacy retreats within s.com passionate intimacy retreats with an s.com and and rich will have all that 

Rich Bennett 58:11
Oh, 

Xanet Pailet 58:11
information in 

Rich Bennett 58:11
yeah. 

Xanet Pailet 58:11
the 

Rich Bennett 58:11
I 

Xanet Pailet 58:11
show 

Rich Bennett 58:11
have 

Xanet Pailet 58:11
notes as well. Yeah. 

Rich Bennett 58:13
So before I get to my question, is there anything you would like to add? 

Xanet Pailet 58:21
So I think the thing I always like to leave people with is this understanding is that pleasure is your birth right. You were put on this earth to experience pleasure. And if that's not a part of your life, and there's lots of different ways to experience pleasure, right? But if that's not a part of your life, particularly around your sexuality, then you owe it to yourself to at least question that, to look into it, to examine it, to seek support. Because it's out there. 

Rich Bennett 58:51
I love that. So pick a pick a question, yeah, right? Well, you're going to be picking a question. You just don't know what question it is yet. 

Xanet Pailet 58:58
Oh, God. Okay. 

Rich Bennett 58:59
Pick a number between one and 100. 

Xanet Pailet 59:03
Really? Okay. 69. 

Rich Bennett 59:05
I don't even need to ask why that... 

Xanet Pailet 59:09
[Laughing] 

Rich Bennett 59:09
But I could tell, I could guarantee you, you'd just made my brother roll over in his grave. 

Xanet Pailet 59:16
[Laughter] 

Rich Bennett 59:17
Number for everything. 

Xanet Pailet 59:18
[Laughter] 

Rich Bennett 59:22
Okay. How can this not align with what we're talking about? 

Xanet Pailet 59:27
[Laughter] 

Rich Bennett 59:28
Well no, actually it could. 

Xanet Pailet 59:30
Of course it does. [Laughter] 

Rich Bennett 59:32
Yeah. You could spend a year living in a completely different culture, where would you go and what would you hope to learn. 

Xanet Pailet 59:44
Oh my god. Um, that's a great question. Um, 

oh, I'm thinking of so many different things. 

Rich Bennett 59:53
[Laughter] 

Xanet Pailet 59:53
Um. 

Rich Bennett 59:53
I don't know. 

Xanet Pailet 59:54
Yeah, that's a hard one. Um, if I could spend a year living in different culture, um, hmm. 

I... Well, okay, I've always been, I've been intrigued with the French culture, because my name is from, you know, my husband's family was from France. Um, came over from France, and I've always felt like I had past lives in France as well. Very interesting past lives in France. Um, but I've never been there. I've been to other European countries, but I've never been to France yet. And I would really like to spend a year living there, and really understanding their culture from, like, from the gastronomic, like the food perspective of it, to, you know, how they feel, you know, the French are, you know, the French... The Lippartines, right? The French were very sexually open at times, right? And so, like, it's a, it's a, it's a culture that I'm super interested in, and that's probably where I would spend a year in in, in, in France, just exploring all parts of it. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:02
I was gonna say, weren't they lovers, not fighters? 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:04
They were, right? The Lippartines were, and you know, that, that it was a very, like, sexually open, 

Rich Bennett 1:01:11
Mm-hmm. 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:11
you know, um, culture, uh, before that got put down, but, yeah. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:17
you see, so that was the first. That was the first time that question's been asked. See that? It, it worked with what we've been talking about. 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:26
Perfect. Wow, 

Rich Bennett 1:01:28
Hey, I want to thank you so much. Those of you listening, you know, where to go. Also, when you purchase her books, after you read them, make sure you leave a full review, and purchase copies for friends of yours. 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:41
Totally. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:42
You know, there's couples that you know, and those of you that have kids, get, I think this would make a perfect wedding present for, for new couples. 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:51
It would. A whole new market, I should, I 

Rich Bennett 1:01:55
that. 

Xanet Pailet 1:01:55
have to think about 

Rich Bennett 1:01:56
There, there you go. That's, there are honey moons going to be the retreat. 

Xanet Pailet 1:02:01
Oh, yes. That would be awesome. That's the best thing. Right. Get couples in the beginning. 

Rich Bennett 1:02:07
Yes. 

Xanet Pailet 1:02:07
You know, when there aren't problems, so they can learn everything. 

Rich Bennett 1:02:11
Exactly. Exactly. You should, hey. Thank you so much. 

Xanet Pailet 1:02:15
Thanks, Rich. What a, what a delightful conversation. Thank you. 

Rich Bennett 1:02:18
Thank you for listening to the conversations with Rich Bennett. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and learned something from it as I did. If you'd like to hear more conversations like this, be sure to subscribe to the podcast, so you never miss an episode. And if you have a moment, I'd love it if you could leave a review. It helps us reach more listeners, and share more incredible stories. Don't forget to connect with us on social media, or visit our website at conversationswithrichbent.com for updates, giveaways, and more. Until next time, take care. Be kind, and keep the conversation's going. You know, it takes a lot to put a podcast together, together, and my sponsors help add a lot. But I also have some supporters that actually help me when it comes to the editing, software, the hosting, and so forth. There's a lot that goes into putting this together. So I want to thank them, and if you can please, please visit their websites, visit their businesses, support them however you can. So please visit the following Full full circle boards. Nobody does charcuterie like full circle boards. Visit them at fullcircleboards.com. Sincerely, so your photography, live in the moment, they'll capture it. Visit them at sincerelysoyer.com. The Jopitan Lions Club, serving the community since 1965. Visit them at jopitanlinesclub. org. And don't forget the E at the end of Jopitan because they're extraordinary.