Podathon For Recovery: Mallory’s Road to Recovery

Rich & Wendy 0:00
Welcome to a special episode of Conversations with Rich Bennett. This is a part of our part of our recoveries. 12 days of hope. Our mission to raise money for raise against addiction. My co-host Wendy Beck and I will be sharing powerful stories of addiction, recovery and resilience to help break the stigma and show that hope is always possible. Your support helps raise against addiction, provide life change and resources, and you can donate right now by visiting our GoFundMe link in the show news. We are so grateful you've joined us on this important journey. Now let's get into today's conversation. 

Wendy Beck 0:38
As you know, we are really diving in with the personal stories of recovery for this month because we want to share this with our community and beyond so we can, you know, a) get donations and b) show the success stories that actually happen when people apply themselves and they apply their program and the support that they get from the community. Can you start with sharing a little bit about, you know, that. 

Mallory 1:06
Yeah, so I currently work in behavioral health field and I have worked in the behavioral health field since 2014, so a little bit now. And it's been an interesting journey just because I, and I'll talk to this about my story. I started off at a very, like, entry level position and I'm currently in business development for a large non-profit that allows me the ability to have like flexibility and I've kind of worked my way to that position and I really enjoy working with providers and serving the community in that way. And then I also spent a lot of time locally giving back to local nonprofits, giving back to organizations, raising money for them, supporting by showing up and volunteering and just a lot of nonprofits I found a family with a lot of the organizations, the only reason I am sober today is because nonprofits that help support me to get sober and so I really believe in giving back in any way I can. I just got done showing up for an event where my son was involved, my has his mom because of the organizations in Harper 

Wendy Beck 2:37
So 

Mallory 2:37
County. 

Wendy Beck 2:38
how long have you been 

Rich Bennett 2:39
sober? 

Mallory 2:40
been sober since 2013, so what is that? I'm terrible. 

Rich Bennett 2:45
I've 

Mallory 2:46
I think it's coming up on 12 years, so November 23rd, 2013. 

Wendy Beck 2:50
So almost 12 years. 

Mallory 2:52
Yeah. I hope that's right. 

Rich Bennett 2:53
Yeah, that's right. 

Wendy Beck 2:54
I think it 

Mallory 2:54
Okay, I was going to look quite a little sharper. 

Rich Bennett 2:58
is. 

Wendy Beck 2:59
So where did this journey start? I mean from where you probably were not recognizable to the woman that you are now, when you just started. 

Mallory 3:07
I was 22 I turned 23 and three. 

Rich Bennett 3:12
Wow. 

Mallory 3:12
Yeah, which is funny to me to think about. Yeah, I was not recognizable. I was in Seasal County and I 

moved up there in middle school. I'm from Pinchford County originally, so close to the city, right outside of DC and both my mom and my dad drank and used drugs but there was this huge conceptions when I was younger, I'm like, you work hard, but you can play hard too. And from the outside looking in, things look normal. I think that I've really learned how to disguise substance use with substance use runs ramped throughout my family and there was always, 

my dad was a tradesman. He worked in the elevator trade. He made really good money. My mom stayed home. We had like lavish vacations and there was other family outside of my immediate family that were caught up in the groups of addiction that was much worse. 

Rich Bennett 4:20
right. And 

Mallory 4:21
And I remember thinking that like they were different from my family, even though there was like a lot of substance use that I wasn't really aware of when I was younger, but there was a lot of toxicity, a lot of fighting. My dad and my brother would fight, my mom and my dad would fight and then that would also spill over to like favoritism. My brother is my half-brother. So he a lot of times would take out his aggression on me. He got kicked out of He would take out, he got kicked out of school, public school and middle school for selling weed that he stole from my parents. And then there was just like a bunch of things going on in that area at that time. Like the DC sniper and 9/11 and so my parents made this decision for the family to like remove us from that area because they wanted to like pursue us from that 

Rich Bennett 5:21
it. 

Mallory 5:21
they didn't want. You know, I think that there was a lot of bad in my home, but they're also my parents tried to protect us in any way they could like a never fault my family for like anything that kind of was happening, but there was definitely a lot of drug use and a lot of abuse whether. Not so much physical from my parents, but I'm definitely good school for my older brother, and then between the two of my my mom, my dad, there was like a lot of good school abuse and then like for abuse and a lot of drinking and just a lot of like we would be out at a no event or 

Rich Bennett 5:58
out 

Mallory 5:58
at a restaurant or on a vacation or out with friends that my parents, you know, we were really close with their friends, which then we were really close with their kids. And like it'd be totally normal for my family to like break out in a fight. Because they were like under the influence something would happen. And I was just so used to it that 

Rich Bennett 6:20
you mean fighting with each other. 

Mallory 6:23
I was just 

Wendy Beck 6:26
Yeah, 

Mallory 6:26
so used to it that I wasn't like affected and I remember the first time where someone drew attention to that like that wasn't normal. And one of my cousins were like, you know, I heard that your dad does cocaine for my dad, like, I heard, yeah, and like I just remember like the first time like somebody made it aware to me that like, maybe that's not like how families operate or like, you know, breaking out and a fight. I like vacation, family vacation isn't normal thing to do 

Wendy Beck 6:59
like that 

Mallory 6:59
shouldn't 

Wendy Beck 6:59
wasn't 

Mallory 6:59
be so like affected. Yeah, it was my normal. And so like I didn't question it. It was my normal. And I again, like I don't fall my family. But like just giving you a picture of like what it looked like in my world at that age in elementary school. And then also, I was in a French immersion program, which seems not relevant, but it was really relevant when I moved. So I was in a French immersion program. So in kindergarten and I was fluent like learning fluent French. So 

Rich Bennett 7:26
really 

Mallory 7:27
my school was French from kindergarten to sixth grade. My teachers were from Africa, from French colonies. And it was expected that I learned French in school up until third grade. And then in third grade, I started getting an hour of English. So I learned like my subjects, my math, science, everything in French. And then an hour day was like my language for English from third grade to sixth grade. So when my family decided to move 

Wendy Beck 7:58
culture 

Mallory 7:59
yes. 

Wendy Beck 7:59
shock. 

Mallory 7:59
It was a cultural job. 

Wendy Beck 8:00
Yes, 

Mallory 8:02
So, and I struggled I struggled and school and I don't know if that I was diagnosed really young with ADHD. I think that I was pretty. I was a child that a lot of times like lived in a fantasy world and. 

Wendy Beck 8:21
I think that is an ADHD or kind of 

Mallory 8:24
Yeah, and I thought about it a lot like now that I've been sober like I don't. I think that just naturally like I'm just that kind of person and I related to some people that are like that. And then I've also talked to some people that are like completely different from me, but I was definitely I was the youngest. I was very, I wanted to appear and a lot of times was very childish. I wanted to keep like my innocence, like for 

Rich Bennett 8:49
scenario 

Mallory 8:49
my family. I like pretended like Santa Claus was real for a really long time. Even after I knew that it wasn't real. And I think because of whatever dynamic was going on. Santa Claus. Yes, rechue place. He's 

Rich Bennett 9:04
drill. real. 

Mallory 9:06
Yeah, so anyway, but he gets real. But yeah, for like a long time, I was very like innocent and I was goofy and I got my I didn't get my like attention from doing 

world sports and being goofy and like the class clown. And I spent my summer's lot with tutors. So I had this 

Rich Bennett 9:33
just 

Mallory 9:33
poor relationship with school already. 

Rich Bennett 9:36
So 

Mallory 9:36
I just want to put that out there. 

Wendy Beck 9:39
When did the joke truck you start for? 

Mallory 9:42
so I moved to Cecil County and I'm immediately I think before the drug use is this is where I pinpoint like kind of my escape from life was when I moved to Cecil County my parents bought a form which I really much loved and that was like a positive thing in that, that situation. 

in that case, literally, it was, it was, it was it was called a shop, I was in seventh grade, I was younger for my grade, I went into school I was graduated 17. So I was younger than my class. 

I was wearing like what my brother dressed me in which was at the time Air Force ones Nike swissie pants and everybody was wearing Hollister and, um, 

Wendy Beck 10:33
just different 

Mallory 10:34
people were just different so I my solution to that and like where I first pinpointed this. I just didn't go to school I was winning and I just didn't go to school. 

um, in Cecil County he missed more than five days in the year or the working period he failed, he failed the entire semester so that happened I felt my first year in seventh grade. and my parents was around, I guess, my dad was traveling to DC to work and a lot of times would spend the night at my 

Rich Bennett 11:06
and, 

Mallory 11:06
girmals house down there my parents obviously had already tumultuous relationship. my mom was drinking going out to bars I think at this time, I don't really know where she was at that moment but I know that I didn't have a lot of consequences and I think that that started a pattern for me. immediately and I didn't have a lot of consequences for my actions and my mom was actually pretty happy that I was feeling because she wanted to hold me back and I fought it for the first year. So that was like, kind of like she was happy for that because she felt like I needed be in a grade where my age was more appropriate. So yeah, 

Wendy Beck 11:46
okay, well, I mean a year 

Rich Bennett 11:48
can 

Wendy Beck 11:48
be a big deal at that age. 

Mallory 11:50
Yeah, it can be and like, you know, 

Wendy Beck 11:52
I don't know if I would be happy about 

Mallory 11:54
know if she was like 

Wendy Beck 11:54
it. I don't 

Mallory 11:55
happy about it but I think that like 

Wendy Beck 11:56
it was like okay, well, then no, 

Rich Bennett 11:58
Maybe 

Wendy Beck 11:58
no law. 

Rich Bennett 11:59
it's best for you because you're in a new area where you left all your friend. 

Mallory 12:04
Yeah, that I grew up 

Rich Bennett 12:06
is 

Mallory 12:06
with 

Rich Bennett 12:06
that or over to you. 

Mallory 12:10
And I don't really know like I remember getting picked on by some girl that was like in my my year, my class that year that was like had failed multiple years as she was like way older and like being so just uncomfortable and like not being able to like really do math that well because I didn't even know like English that well. So immediately I was like I'm terrible at school. I'm not a good writer. I'm not a good speller. I'm not great at math. I hate school. I hate school when I hate those kids that are there because I feel different and I just don't want to be there. And then my drug use started literally the next year and that summer. 

Wendy Beck 12:48
In eighth grade? 

Mallory 12:49
Seventh to eighth grade. Yeah, so. 

Wendy Beck 12:52
So young. 

Mallory 12:53
Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 12:53
did you fail 

Mallory 12:55
whole grade? Yeah, that whole grade and how to repeat 

Rich Bennett 12:56
that 

Mallory 12:56
his seventh grade? 

Wendy Beck 12:57
So when you weren't going to school like nobody noticed nobody was around. 

Mallory 13:01
really. I remember like I mean we had forces on the farm so like I just remember being really like safe there and like happy there. Well, there's some emotions coming up and I don't know. Like a counseling session. I remember like just being really internal and like being very dramatic. My mom will still call me dramatic and it like sets me off. 

Wendy Beck 13:24
Not 

Mallory 13:26
But like I remember like journaling by a creek and just feeling very safe there. I like really like nature. It's really fun because they're like I go into nature now. I was like a form of self-care. Yeah, being around horses and I made some friends. I made a couple of friends and they one of them had an older sister, my older brother. And they were smoking weed around us. Like they were smoking weed not like consistently. But I remember like you know just being around and I think we were in a park one year for one time. We were in a park one time. We fixed that with like my friend's older sister and her friends. And I smoked weed and like nothing happened right. I was just like okay, 

Rich Bennett 14:09
is I was saying you know something. 

Mallory 14:11
this 

Rich Bennett 14:11
Yeah. 

Mallory 14:19
I started running up and down, being like dramatic and like laughing, and he got mad, like punched me in my, like, head, and my head, my chin hit the banister. 

It's interesting, 'cause my mom will still downplay that, that type of behavior. 

Wendy Beck 14:41
Is he in your life now? 

Mallory 14:42
No, so I guess more to 'em. Yeah, so, uh, Yeah, my dad wasn't around, my mom was at bars hanging out guys, I'm being honest, and I was kind of left-moned, but he says, I think I wanted to do well. I've always wanted to, like, do the right thing. I've always been naturally, which is, like, that kind of person. 

Wendy Beck 15:04
mm hmm. 

Mallory 15:05
Um, and I started to do, like, okay, in school where I got that, like, got back and, like, went on to, like, ninth grade, and, like, the summer from eighth grade to ninth grade, I started to, like, seek male validation, and started to, like, hang out with boys, that then, like, opened up the door for, like, hanging out with people that were drinking on the weekends. Um, and I think, once I hit ninth grade, like, I was dating older guys, um, already becoming sexually active. Um, I think those types of, I wasn't getting attention at home. I, I was watching my mom get attention from men, and that became very much ingrained. And I also, 

my dad wasn't around and when my parents finally got a divorce, which I'll go into detail about that because it was just so, um, monumental in my life. Um, once that, I got my needs met by man. Um, and it's, it's very much coincides with, like, my use and, like, and me getting worse throughout my addiction, but, like, also at the same time, like, without men, I would still beat where I am. 

Rich Bennett 16:30
Right, 

Mallory 16:31
so I want to make that very clear. 

Wendy Beck 16:34
Okay. 

Mallory 16:35
But it exposed me a lot faster, I think. So, 

yeah, on the, in high school, I think I came in wanting to do the right thing. I started playing sports. I was in cheerleading and soccer when I was younger and figure skating and I chose cheerleading and soccer and the same season I chose cheerleading. For sure was on the cheer, cheer team. 

Nothing, I think nothing really monumental happened there, like I was just in school, starting to hang out with boys. It was exciting. It was exciting. 

Wendy Beck 17:12
You were doing the teenage thing. 

Mallory 17:14
yeah, and, and I failed my loss. I failed like some of my classes the last semester of my freshman year. Um, and I got kicked off of the team the next year 

Rich Bennett 17:25
Oh, 

Mallory 17:26
coming in. And I think at that point, like, I, I'm very much somebody who, I was younger, I don't, I wouldn't say I like this anymore, but I would say that very much so if it didn't go my way, I said fuck it. And 

Rich Bennett 17:39
when 

Mallory 17:39
I, and I went the complete opposite way. Um, if a door closed like I didn't care, I was, um, I was going to pretend like I didn't care and I was going to go and do whatever made that me happy and at that time it was like drinking and rebelling and boys and, um, so in 10th grade, I was dating this guy that was a senior at a different school and we were really close with my other friends. My other friend and her boyfriend and what that looked like was bomb buyers and trucks and, uh, cabin. This is crazy. This is. don't let your kids drink at your house. 

Wendy Beck 18:23
No, 

Mallory 18:23
Um, 

Rich Bennett 18:24
yeah. 

Mallory 18:24
Yeah, so I used to go to this cabin, this old man and that his sons were a little bit like older and probably high school at this point, and it was ridiculous. There was older people there younger people there and. 

And, and, and, and, and, and we could take jeeps and take them out on the back of the house and 

Wendy Beck 18:48
It was 

Mallory 18:48
just. 

Wendy Beck 18:48
like a party. 

Mallory 18:49
morning. Yeah, it was a huge. 

Rich Bennett 18:50
You 

Mallory 18:50
Yeah, and just like, 

Wendy Beck 18:52
went and every 

Mallory 18:53
and everybody went and like, yeah, and I got exposed to that really young and, and I was just partying everywhere. Yeah, just partying everywhere. I wouldn't say like I was hooked at that point. There was definitely a point in my life where I felt like I was really hooked. I feel like when it came to my drinking. For the most part, I controlled myself that there is every once in a while where there was something emotional. I'm going on and I would go in and start drinking 

Rich Bennett 19:18
Yeah. 

Mallory 19:19
and I'm immediately black out and I think I was blocking out when we started really young and again there was no consequences. So like, the first time I think I, that I know I blocked out that I remember I probably had alcohol poisoning was seen pop today. I was 

Rich Bennett 19:31
sh*t. 

Mallory 19:32
Probably like 15 or 16. Uhm, uhm, 

Rich Bennett 19:36
damn! 

Mallory 19:37
Let me back up because I gotta tell you about before something, before that happens. But around 10th grade, 9th period, 10th grade, my mom was like cheating on my dad. I was witnessed for the last, my dad was not home, uhm, he was just 

Wendy Beck 19:51
surprised at me and he always 

Mallory 19:52
thought I would. My parents, you know, we know that my parents relationship was tumultuous. Uhm, my dad came home to my mom like cheating on him and I was sitting on the couch with his friend, uhm, just like 

Wendy Beck 20:06
'Cause 

Mallory 20:06
watching TV. 

Wendy Beck 20:07
the man she was with, friend? Yeah. 

Mallory 20:08
Yeah, just watching TV. My mom's like, idea of a good time at that time. With me, was taking me out to bars, like, and singing karaoke, playing shopping for her. I was like, that's how I spent my time with my mom. 

Rich Bennett 20:22
Wow. 

Mallory 20:23
At that time, at like 14, 15, was watching my mom. Used man essentially to get cars, to get, uhm, just like support in any way and yeah, my dad came home one night from work and my mom was upstairs. He asked me where she is, he runs upstairs. There's like, and there's up stairs, there's a staircase that goes in from the back and then there's another staircase like goes in the bottom. He runs off the back door. My dad's so pissed he's running and leaving back to his car and I'm calling his name and he doesn't stop. And at that age, I'm gonna cry. That was like, really, a lot of me. I turned around as that. I was not only in bed, but he was leaving me. My mom was leaving following me and I started a nasty divorce. Sorry, 

Rich Bennett 21:11
me. You're 

Mallory 21:13
I started a really nasty divorce that I was drugged in and at that time, my brother had already like moved out. My brother, my mom, and my parents relationship between my brother was so far gone, his dad 

was not really round, had multiple kids with another woman. He was really into drugs. My mom and him had a previous marriage that she had left and then my dad went to his three. And at 16, I remember them fighting. My brother was like, throwing things at my mom and finally he just moved out. 

Wendy Beck 21:50
He 

Mallory 21:51
just moved out. He got tired of it and just moved out at like 16 years old, and my mom never didn't see him for a long time after that. And he went in there. I'm experiencing this alone. It's me and my mom, and this big house they can't afford. 

Sometimes like, at this time, we're wondering whether or not we're gonna like, 

Wendy Beck 22:11
where are 

Mallory 22:11
live? 

Wendy Beck 22:11
we gonna 

Mallory 22:11
Where are we gonna get live? I've made friends at this point. So I don't want to go back to like, Finchruse County. So I make the decision and we move into a one bed room apartment with this guy and his roommate in a one bed room. 

Rich Bennett 22:28
Then you and your 

Mallory 22:29
mom, me and my mom, and then also my cousin moved in because he was with my 

Rich Bennett 22:33
five of you? 

Mallory 22:34
Yeah, 

Rich Bennett 22:35
in a one room 

Mallory 22:36
And a one bed room 

Rich Bennett 22:36
apartment. 

Mallory 22:36
apartment. 

Rich Bennett 22:37
Wow. 

Mallory 22:39
What 

Wendy Beck 22:40
were you thinking? Like, what okay, let's just like, you know, you're telling the story, but like, I know that this felt normal, but now you're not in a 

Mallory 22:50
I don't know if that 

Wendy Beck 22:51
Yeah, 

Mallory 22:51
moment. 

Wendy Beck 22:51
that would not feel 

Mallory 22:52
like, 

Wendy Beck 22:53
So 

Mallory 22:53
I think 

Wendy Beck 22:54
that I, to me, that would be really scary. 

Mallory 22:56
I don't know if I was scared. I just, 

I don't know what I was thinking at that moment. I know that I was hurt by my dad, even though I knew it was in his fall. I feel like I take on a lot of things and I want to fix a lot of things like, I remember like, when my parents were tight when I was really on, like, just trying to fix things and like, make it stop. 

And I think at that point, like, I don't, maybe like, numb because like, my solution at that point was, I was like, that's what I really started. And I started, like, not being able to, like, control my drinking in a sense, where, like, I was emotionally, like, just I had so much emotions. I didn't know how to like, address them, and I would just drink, and I would block out, like out of nowhere. And I feel like, oh man, I can't do that again. 

Wendy Beck 23:47
I mean, just alcohol was just accessible. 

Mallory 23:49
had, accessible, because I mean, I had that party, and I had an older boyfriend who had a truck, like, and that's very much where my feeling was so overwhelming that men became, like, my out, like, I didn't want to be at my house. I didn't want to be around, like, that. So it's my boyfriend, I want to car, and I don't think I was thinking like, oh, I need a guy 

Wendy Beck 24:12
Right, 

Mallory 24:12
with 

Wendy Beck 24:12
it just 

Mallory 24:13
a car with, with money. It just like, 

Rich Bennett 24:15
I. 

Mallory 24:17
found these guys that were interested in me. Warded those why. I'm sure their family knew like I'm a sweet girl but I was going 

Rich Bennett 24:26
to 

Mallory 24:26
hold bunch. Like every single boyfriend I've ever had their family were just amazing today and just like welcomed me and like wanted to like anything I needed bought my pump from dresses like that won't even mind like her third son's from because I never made it to prom but paid for my hair to get on like took me on vacation like my my life got flipped upside down at that point like before we were going on Disney trips and we were going to Bahamas in Mexico and at that point like my parents auctioned off their farm we had this nasty divorce. My brother wasn't around we were in a one bedroom apartment because my cousin had to be taken in for my mom because because his mom her sister was also unstable. I was living with my grandmother and he put his hand on my grandmother so like just just craziness around me and I'm just running and I think that's why I really always bring up the fact that my first year in middle school that I ran because after that point any time things got hard I just ran and I said screw it. I can't and I like want to you know I want to get outside of myself and I don't think I could I don't think I was emotionally mature enough to like address feelings. 

Wendy Beck 25:41
Definitely not. 

Mallory 25:42
Because they didn't have like emotionally mature parents 

Wendy Beck 25:44
Right 

Mallory 25:44
to begin 

Wendy Beck 25:44
you never 

Mallory 25:45
with. 

Wendy Beck 25:45
had any examples. 

Mallory 25:46
I wasn't emotionally mature probably until well into my sobriety like and still questioning myself on a regular basis because that I didn't have good examples. Who knows if they had good examples? 

Wendy Beck 25:59
Right. 

Mallory 25:59
There was gambling on my dad's side and and then my mom's dad is military. They were in the Philippines moved around like you know who knows like really and also talking about emotion being emotionally mature is also a new age thing and a privilege that we have today. 

Wendy Beck 26:21
Exactly. You're right about that. No one cared. No one cared what was happening to you. 

Mallory 26:26
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 26:26
You were doing... you 

Mallory 26:27
they 

Wendy Beck 26:28
know... I think 

Mallory 26:28
cared. They didn't know what to do with themselves. They were... 

Wendy Beck 26:32
They didn't know how to care themselves. 

Mallory 26:33
My mom lived in a wonder department with two men and two kids like and no job and she hadn't been worked her entire life. 

Wendy Beck 26:41
She 

Mallory 26:42
like 

Wendy Beck 26:42
was in some... 

Mallory 26:42
she was in survival mode. 

Wendy Beck 26:43
Surviving yeah. 

Mallory 26:45
Yeah. My my mom like went to college for like art and did some like fitness training when she was younger and met my dad from selling Coke before I was around and then like she got a real estate license to sell their old house to move to Sisk County and that was about 

Wendy Beck 27:05
it. Right. 

Mallory 27:06
She was in survival mode. And my dad like you know paid a child's for it and like if I ever need anything I could call him but like. 

Wendy Beck 27:14
But he didn't really know what you were what was going on 

Mallory 27:16
he 

Wendy Beck 27:16
and 

Mallory 27:16
didn't know what going on. He was an hour and half way and like I mean if I needed something I'd call him and he'd do it my dad for the he also he never remarried. He struggled like with substance use but like I'll show it off. Like I'll talk more about my dad but you know he had his own stuff but he was the best out of her. Like I know he was there. I know he loved me. 

Wendy Beck 27:43
Of course. 

Mallory 27:45
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 27:45
Well if he was hurting too and he he didn't 

Mallory 27:48
Turtray. 

Wendy Beck 27:48
he wasn't leaving you he was running from the situation. 

Mallory 27:51
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 27:51
And unfortunately he 

Mallory 27:53
didn't have the emotional 

Wendy Beck 27:54
tour 

Mallory 27:54
like 

Wendy Beck 27:55
capacity to 

Mallory 27:56
do 

Wendy Beck 27:59
that back 

Mallory 27:59
And he would he would have loved to have me come up with him but he I like me that decision like I made this decision because I had friends that 

Wendy Beck 28:07
then. Right. 

Mallory 28:08
are that point and I didn't want to like uproot my world again and I chose to stay you 

Wendy Beck 28:13
Well 

Mallory 28:13
know 

Wendy Beck 28:13
and I think 

Mallory 28:14
unstable. 

Wendy Beck 28:14
most teenagers would choose to stay where their friends are because their friends become their life. 

Rich Bennett 28:19
Yeah. 

Mallory 28:19
Yeah. So fast forward to patches that my first like blackout that I can remember at least. 

Rich Bennett 28:25
Over you this time. 

Mallory 28:26
Like 14-15 this is probably like not far after. We were in that one bedroom apartment. I start like drinking with this other boy who's also just had the really hard time you know. So just two troubled up the time which we didn't know until later on. yeah we start like chasing each other on like shots. I think I don't know because it's Jamison. Yeah it was like same pouch I say. 

Rich Bennett 28:58
And 

Mallory 28:58
Yep and I I think I drink like six shots in a row of Jamison at like age 14-15 and then like also we're drinking beer and like other things. So, immediately I brown out and I like shot down my entire party by throwing a huge ass. fit, like trying to fight another boy coming into the door that like I had talked to for a little bit. I'm at my boyfriend's house. I like grab a shirt as he's entering my house, like dropped my knee, a drop to my face. And I just remember being in it now. This whole thing. I remember my friend hiding. I'm screaming and and this is all learned behavior. Like, 

Wendy Beck 29:34
right? 

Mallory 29:35
I watched my family act like 

Wendy Beck 29:37
this right. 

Rich Bennett 29:38
Yeah. 

Mallory 29:39
and I don't have any control of my emotions or anything that's going on because I'm literally in a brown out. I didn't know what that was until later on in life. 

Wendy Beck 29:47
What 

Mallory 29:47
I'm 

Wendy Beck 29:47
is 

Mallory 29:47
not in a blackout. 

Wendy Beck 29:48
that? Like 

Mallory 29:49
I'm in a brown out where like I remember some of it, but 

Rich Bennett 29:52
almost 

Mallory 29:52
not all 

Rich Bennett 29:52
like 

Mallory 29:52
that I throw 

Rich Bennett 29:52
tunnel vision. 

Mallory 29:53
Yeah, I throw my phone into the woods. I remember that moment. This happened, I think for an hour or more. I remember getting slammed onto the ground by that time, and like held down because I think I was attacking him. 

Rich Bennett 30:06
It's like you're you're not unconscious, 

Mallory 30:11
not like 

Rich Bennett 30:11
but 

Mallory 30:11
completely 

Rich Bennett 30:11
you're 

Mallory 30:11
locked 

Rich Bennett 30:12
I'm 

Mallory 30:12
out. 

Rich Bennett 30:12
not 

Wendy Beck 30:12
either. 

Rich Bennett 30:13
completely 

Wendy Beck 30:13
Right. 

Rich Bennett 30:13
there 

Wendy Beck 30:14
Yes. 

Mallory 30:14
guy? 

Rich Bennett 30:14
Where's 

Mallory 30:14
I 

Rich Bennett 30:14
a black 

Mallory 30:15
have memories, but not all 

Wendy Beck 30:17
right. And 

Mallory 30:18
then at some point, I get transported to like my boyfriend's mom's house, I get put into a guest bed, because this guy that I'm going to a really good guy to be honest. And I try to get up to go get sick. Don't remember any of this pass out my hat and wake up the entire house. And then I'm in my in the bed, the guest bed with the fan running, and his mom's like asking questions to step to ask me question and they're like, did you, did you drive and I'm like, My poor boy friends like try to lie like, no, I didn't drive. And I'm like, yes, you did. I get drove home in the front seat with a bucket in between my legs and my mom's solution. My, my consequences were to sleep it out. And I think again, like, I don't have consequences for my actions. I mean, where she going to ground me to 

Wendy Beck 31:06
right. 

Mallory 31:06
I don't have a bedroom there. I have, we're in a one bedroom apartment with two men. 

Wendy Beck 31:13
You slept on the couch. 

Mallory 31:14
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 31:18
So what 

Mallory 31:19
let me fast forward a lot. 

Wendy Beck 31:21
Turning point here. 

Mallory 31:23
Sorry. 

Wendy Beck 31:23
Oh, you're fine. I'm I'm just 

Mallory 31:25
because 

Wendy Beck 31:25
curious 

Mallory 31:25
you're learning one. 

Wendy Beck 31:29
It's the bad part's not over. 

Mallory 31:31
Oh, it's definitely not over. I mean, this is I drink and smoke weed. I don't get exposed to opinions until a little bit older, like I'm not like somebody who used to be at some high school and I know a lot of kids that did. I was around it. I was very naive. Like for some reason, even exposed to a lot of things, I have this like naïveness about me throughout my entire life. 

And turning point where I started using heavy drugs is that were you 

Wendy Beck 31:59
the 

Mallory 31:59
cause I continue my life like that in high school, dating different men and my quality of relationships get lower and lower and I'm exposed to abuse because naturally like I am statistic. So to stick when it comes to like yeah, I yeah, I create that I mean, it's best, but 

Wendy Beck 32:19
you're so young to for that. You know what I'm saying? Because 

Mallory 32:24
I didn't know like what? Like an abusive relationship. We're a healthy relationship looked like 

Rich Bennett 32:30
right? 

Mallory 32:31
I 

Rich Bennett 32:31
saw your parents going through it. 

Mallory 32:33
Yeah, like that was normal. That's really like What a healthy relationship looks 

Wendy Beck 32:38
right. 

Mallory 32:38
like. No one talked to me about me about sex. 

Wendy Beck 32:40
No one even. 

Mallory 32:41
No one talked to me about. 

Wendy Beck 32:42
Kind of picking the wrong guys. 

Mallory 32:44
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 32:45
Apparently cared. 

Mallory 32:47
Yeah. My mom's boyfriend that she cheated on my dad with that she later, we got a house in Port deposit. So that is something that changed. We got a house. And we that we rented in Port deposit and so I started going to parry bill at that point. I failed 10th grade three times from knock out of school and just skipping 

Rich Bennett 33:06
Wow. 

Mallory 33:07
and just smoking weed and drinking and my mom tries to reel in the rings that rains at some point and I bulk because at that point, I had no 

Wendy Beck 33:16
right, like right. 

Mallory 33:18
no supervision and it was not going to happen at like 1617 

Wendy Beck 33:22
No, 

Mallory 33:22
18 and then I I eventually was dating the sky. I was close to like 18 and I think my brother had come back at some point when we were living there. The guy that my mom was dating was the same age as my brother. So my brother's four years older than me he was around that age. So that was another part of it. 

Rich Bennett 33:47
Wow. 

Mallory 33:47
And I also never ever forgave my mom for that throughout this whole thing and I could not be around that man in the same room. I would scream in his face. 

Wendy Beck 33:59
The brother your brother. 

Mallory 34:01
No, 

Rich Bennett 34:02
no, the guy. 

Mallory 34:02
My mom's boyfriend. I never forgave him. Or my mom for that situation, and I could not be in the same room with him without like, screaming at him. 

Wendy Beck 34:12
Even though you 

Mallory 34:12
her. I 

Wendy Beck 34:12
guys live with 

Mallory 34:13
was like completely ignoring him, yeah, so I was like a problem at that point. Like my mom would probably be not happier, but like she didn't know that they'd do with me. I mean, I remember her going into the office, and like crying, and be like, I don't know I'm a loser. And I'm like, 

Wendy Beck 34:28
you created this. 

Mallory 34:29
I'm like, you created this. I'm also not sympathetic towards my mom whatsoever because I'm like, resentful, 

Rich Bennett 34:35
hmmm, 

Mallory 34:36
like deep-seated resent at that point. And I when she's like crying, I have no remorse for her. Not at all, 

Wendy Beck 34:45
mean, 

Mallory 34:45
to be honest. It's really sad and sick, and like, I 

Rich Bennett 34:48
just, 

Mallory 34:48
like, 

Wendy Beck 34:50
her. She 

Mallory 34:50
closed 

Wendy Beck 34:51
turned her back on 

Mallory 34:52
Mhmm. Low with her. And she chose her relationships over her child 

Rich Bennett 34:56
you. 

Mallory 34:57
right, every time. 

Wendy Beck 34:58
Mhmm. 

Mallory 34:59
Which is still, and it's used sometimes when I'm much older now. 

Wendy Beck 35:02
Yes. It definitely shows how 

our environment makes us who we are in a lot of ways. But that's not the person that I know today. 

Mallory 35:16
Yeah, and I try not to get too caught up in history because I think that it doesn't really matter where you're from or what you've gone through. It's 

Rich Bennett 35:24
where you're going. 

Mallory 35:26
Well, people of all walks of life become addicted to substances. 

Wendy Beck 35:31
Yes. 

Mallory 35:31
It's not matter. 

Wendy Beck 35:32
Yes, 

Mallory 35:33
That's like my story and it's, you know, mine alone. But like, I've heard people going through much worse things and not picked up a drug or drink to deal with 

Wendy Beck 35:42
right. 

Mallory 35:42
their problems. What I do think is that we kind of figure out ways whether healthy or unhealthy, whether that's drugs or not, drugs to deal with things. I think that we're getting better with providing outlets for people to explore healthy 

solutions. 

Rich Bennett 36:02
Mhmm. 

Wendy Beck 36:05
Yes, 

Mallory 36:06
like going back to like saying, like, you know, my parents' generation, like that wasn't something that was not and like, 

Wendy Beck 36:13
No, it was 

Mallory 36:13
get 

Wendy Beck 36:13
not. 

Mallory 36:14
up. not. Yeah. Yeah, 

Wendy Beck 36:15
It was 

Mallory 36:15
deal with your problems. Don't talk about things. 

Wendy Beck 36:18
Exactly. 

Mallory 36:19
So I think that we're providing that. But like, yeah, my story is unique in some ways and not unique. And it doesn't really matter where you come from. I was in treatment with somebody who was a doctor. So, and who knows which he went through, but I know that I'm not a doctor who 

Rich Bennett 36:35
doesn't have a fee. Does 

Mallory 36:37
Does 

Rich Bennett 36:37
not. 

Mallory 36:37
not. So anyway, I don't want to ever get caught up or like, maybe somebody will hear my story and and relate to it and know that they're not alone. And I think that's what the beauty is about telling stories is that something will resonate with somebody that. They'll be like, Oh, I thought I was wanted and I've been through that too. And now I can do those things, but also the same time so many might hear my story and think, oh, that's nothing like me and then use it to separate their self from it 

Rich Bennett 37:07
That's why 

Mallory 37:07
from 

Rich Bennett 37:07
we do 

Mallory 37:07
it. 

Rich Bennett 37:07
this and we have had people contact and said they 

Mallory 37:13
me 

Rich Bennett 37:13
first of my story and it has 

Mallory 37:16
and 

Rich Bennett 37:17
that's why we won't stop doing it. 

Mallory 37:19
Yeah, and I think it's going 

Rich Bennett 37:21
Yes. 

Mallory 37:21
to be really cool. I'm going to be really cool hearing a bunch of different stories because I think that they're going to be different. 

Wendy Beck 37:28
Right. Oh, 

Rich Bennett 37:29
Oh, 

Wendy Beck 37:29
absolutely. 

Rich Bennett 37:29
yeah. 

Mallory 37:30
But the turning point is, at 18, I moved out because my brother locked. I got locked into the bathroom and he was trying to like attack me for something. I don't know. And this is what I'm 18 to my brother's four years older than me. So he's in it all. He had come back at some point and I was like, I'm moving out. I'm leaving. I was with the guy who I didn't know at the time had a vicious opioid habit. He was selling weed because the more the older I got and the more I got immersed in like using marijuana and drinking. 

My relationships became tailored to that and I liked this guy but he was conveniently also sold weed. But also had a very vicious opioid habit that I didn't know about. His mom was a nurse who was with a guy that motorcycle seats, like cushioned 

Rich Bennett 38:36
made 

Mallory 38:36
motorcycle seats. 

And he had had used crack for many years and I was exposed to them period. So this guy was smoking crack and like cheating and I think she was kind of tired of it and not that she was innocent in this situation, but we moved everything up to Delaware one weekend when he was away. 

Rich Bennett 38:57
Wow. 

Mallory 38:57
and his mom who was on opiates then got on Suboxone and it left her son who got her scripts to sell to make the family money. A vicious like opioid habit with with no pills at that point. Just Suboxone. Um and I was 18 years old and 

Rich Bennett 39:18
I 

Mallory 39:18
was working. He was an LPN school. I was I got a job at a salon in Newark, Delaware. Um so I was the only one making money in that relationship and he was in LPN school but he had a card I didn't have a car. I didn't have my license until I was 18. I dropped out of school at this point. Um like right around that time I dropped 

Rich Bennett 39:36
the 

Mallory 39:37
out of 

Rich Bennett 39:37
school. 

Mallory 39:37
school. 

Rich Bennett 39:38
Moves. 

Mallory 39:38
Moves 

Rich Bennett 39:39
Yeah, and um 

Mallory 39:43
he exposed me now opiates. Like I didn't really like them at first. I remember them just being way too powerful for me. 

Rich Bennett 39:49
Mm-hmm. 

Mallory 39:50
And like getting immediately just you know that's not a good feeling. Um and then I would just kind of use like a little bit because I was paying for them. Um like tiny bits and one time we got robbed. He got robbed like our money got robbed and we had to get money from my mom to get home and then he stole his mom's credit card and we got back to Delaware and we went to Wilmington and he picked up this woman. And this is crazy to me. This is where I had the aha moment. I remember every detail of that story. Who did this woman? off the side of the streets of Wilmington Delaware and she got us heroin and we went back and we tried it and I got sick and I passed out and I woke up and I wanted more immediately and that was like that aha 

Rich Bennett 40:39
Wow. 

Mallory 40:39
moment and I never used heroin before. it and it's interesting because like I have this strong drive to do the right thing. This relationship was really toxic as you can imagine. 

Wendy Beck 40:52
Like 

Mallory 40:52
If I wouldn't pay for his OBS he'd make me walk to work so I'd have to like truck those snow, take the bus and 

Rich Bennett 40:59
damn

Mallory 40:59
and I'm super hyper independent. So like I did like um I was stuck in a situation I got a car and I'm immediately left the situation. I moved out with whatever could fit hands. We had a camera and back to my mom's house which also wasn't very healthy but there I was. 

Wendy Beck 41:14
Now you're addicted to heroin. 

Mallory 41:16
Interesting because I think because I was using so little of the I was not using much. I used with him for a year like on and off but wasn't physically dependent so I was able to I didn't ever experience wheelchair all that time right. But then I was like I this idea that I was different from other people, where I used it and I was like not addicted. 

Wendy Beck 41:41
Not having the same problems that other

Mallory 41:42
people are having. Yeah oh I just heroin and like opium it's like I don't really like I don't feel what I need to like do it or not deal it so I can put it down. I can you know pick it up. It doesn't matter to me. And then I met my older son's dad who had just gone out jail and he was selling marijuana naturally because I was still like those were my drugs of choice. I'll call marijuana. I'm like 18 going 19. I date this man for three months. He did not want he wanted nothing to do with me. I was seeking his attention. I really like to emotionally unavailable. I don't know. Something about him was really 

Wendy Beck 42:24
appealing. 

Mallory 42:24
Appealing even though you just got out of jail. 

Wendy Beck 42:27
And he didn't want you! 

Mallory 42:28
months and he didn't want me and he sold marijuana and I 

Wendy Beck 42:31
18 

Mallory 42:32
intentionally would chase him and like have him hang out with me to roll my ones just to like try to and then I yeah first night I hung out with him and I he finally like gave me a little attention. I like Kissed on and then he has a history of smoking crack from the age of 14 and he was sober like just smoking I say sober very loosely. You can't see my quotations but he was smoking weed and drinking but he wasn't doing that. He had just got out of jail and that night immediately like when we started like kissing he was like let's go get Coke and I was exposed to Coke for the first time and then quickly to crack. 

And then I was pregnant and he got arrested again for selling marijuana was in there for 18 months and that was the first time I went back to my dots house and my dad like you know took care of me while I was pregnant and 

Wendy Beck 43:34
were you using while you were pregnant? 

Mallory 43:36
No not really so I wasn't with him long I was I was with him for like maybe three or four months before I got pregnant and so I like had tried the coke that one time and maybe I did a little bit more. He was already physically abusive I think at that point but I can't remember we were on and off for so long and 

He was locked up and my dad was like supporting me and paying for my phone calls and I have a strong drive to do the right thing. So like, I didn't use it. It wasn't physically dependent on anything. I would come home occasionally. Like every once in a while and I would use like an opiate. I would run my friends that were like, 

Wendy Beck 44:20
why are you pregnant? 

Mallory 44:21
I was pregnant. So like, it wasn't physically dependent, but like I would do it occasionally when I was around it. I did smoke weed. I did smoke weed my first trimester a little bit because I was still I think, um, before I moved on to my dad's for like, I said at the time, nausea, which it helped. But yeah, no, I was not physically dependent on anything. And then I had my son a weekly healthy 18 pounds or eight, eight pounds four ounces. Um, yeah. 

Wendy Beck 44:59
You emotionally at this time. I mean, you've been through so much. Now you're you're going through this big, big change 

Mallory 45:06
and emotionally, 

Wendy Beck 45:06
yeah, because you're going to be a mom. 

Mallory 45:08
I wanted to be a mom. So that was a very intentional thing that we played a part in, like we knew what we were doing. 

Wendy Beck 45:14
What do you mean? Use having unprotected sex. 

Mallory 45:17
No, like 

Wendy Beck 45:18
you were trying to get pregnant. 

Mallory 45:19
Yes. 

Wendy Beck 45:19
This person. 

Mallory 45:20
With this person. So emotionally, that's just imagine I was trying to have or trying to have a baby with a meal that just got a jail so. 

Wendy Beck 45:29
And he was in agreement 

Mallory 45:34
at the time. 

Wendy Beck 45:37
Yes, very much. Gosh, I don't 

Mallory 45:38
know at 18 90. 

Wendy Beck 45:40
Yeah, I was going to say that's that's very short sighted, I guess. I guess 

Mallory 45:43
short, sorry, 

Wendy Beck 45:45
like 

Mallory 45:45
yeah, I was in line with this man. And he was proud. Yeah, he was abusive at that point. I was totally infatuated by that relationship and suffered from Stockholm after the fact. 

Wendy Beck 45:57
Explain what is that. 

Mallory 45:59
So I didn't know what that was. 

Wendy Beck 46:00
Right. I. 

Mallory 46:00
I remember, 

Wendy Beck 46:01
I don't, I don't think I could tell somebody. 

Rich Bennett 46:03
I 

Mallory 46:03
remember his mom when I was like 18, 19 years old, being like, he was diagnosed narcissistic as a child. And I was like, I don't know that means. 

Wendy Beck 46:12
Right. 

Mallory 46:14
Like what? And, but so he was physically emotionally abusive to the point where like know, 

Wendy Beck 46:24
you 

Mallory 46:24
it was normal. No, it was normal for me. So normal, that like even now when I'm talking with a group of people that are in recovery, and I like bring up a story that like is it gets sparked my brain because they're talking about something. And I'm like, oh, yeah, he choked me against the wall and I fell out and then he kicked me. 

Rich Bennett 46:42
She, 

Mallory 46:42
And I say it very like funny. 

Wendy Beck 46:45
right. 

Mallory 46:45
This is what happened. They're like they look at me and they're like, no, that's not normal. But it was like my reality at the time. And yeah. And 

Wendy Beck 46:57
OK, 

Mallory 46:57
I mean, 

Wendy Beck 46:57
so you have this baby, 

Mallory 46:59
I would leave. So Stockholm is what I would leave this man. And then I would go back to him. 

Wendy Beck 47:04
OK. 

Mallory 47:04
I would leave the man knowing he was not good, and there was a abuse, but like he's so infatuated and like, so I'd go back to it. You go back to your user as like Stockholm, essentially, but it's I was textbook like dealing with an abusive relationship, and I didn't know that until much much later. 

So 

Wendy Beck 47:25
you so you had the baby. So

Mallory 47:27
I have the baby. Yeah. And he's still in jail at this point. Yeah, he gets home when the baby is eight months old. And my brain at that point because of naive is that I believe that I'm going to church at this point. I'm like, with my friend going to church, he's going to get out. He's going to like do the right thing. He's going to get a job like we're going to be a happy family. And he gets out first day, catch him on the phone, like talking to some girl. He started selling heroin. And yeah. 

There goes from there. The first day 

Wendy Beck 48:10
that back up again. 

Mallory 48:12
Yeah. So that's how I got back into it after eight months old. I don't think it took me long. I think I was so emotionally like, I can't believe my world is shattering and like all my hopes and dreams are now ruined. I drug. I drug. I'm the church. You 

know, it's 

Wendy Beck 48:47
that the sad part is is that you did not have any role models 

Rich Bennett 48:50
teach 

Wendy Beck 48:51
to 

Mallory 48:51
you. 

Wendy Beck 48:55
But anyway, so you have I mean I 

Mallory 48:57
I pick up and I start using and I'm like 

Rich Bennett 49:00
know 

Mallory 49:01
I'm just like, you know, it just give me a little bit of it because like I'm like, this will make me feel better for now and I'm not me as a good. So I have that mindset of like, oh, I can pick it up, I can put it down. I'm not like the other people. 

Wendy Beck 49:24
Yeah, the 

Mallory 49:26
that I 

Rich Bennett 49:26
one 

Mallory 49:26
live in when I came back and lived in my mom after that last relationship I left before I met. John, when I was 18 years old, my friend lost her job and she was 

Rich Bennett 49:35
pretty addicted 

Mallory 49:36
to opiates but again I didn't know. And I started dancing when I came back 

Rich Bennett 49:43
her 

Mallory 49:44
when I came back and lived in my mom after that last relationship I left before I met John or like around time 

Wendy Beck 49:49
John. 

Mallory 49:49
I 

Wendy Beck 49:49
You 

Mallory 49:49
met 

Wendy Beck 49:49
became a ballet dancer? I 

Mallory 49:51
started dancing at the strip club. 

Rich Bennett 49:53
Did you say a ballet dancer? 

Wendy Beck 49:55
She was on Broadway. 

Mallory 49:57
But at the time, it was like a fun thing to do because I was just, 

Rich Bennett 50:02
I just 

Mallory 50:03
loved doing 

Wendy Beck 50:05
the 

Mallory 50:05
tension. I love to do wild things. 

Rich Bennett 50:08
Good money. 

Mallory 50:09
I wasn't really making that. I was a 

Rich Bennett 50:10
Really? 

Mallory 50:10
terrible stripper at first. Rich, I'll tell you that. I didn't really like. I really like the men. So I would go and like drink alcohol beforehand. And like, you know, I'd dance in the stage a little bit. Maybe eat some food there and like make a little bit of money, but I wasn't really doing a lot of laps dancing stuff. I didn't really like it. So I would go sometimes, not because sometimes she was there though because that was how she was paying for her bills. 

Rich Bennett 50:33
And 

Mallory 50:33
so I'd pop an occasional name. And then when I got pregnant, I stopped. And then when I came back and I was back in this really abusive relationship with a man who was selling drugs and I had a son I wanted to not, I didn't want to do that. I've always been really good with kids. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I loved my son so much. And as much as the crap I went through, I will say that I think for the most part, I did a really good damn job and never lost. I'm not going to say the numbers because that doesn't matter. And I don't want to compare myself to somebody who might 

Wendy Beck 51:06
Exactly. 

Mallory 51:06
have thought through those experiences, but I think I did a... 

Wendy Beck 51:09
You held it together. 

Mallory 51:10
I held it together as much as I could. And sometimes it wasn't that great. 

Wendy Beck 51:14
Right. 

Well, there had to be a breaking point 

Mallory 51:19
I 

Wendy Beck 51:19
because... 

Mallory 51:19
started dancing and I was physically dependent at that point. And my son's father was selling drugs so much that I don't know if I've ever even told you that. So he started transporting drugs across the line. He got holdover several times. 

Wendy Beck 51:42
And you're living 

Mallory 51:42
from the... On and off. I'm going back to my mom's. I'm coming back because I have Stockholm. And also I'm physically dependent at this point on opioids and he is my supplier. 

Wendy Beck 51:52
today 

Mallory 51:54
And he's cheating on me and hitting me and we get a dog at one point he's abusing the dog. I let the dog out. I just thought about the silver degree. Because I just got a puppy actually. And just like... 

Wendy Beck 52:07
Just to say run free. 

Mallory 52:09
Yeah, I was like, because he was trying to take it away from me and my son and like... I'm trying to like love this puppy and I'm like thinking again, like I have this like rose colored glasses on. Like oh, it's going to be perfect. And he's like, chaining it up and trying to get it to be mean. And I was like, oh, no. Like we're going to save this puppy. Like I got like this puppy out of here. 

And anyway. He starts transferring drugs back and forth and he gets pulled over a few times. I like make this suggestion that he needs to have somebody like Ron it for him. He's going over like from Maryland to Philadelphia, so going through Delaware. Um, and there's like a whole like investigation. 

Rich Bennett 52:52
I 

Mallory 52:52
Like 

Rich Bennett 52:52
was saved. 

Mallory 52:53
going 

Rich Bennett 52:53
on, then a 

Mallory 52:54
fence. 

Rich Bennett 52:54
federal 

Mallory 52:54
Yeah, he was. So he was arrested three different times before he finally got arrested. And I was. 

And it was by the same unit. It was like a Maryland guns task 

Rich Bennett 53:06
Yeah. 

Mallory 53:06
force unit. Um, they got to know us really well. And he was like paranoid. I was falling on and we thought that if he was. He was again smoking crack his drug of choice is crack. And he gets really crazy and loses everything very quickly from doing cocaine. And, um, yeah, and so. The last time I bailed 'em out, the police tried to stop me while I was going to the bailsbin, bails bonbon, and they threatened the bails bonbon, that, that money that they took was drug money, and they have the police on camera saying, like, "If you don't revoke this bail, we're gonna lock you up," and they're like, "She's a stripper. What do you mean?" Like, this is her money, and like, so, they wanted him so bad that they were willing to go to, like, any leg, they didn't want him out. 

Rich Bennett 54:00
Like, they, so 

Mallory 54:01
done with his crap, and he was like, a menace. He had guns, like, unmarked guns. His first charge was, with his friends, who stole and tire, like, house full of guns and a truck, and that was like his first, like, real time as an adult, so, like, he's not a lot of have guns, like, he's a fellow, and, like, they don't want them there, they don't want them around, and, uhm, yeah, so what happened? I'm dancing, I don't really have to, because he's making a whole lot of money, so I get to, like, kind of be home, under the influence of my son, like, and, uhm, and I will share, when I was, when he was still home, I was getting ready for a Christmas party, that's for my family. And this is like one of those moments where I just, like, my good enough was not enough, and my son, like, a year old, got a, got a, 30, so I would use caravan. But he was out, and we had to go down the DC area to, like, go to this Christmas party, so he runs somewhere and gets, like, these pills, they're, like, little blue pills, there's the, they're opiates. 

Rich Bennett 55:11
Right. 

Mallory 55:12
They're, they're 30s. And my son gets a 30, and eats it, 

Rich Bennett 55:15
and- Oh, shit. 

Mallory 55:16
>> Starts crying. And I turn around, like, I'm in the same room, and he just reached up on the table, and got it as a normal toddler, one year old dies. And I turn around, and I see it, like, spinning out at his mouth, and I, like, throw my finger back there, my son's father runs, and he's, like, what are you doing? And I'm, like, he's eight at 30, and he's, like, just, wait, just see what he does, and my son, like, starts, like, found something else, and he's, like, happy, and then he starts, like, he, my son's father's, like, let's go get him, he's gonna eat. Give him something in the stomach. And, so we go to, like, the local, I don't know, fast food place, and we try to get him something to eat, and he starts throwing up, so then he's, like, starts yelling at me, he's the kid I'm last, well, now, I'm thinking I'm gonna lose my kid, as I should at that point. 

And the thing is about me is that I look innocent, and I talk my way out of everything. I talk my way out of every situation that we ever had with the police that he was in trouble. I talked my way out of my son eating a 30 milligram opiate at one year old, and they, they 

Wendy Beck 56:25
believed you? What did you say? 

Mallory 56:27
They said this happens all the time. 

Rich Bennett 56:30
What? 

Mallory 56:31
People, kids get into things all the time. I'm 

Wendy Beck 56:33
a pompous stomach. No. 

Mallory 56:35
No. So they bring them in. And I tell them that he ate a prescription 

Rich Bennett 56:40
of, 

Mallory 56:41
of, um, percussive fives, because he, my son's father had just had, like, some kind of surgery that he had gotten percussive fives. So I was like, You know, I was quick on my fat. He, I'm really smart. I'm not not smart. Like, we are smart people. So I tell them this, and they're more worried about the tunnel, than they are the opiate, and they're like, we're just gonna monitor them for hours, and he starts like going in and out, and they're like, okay, we're going to give them Narcan. This is before Narcan is like 

Rich Bennett 57:07
wow. 

Mallory 57:07
readily available, right? I'm, 

Rich Bennett 57:09
Here's old. 

Mallory 57:09
I'm. One year short. So this is probably back in 2012. So like, probably a year before I get sober, like a 2011, 2012, probably. Um, they give them, they're like, it won't bother him, because, and I don't even know what Narcan is at this time, because it wasn't on the streets. Um, and they're like, yeah, we're gonna give them this. It's not gonna bother him. They give it to him. He's pissed. He's pissed because it, I mean, immediately takes the opiate off of yours. 

Wendy Beck 57:37
The baby's pissed. 

Mallory 57:38
My son was mad. 

Rich Bennett 57:40
Oh, 

Mallory 57:41
He's, and withdrawal. He's in participative withdrawal. Um, or just, I'm sure it doesn't feel comfortable. I don't know. He wasn't actively using. So, 

Rich Bennett 57:48
uh, 

Mallory 57:49
um, 

Wendy Beck 57:49
fitting. 

Mallory 57:50
yeah, I mean, I never had DSS come out, never had any like welfare check, 

Rich Bennett 57:56
nothing. Wow, 

Mallory 57:57
nothing. I talked my way out of that. That is crazy to 

Rich Bennett 58:00
think. 

Mallory 58:00
me. When I 

Rich Bennett 58:01
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 58:01
Was that a reality check for you? 

Mallory 58:03
No, I mean, I was scary for me. Don't get me wrong. And I think I thought about it and I was like, Oh, man, but I didn't stop doing what I'm doing. I mean, I couldn't stop what I was doing. 

Rich Bennett 58:13
If they would have came, man, it'd probably would have been a way though. 

Mallory 58:16
Probably I would hope. 

Rich Bennett 58:17
Yeah. 

Mallory 58:18
Um, I mean, they did come out again. There was none other time. So I, when I would go to work, if I went to work at Mr. Pug. Um, my son's father's mom, and he was selling drugs with him in his hands, apparently, like, having people... He would, in the middle of writing a son, start trapping, like, uh, middle income family, neighborhood, like, having cars in and out, and they already knew him. He's been arrested multiple times for selling drugs in that neighborhood. 

Rich Bennett 58:53
He would... wow. 

Mallory 58:54
He would not care. He had my son right on his hat, and they came out, and they were like, "This is what 

Rich Bennett 59:00
you... Again, 

Mallory 59:01
they look at me. I don't know what I look like at this point, but I'm sure I don't look healthy, 

Rich Bennett 59:07
Right."

Mallory 59:08
and they look at me, and they go, "You can't let him hop him by himself. You can have him." But you can't leave him with, with your son's father, and they make me sign this, like, agreement, and they never once think, "Let's check her."

Wendy Beck 59:24
Because they were trying to get him so bad that they just were trying to keep the situation under control. 

Mallory 59:32
Because they were not arrested, his dad's so bad that, um, they put the welfare of the child, and... I don't know. I mean, maybe, who knows? 

Wendy Beck 59:41
I don't know, we're just speculating at this

Mallory 59:43
point. So let me start getting into, like, him going away, and then actually, like, me getting sober, so how they finally like get him. I put my car in. He doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a license. I don't get my license. So I was 18. I got it in dollars when I lived there. I didn't have a gd at the time. That's relevant later, once I get sober. Um, yeah, so I put my car into a mechanic. My dad's like, "What has taken so long to get your oil changed?" And I was like, "I don't know." I'm like, "I'm high, so I'm not paying attention." We got a house at this point. We're living off route one. We're not living in Spam anymore. Um, somebody had just tried to kick down his door in the middle of the night where I had just got him from work, and I threatened to call the by these people were like, trying to kick down the door, trying to get in to like steal drugs and money and I'm terrified. And I call the police, and I remember, "So anyway, I call the police that night." And they like patronize me, um, but they go away, I think, with us. They didn't break into the door, but they were literally one kick away from getting into that house and I don't know what they would have done to My son or him, um, and we moved back into his mom's house. But my car's in the shop, and I didn't know this son, but they're putting a GPS in my car, um, to follow us. And we're in at a hotel when he's, if I want to see him, he's at a hotel selling drug. So if I want to see him, I'm in a hotel essentially and I pick him up one night, I have my son in the car. They pulled us over, they had a warrant for his mom's house, the hotel room and my car. And they like simultaneously kicked down all the doors, because ... They were pulling him over here and there, but 

Rich Bennett 1:01:29
Yeah. 

Mallory 1:01:29
they couldn't get any of it. And they still didn't get any of the stuff, because he was really good at hiding things. I don't want to, like, praise him in any way, 

Rich Bennett 1:01:37
Right. 

Mallory 1:01:37
because he was terrible and not a really great person, but he was really good at hiding things. He had everything upstairs in his mom's house. And she didn't know where it was. She was older. She was like, in her, she's passed away now. She was like in her eighties. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:49
Damn. 

Mallory 1:01:51
And, yeah, so he, but they found a knife, they found some drugs in the hotel room. A gun. They'd have my mom get my son. They bring me down for questioning. They're like, "Why were you in a field at, like, four a. m., they like have this GPS in my car?" And I'm like, "I don't know." He probably had it in there. I'm not going to go into that story. But anyway. And then he was involved. They, like, so he was state, but he was transferred to FEDS. And I'm just going to say that since this is not a mess, I got him to agree to, like, cooperate. I was like, if you don't do this, you're never going to see your son again. And so he cooperates, and gets taken out of jail and comes and sees me, and, at a custody, that's like one of his, like, request. And then another time, I had to meet federal agents in Delaware, because he wanted to see us again, before he gets strapped up and then, like, taken to this, to the mall, actually, the Christianity mall. And he was part of that. And I get to see him, like, and then I'm left alone. After that, he's back in jail. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:06
He's 

Wendy Beck 1:03:06
not coming out. 

Mallory 1:03:07
Yeah, he's not coming out for, he's in the federal prison system for five years, at least. 

Wendy Beck 1:03:12
At that time. Yeah. 

Mallory 1:03:13
So he got transferred, like, from South Carolina to Florida to PA back around, that you don't keep him still in federal prison. Yeah, they don't keep him still. He was like, I've bounced around all over the 

Wendy Beck 1:03:25
Why 

Mallory 1:03:25
place. 

Wendy Beck 1:03:25
is that? 

Mallory 1:03:28
Probably. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:28
I think a lot of it's got to- I don't know if it's true or not. 

How does it start? Maybe it's about what we thought to, but the hell, 

it's very, 

Mallory 1:03:41
very, 

Wendy Beck 1:03:42
okay. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:43
So, that may be why, because if you don't 

Mallory 1:03:46
Maybe. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:46
have... Yeah. If you don't, if you're being moved around, you can't keep 

Wendy Beck 1:03:53
Right, 

Rich Bennett 1:03:53
the-

Wendy Beck 1:03:53
gotcha. Okay, that makes sense. or- 

Mallory 1:03:55
So, 

Wendy Beck 1:03:58
let's talk about your recovery. 

Mallory 1:04:00
Yes, 

Wendy Beck 1:04:01
*laughs* So, 

Mallory 1:04:02
I started using- or keep using for a year and, uhm, just being terrible, but so, what happened and how I got sober was- I had no plans getting sober. I was- I had a wee amines of, like, paying 

four drugs, like, and I wasn't trying to get sober and plan on getting sober, um, which is like a whole another thing that I would love to dive deeper into, oh my story's too long. Um, my mom kept calling the cops on me, like the last few, after he got arrested, I- It was put in the paper, so my mom knew I was- my mom knew I was using something, but she didn't know what it was. 

Rich Bennett 1:04:39
Right. 

Mallory 1:04:39
when 

Rich Bennett 1:04:39
And 

Mallory 1:04:40
he was 

Rich Bennett 1:04:41
paper, 

Mallory 1:04:41
put in the 

Rich Bennett 1:04:42
there's 

Mallory 1:04:42
There's 

Rich Bennett 1:04:42
a 

Mallory 1:04:42
a rest. It's a heroin. 

Rich Bennett 1:04:44
rest. 

Mallory 1:04:45
Big. So, she was like, oh, she's doing heroin and, you know, drugs and alcohol were, like, nothing new to my family, but, like, heroin, that's, like, 

Wendy Beck 1:04:53
bad. 

Rich Bennett 1:04:54
That's different. 

Mallory 1:04:54
That's bad. Like, we used cocaine in the 80s, like, that's not heroin. Um, and so my mom was like, trying to get me treatment. I went to a suboxone doctor, like, right when he got arrested and my parents, I had great insurance, my dad was in the elevator union. They drew me up to, at this time, there was like only two options for where I was in Cecilia County, there was Baltimore or PA somewhere, an hour PA. So we drive up to PA, because my dad's, like, I'm not taking her to Baltimore. He had already taken some of my cousins down to Baltimore to get scrocks, and back in the day, because my family is rapid with drug use, and he was, like, I'm not doing that. Not my daughter. Um, I get in there. I get my first script, I tell them, I'm using, and then, um, 

I like bulk on the idea of treatment, and was like, this is what I'll do. And, um, the second time I went, I had to do a screening, and I couldn't pee. Um, and I tried to get my son to pee, I had to come a diaper into a cub, and then they called me and they're like, I'd finally just pee in the cup, and they're like, "Sorry, you can't come back." Which was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could shout at the program, and then I continued to use for a year, and then my mom kept the cops on me just like, 'cause we getting a fight, and then not like physically, sometimes physically, I guess. Um, and, um, finally I was like, "If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to kill myself." And the cops that arrested me that time for disorderly, brought me to the station, released me on my own, recognites, and told my mom that she could take that text message and get an emergency petition against my will, which is not easy to 

Rich Bennett 1:06:34
do. Wow. 

Mallory 1:06:35
Like a lot of families, I, I, I'm super resisted on telling families this because to do that is really hard to do, and then for someone to keep you after you're in the ED, and you're not actually actively suicidal, is like impossible. 

Rich Bennett 1:06:50
Right. 

Mallory 1:06:50
So this is like a dang miracle that has happened this way. Um, 

Wendy Beck 1:06:55
Yes, they don't keep you. 

Mallory 1:06:57
Yeah, I wasn't actively suicidal, it was a threat, there was no active plan. Um, it was just to try to get my parents off my back. Um, and I get in that ED, and that nurse is like, "Uh, while you have opiates in your system, so you can either sign yourself in, or I'm gonna check you in, it's a holiday weekend, I suggest you sign yourself in, so I sign myself in, and I'm like, I'm gonna talk my way out of this. I thought I was gonna talk my way out of it when the police picked me up from my room that morning, but I there were drugs around me, so I was like, this isn't a good time, I grabbed my purse with my suboxin in it because I was buying suboxin off the street just in case I needed it, but every day it was like a brown-hung day where I was like, I'm gonna take it today, and then I'm not gonna take it. I'm just gonna use, I'll, I'll take it tomorrow," and it was like that for a year after I got active of the suboxin program, and I get signed into that psych ward, and um, they were like looking for treatment, I had great insurance, it was between Brandywine, which isn't like PA, or Ashley, I don't know anything about treatment, I was like, oh, this place looks nice, I wanna go there, um, and I gotta Ashley, I gotta Ashley from there, and I don't want to get sober, I try to break into the locked closet of the psych ward with my wire from my broad to get my suboxone because it was like a non-therapy, well I think they call it therapeutic withdrawal, which is like tile and 

Rich Bennett 1:08:24
all, and um that, wow! 

Mallory 1:08:25
..they 

Wendy Beck 1:08:27
don't even let you have your bra with a wire in it anymore, I don't 

Mallory 1:08:31
I 

Wendy Beck 1:08:31
think. 

Mallory 1:08:31
don't think it was supposed to get past security, but like I literally ripped out my wire in my bra and I was watching the globe and there was like the nursing station and I'm like trying to pick this lock, but it was like a double lock, and I couldn't get in cuz I was trying to get my suboxon so bad I was just in full blown withdrawal. And like there. I remember like trying to get something you know, for my withdrawal sometimes to feel comfortable and I like got some sleep medication that was heavily over, over prescribed, but I mean, it was me. It was me not anybody else, but that was my experience there. And then finally on the third day, I was like using straight oboe resistance back in like 2013, so like that and all this just hitting the streets, I 

Rich Bennett 1:09:18
for my, yeah, 

Mallory 1:09:18
remember, I'll tell you later when I get sober, but yeah, so 

Wendy Beck 1:09:24
where's the 

Mallory 1:09:26
And so my mom is an 

Rich Bennett 1:09:28
child? 

Mallory 1:09:28
ingredients of like having my son during this. And so basically, in that psych ward, I had, I was the first person to get a family peer like a peer that came in from the health department, at the time, actually, this is like when peers were hot. Like just , we're not even hot, they were just, they were just like hitting the health department, yeah, and they like came in and they're like, do you care, they're like, we're trying to get you out of here. Do you care if you know we talk to you and your parents? And I'm like, no, like that's great, like get me out of here. And then they come in and they're like, hey, like, we recommend like you go to treatment. And my mom's like treatment or custody of your kid. I'm like, well, I'm sober and often know that's not going to work for me, so I'm going to get a treatment and I agree to go to treatment. And I spend 30 days there. And I mean, I'll just say it all out. If you've ever been Ashley's freaking nice, I don't like to like name drop facilities, but I had really good endurance. Went to this facility and it was 12 stuff at the time with some spiritual components and every time I had any like, anytime I remove substances from my life, I like immediately am drawn to God, I'm super spiritual naturally. So that component there was really good for me and I was like talking to boys and I turned 23 treatment and I, yeah, I just like, it was nice there and I was okay with it. And I don't know if I want to get sober, but there is a girl that spoke She shared her story. And I was like, oh, wow, like, maybe I maybe I'd like to get sober. Maybe there's like a thought there like a 

Rich Bennett 1:11:13
right. 

Mallory 1:11:13
small plant right there. And then my insurance try to cut out in like two weeks in and they're like, oh, medically, she's like good to go she can go home and Ashley was like, no, 

Rich Bennett 1:11:25
Wow. 

Mallory 1:11:25
she can't go home. So they negotiated with my insurance company, they scholarshiped my bed and my insurance company agreed to pay for my like my medical part of the treatment for the rest of the two weeks. Then the only recommendation they made for me was one treatment this or one half way house in Bel Air at the time and it was homecoming. 

Rich Bennett 1:11:46
Hmm, 

Mallory 1:11:46
projects. That's the at that time there wasn't really 

Wendy Beck 1:11:50
anything 

Mallory 1:11:51
anything else, 

Rich Bennett 1:11:52
but 

Mallory 1:11:52
there was like other places 

Wendy Beck 1:11:53
that wasn't good, 

Mallory 1:11:55
there was other places other, you know, other houses, other places. But was, actually, they weren't strict. I think they intentionally wanted me to go the strictest place there was and so they gave me. I'm coming and I went in that interview and I don't know if I want 

Rich Bennett 1:12:12
there 

Mallory 1:12:12
to do a half way house, but I 

Rich Bennett 1:12:13
was like, 

Mallory 1:12:13
I was. I was. I started to be honest, like a little bit honest enough that it got me to the next step. 

Rich Bennett 1:12:19
hmm, 

Mallory 1:12:20
And I was just like, yeah, if I go home like, I could probably stay sober for a day or you know, maybe a mom, maybe 

Rich Bennett 1:12:25
I 

Mallory 1:12:26
a year, 

Rich Bennett 1:12:26
was 

Mallory 1:12:26
but like, eventually I'll probably 

Rich Bennett 1:12:27
like, 

Mallory 1:12:27
use the gun if I go home. So I'm like willing to try this and they accepted me. And I was entitled. I think I was entitled because of my experiences with, I was, my dad's only child. I was dancing and I was getting things handed to me. I didn't really like have when it comes to that stuff, like when it comes to like using and like withdrawal. I had it pretty easy. 

Wendy Beck 1:12:55
It was easy for you to get what you wanted and what you needed. 

Mallory 1:12:58
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:12:58
For whole life, 

Mallory 1:12:59
my whole life, like I was kind of given that so I was really entitled and they were like, we're like, don't even come to this office and talk to us. And that is exactly like. So I think that any place that really specializes their treatment per person is really important because what worked for me, like I know for a fact, there's a girl in there that I went through the house with that she was ignored by the people like. She would have laughed. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:25
Yeah. 

Mallory 1:13:25
But like for me, that worked really well. Like I institutionalized really well. I want to do the right thing. I want to be the best I would ever I do. So like them not getting me the tension that I wanted. I was like, excuse me. And like, I'll show you. I ended up being the senior resident for like the majority of the time I wasn't doing everything right. But like I was doing that house for what they saw 

Rich Bennett 1:13:48
Yeah. 

Mallory 1:13:48
was right. And I just like just took basic suggestions. I got a sponsor. They did 12 steps as well. I got a sponsor. Got a home group. My home group was based on the guy that I liked that I worked with at Boston Market at the time. 

But whatever whatever just keeps it there. And yeah, I just was doing the thing. My mom had had my son. And then like I guess six months in she started getting like released early. And so she started like calling my work and showing up to the house like outside of visiting hours. And I thought that she was going to try to fight me for custody. And so this is like my first I guess turbulence in my 

Rich Bennett 1:14:35
like, 

Mallory 1:14:35
recovery. My mom's not really always well. Like my mom's. She she does the best that she can, but in that situation. Very early on people were that dynamic isn't isn't right. 

Rich Bennett 1:14:53
like, 

Mallory 1:14:53
My mom also left her ex at some point when I was using and dancing and stuff and drove me to the strip club. But this is how I got back

Rich Bennett 1:15:03
in the 

Mallory 1:15:03
This is because 

Rich Bennett 1:15:03
street. 

Mallory 1:15:03
she left this guy because he cheered on her. And she couldn't pay her rent. And my mom started driving me up there. So I could pay her rent. So I could live with her. So like our dynamic is really 

Wendy Beck 1:15:15
toxic 

Mallory 1:15:15
toxic. And like sometimes, I'm not doing well, she's there for me. But if I'm doing too good, it's not good either because 

Rich Bennett 1:15:24
if 

Mallory 1:15:24
that I'm not like fitting into this mold that she needs me to. So at some point when I was at home coming, it wasn't good. And 

one night, I was maybe eight months, nine months sober. was like calling my work. And I was like, if I don't go get my son tonight, I'm leaving. And when we the program manager at the time was like, we'll go get him. She's like, just go in, got him. I had custody of him. Never lost custody of him. And then get him, get him the car. Don't, don't fight. Don't take anything. Just just real quick. Get him. And I was leaving my mom is like, well, when you're going to bring him back. I have poured him on day. This was like a Friday or Saturday 

Wendy Beck 1:16:05
She 

Mallory 1:16:05
for custody on the literally the next business day. that. 

Wendy Beck 1:16:11
She was going to do 

Mallory 1:16:12
She was getting everything sent to her house, because that was my last known address. And my son's father is in jail. So I would have lost custody at that point. And I don't know if I would have ever gotten back my mom just tenacious, she's 

Rich Bennett 1:16:24
damn 

Mallory 1:16:25
So I don't know. And I was mad. Naturally. So my son lived. This doesn't really happen. I'm making my son lived with me for like a month or two while I was there. They they went and got him clothes. They want him to bust like food. I like use my savings that I had saved up there to like pay for take care of our work and then like they transition me out early, so no one ever really gets out of home coming like 

Rich Bennett 1:16:47
dead 

Mallory 1:16:48
before a year. I got out at. I think I do 10 months and 11 months over. So I was before a year. I got out of there. And that's a long halfway house done. But like it was so needed for me. 

Rich Bennett 1:17:00
dead. 

Mallory 1:17:00
So needed for me. Like for in comparison to someplace says like that is 

Wendy Beck 1:17:04
at that time. We're finding now that it's more beneficial to the individual if they do stick it out long. 

Mallory 1:17:11
Yeah, it is so much beneficial. Like so more. More beneficial to the person because 

Wendy Beck 1:17:17
you need that 

Mallory 1:17:18
even that time. I still like I had all the concepts, but I did not know how to put into practice. So I get out of that house. I'm 23 or so, maybe I was turning 24 I got so I have like 11 months over I've you know been in a halfway house been in a routine for an entire year. And I'm like everything they said. I don't need really any of it. I don't really have to go to meetings. I don't really I'm with this guy that I was talking to while I was there. I partner up with this guy that was also in a halfway else. He's been in an out of treatment 

Wendy Beck 1:17:51
and do I know who this is. 

Mallory 1:17:53
No, you probably don't actually because he went through another house in the area that's similar to that program. And he this was in his first studio. And he naturally was abusive. Kind of not as bad as John. He was abusive. I should justify it. But he wasn't as bad as previous partners. He immediately was like you don't have to tell your sponsor that you don't have to do this. And I was like, Oh I don't. He was like, "If we got in a fight, he was like, "You don't have to tell your snuff through that." And I was like, "I kind of believed it." I'm like, naïve for some reason, like, it just believed this man." 

And he started drinking really early on, like, he left his commitment, he was a house manager, he left his commitment early, moved in with me, and like, started drinking like three months in, and I stayed sober through that first, like, tumultuous situation. 

I like, I like left my house, he lived in my house that I got from him coming. I called my landlord, and I was like, "Hey." 'Cause she knew he lived with me, and I was like, "Hey, like this guy is drinking, she, like, knew my whole story, new situation, and she, she helped me, like, get them out of there, and then I went back, and then I, you know, got back into another relationship, and um, was with that guy for a while, but he wasn't abusive, but he was just, I was told by the founder of Homecoming that I shouldn't be for seven years, and I wish I would have listened to her, 

Rich Bennett 1:19:22
because I- Seven years? 

Mallory 1:19:23
Yeah, because I had so much stuff that I didn't work on, and I don't think that's just for everybody, but like, it's funny looking back and I might have, I might have prolonged the situation by dating people. But like, at seven years, I finally had, like, gotten rid of, like, a lot of the stuff that I was bringing into those relationships too. 

Wendy Beck 1:19:45
Like 

Mallory 1:19:46
I wasn't honest at any of my relationships, because as a single mom, 10 months over, with no GDP, working part-time, while I had my son during the day, 'cause he wasn't in school. I hit up guys that, well, one particular guy that I had prostituted myself with in Philadelphia, who isn't like finance or something, has a family and kids. 

And I continued to prostitute myself sober up until 

seven years, five years into my, my sobriety, because I couldn't make it, I couldn't make ends meet. learning. 

Wendy Beck 1:20:28
Well, that was your 

Mallory 1:20:31
Yeah, sorry, it makes me 

Wendy Beck 1:20:33
It's 

Mallory 1:20:33
emotional. 

Wendy Beck 1:20:33
okay, and it is emotional, it makes me emotional for you, 

Mallory 1:20:36
You know that though, 

Wendy Beck 1:20:37
yes. 

Mallory 1:20:37
yeah, okay. 

Wendy Beck 1:20:38
And that, you know what? That's okay. 

Mallory 1:20:41
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:20:41
It's 

Mallory 1:20:42
past. 

Wendy Beck 1:20:42
in the It's a part of your story, 

Mallory 1:20:45
not-- 

Wendy Beck 1:20:45
but that's 

Mallory 1:20:45
And I didn't work so hard. Yeah, and I know that, and I've worked a lot through it, but how it came out is like I was in a relationship with my younger son's father. And like, I wanted so badly for that relationship to be good. 

And I was, I worked really hard, like I work two jobs best of time. I tried it like, when I was like, okay, I would try to like not reach out to that guy. I had blocked him at times, and he would call me from his office phone. And I was scared and I didn't tell anybody. 

And until my counselor that I met with, I still moved with her. I met with her starting really early on after I got at home coming after I got me stuffed together, and I realized that half of things, that most of things, all the things that homecoming said were really important, and I started to really take my sobriety serious. 

Wendy Beck 1:21:48
Because going back felt worse than staying there. 

Mallory 1:21:52
Yeah, 

Wendy Beck 1:21:52
So you-- 

Mallory 1:21:53
yeah, after I got to that, after I got to that first relationship, like with the guy that I talked to when I was in the halfway house, I got really miserable, and I talk about this as like the devilments in the big books. They talk about feeling of loneliness, not having a purpose, and-- They're talking about like alcoholism, but like I didn't-- I wasn't actively using, I wasn't actively drinking. I wasn't really sober though, either. I was dry, and I was suffering from like my ailments, and I started to just take like sobriety, really serious, but I still had all these other things that like aren't really addressed in AI. Like abusive relationships, and like prostitution, and like selling drugs for fast money for men, like a lot of times it's like a thing, like there's so many more things that like we pick up throughout life, not even like us, people that use substances, but just in general like that have it, so yeah, so I, I was in the, I got into this relationship with this, with a guy that I really, really loved, and really liked, and he was like three years He had spent like his whole life in a treatment, and finally felt like he was in a really good place, just the separate from a relationship for a long time, and I was doing this, and he found it on my phone. He found it on my phone and, uh, it crushed his world. And it shook me, and I had for the first time addressed. 

Wendy Beck 1:23:39
What 

Mallory 1:23:39
Like, 

Wendy Beck 1:23:39
you 

Mallory 1:23:40
what 

Wendy Beck 1:23:40
were 

Mallory 1:23:40
was going 

Wendy Beck 1:23:40
doing? 

Mallory 1:23:40
on and what was doing? And, uh, it was very interesting time for me because I was really worried about him, but also at same time, I've never felt like I got baptized like right before that. I was like really trying to like get to a point where like I wasn't doing that. I was like actively trying to work on it by myself. And that's the biggest mistake I ever made. It's what I kept the secret. Like, anything that you keep a secret in your sobriety, 

it will eat you alive. It will probably, like, I'm lucky that some of the things that I've done in my sobriety, haven't taken me back out. But, I have had to like, I always say, you can save your ass or you can save your face. And I tried to save my ass a lot of times by not being honest about like, for example, my prostitution and my sobriety. And then I had to like, er, I try to see my face I guess is what I'm saying. I try to see my face. And then, just it's been like, completely crushed. I've like, and I've shared about this in meeting, and I'm so honest in meetings. It's funny. Because like, I'll like go through it, like have all these like situations unfold and like really work through it. And I'll go into meetings and like, I mean, it's sad, sad and like humbling and vulnerable. I'll be crying and reading about things that I've worked through and people like, we'll get well soon. And I'm like, yeah, but it's fair. But I've like worked through that. That's why I'm sharing it now. 

Wendy Beck 1:25:12
It's always going to be a part of you. 

Mallory 1:25:13
yeah. 

Rich Bennett 1:25:13
It's always, 

Wendy Beck 1:25:15
like 

Rich Bennett 1:25:15
It's 

Wendy Beck 1:25:15
grief or anything 

Mallory 1:25:17
you 

Wendy Beck 1:25:17
else where just going through your life and you think, 

Mallory 1:25:19
and I I think 

Wendy Beck 1:25:21
that on it and then it just blinds eye 

Mallory 1:25:23
And I also think that it's to speak to, like, honesty and meetings. That like, it's so important to be honest and vulnerable. And like, sometimes that, like, puts you in a vulnerable situation 

Wendy Beck 1:25:32
to, right? 

Mallory 1:25:32
where you can be hurt. 

Wendy Beck 1:25:33
Your emotion, 

Mallory 1:25:34
But like, if you really want to, like, help people, like, I really want to help people. And if I went through something like that, I want to share it for the 

Rich Bennett 1:25:40
yeah. 

Mallory 1:25:40
world. 

Wendy Beck 1:25:41
Well, I get that 

Mallory 1:25:41
And 

Wendy Beck 1:25:41
too. 

Mallory 1:25:41
that's like an ammo for you to like use at me. Then like fair enough. 

Wendy Beck 1:25:44
Well, and I don't know if it's ammo because I've had, you know, I post stuff, you know, when 

Mallory 1:25:48
I 

Wendy Beck 1:25:50
Daughter's death or certain things that come and then people will write like, hug, sweetie, or thinking of you. And I'm just like, that's not I don't don't take me wrong because I do feed and they can 

Mallory 1:26:05
doing 

Wendy Beck 1:26:05
keep fine. I'm sharing for a greater purpose. And yes, it is emotional. It is, it, it is my heart. And it's never going to go away. But I don't need you to have pity on me. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I don't need you to do any of that. I'm doing what I'm doing for the people who are going through it. Like I went through it. 

Mallory 1:26:31
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:26:32
That's the difference. And maybe they don't even mean that. 

Mallory 1:26:34
I don't think they, I don't think they mean that, but I think 

Wendy Beck 1:26:37
I get what 

Mallory 1:26:37
doing 

Wendy Beck 1:26:37
you're saying now. You're I'm 

Mallory 1:26:40
strong. 

Wendy Beck 1:26:41
I don't need that. 

Mallory 1:26:42
Well, I think people when I share it and people say like, well, so they're like, they're like thinking like I'm currently 

Rich Bennett 1:26:49
Yeah. 

Mallory 1:26:49
actively like going through it. I'm talking about it. And I'm like, no, like, that's a past experience. I'm just like being wrong on us. And like, you don't always get that unfortunately. You don't always get that from people. 

Wendy Beck 1:26:57
Right. 

Mallory 1:26:58
And I wish that more people did that because I think that as a society, we would get better. If people were more and more straightforward, but it's, I mean, it's hard. 

Wendy Beck 1:27:08
And I like that we, we've really like dived in. Or addiction story. And not liked it because it was, because it was awful and I'm so sorry that 

Mallory 1:27:18
And 

Wendy Beck 1:27:18
that was 

Mallory 1:27:18
you're 

Wendy Beck 1:27:18
your 

Mallory 1:27:18
fine. 

Wendy Beck 1:27:19
road. You know, 

Mallory 1:27:19
that 

Wendy Beck 1:27:20
I'm, 

Mallory 1:27:20
today 

Wendy Beck 1:27:20
I'm because I know that the woman and you are strong. And you are beautiful. And you are one of the best people that I know. 

Smartness. 

Oh, she is. 

Rich Bennett 1:27:37
Oh, I know. 

Wendy Beck 1:27:38
Mine and her brain is just like, 

Mallory 1:27:41
I 

Wendy Beck 1:27:43
like slow down. No, you want her on your side and you want her on your team. And honestly, like we can go on and on about all of this because this has been 

Mallory 1:27:52
I'm 

Wendy Beck 1:27:52
long. 

Mallory 1:27:53
sorry. 

Wendy Beck 1:27:55
And I mean, you can't, 

for now. 

Mallory 1:28:11
was like to say for now. And it's also I say that too, because I used to get really comfortable about that because it has been far as so many people's story, but like it is possible. I've never had anyone else say so. 

Wendy Beck 1:28:20
I 

Mallory 1:28:24
Since this time being sober, I've never had, I've never had a relapse. I've never had a relapse since my first introduction to like treatment and rehab or sorry treatment and AI meetings and like that is possible. If that is something that 

Wendy Beck 1:28:41
When it 

Mallory 1:28:42
you 

Wendy Beck 1:28:42
happens, 

Mallory 1:28:42
yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:28:43
and people, 

Mallory 1:28:43
and people it's possible 

Wendy Beck 1:28:44
doing 

Mallory 1:28:44
for 

Wendy Beck 1:28:44
it right now. 

Mallory 1:28:45
But if you don't too, I know that I've worked with so many people that like have so many feelings about coming back because they're scared and like also like no one, no one is judging. 

yeah, and I also like, I speak to like being honest and being authentic too is like because I try to keep those things so separate. That like I was living a double life. 

Wendy Beck 1:29:12
Yeah, 

Mallory 1:29:13
And that was something I had to really, really work on in my counseling, is that like I am the same person I'm not bad because I did that and not good because I do all these things. Like, 

Rich Bennett 1:29:23
I 

Mallory 1:29:23
am to late and like, I am good at different and 

Wendy Beck 1:29:28
different and like you're learning your 

Mallory 1:29:29
Yeah, I'm, 

Wendy Beck 1:29:29
service just like 

Mallory 1:29:30
I'm 

Wendy Beck 1:29:30
all. 

Mallory 1:29:30
human 

Rich Bennett 1:29:32
and you're helping other people. 

Mallory 1:29:33
Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:29:34
Because in this story we'll definitely. 

Rich Bennett 1:29:36
You said you've always, you always 

are sometimes you have. You know, you really 

Mallory 1:29:44
are. 

Wendy Beck 1:29:44
Sometimes 

Rich Bennett 1:29:46
you're, troubles from yourself. 

Mallory 1:29:50
I've always helped people like throughout my life. I like never really like, I was talking to my son was going like my son got picked on. I guess a little bit. I mean, those wanting. Try out 

Wendy Beck 1:30:02
for what I'm 

Mallory 1:30:02
me. Soccer 

Wendy Beck 1:30:03
sorry 

Mallory 1:30:04
and my boyfriend's mom like, I believe people and I was like, I've never been like that. I used to get and fight with people because they're boring. 

Rich Bennett 1:30:11
I've

Mallory 1:30:11
always just like really cared about people, 

Wendy Beck 1:30:14
well, because you were not treated correctly. So, you know, you didn't want to see anyone else not be treated. The way they should. 

Well, thank you. 

not everybody is anonymous, but sometimes we need to be, so we can share our story confidently without judgment. And we thank you today for doing that. And 

Mallory 1:30:41
Well, 

Wendy Beck 1:30:42
if you know someone, you know, don't judge, they're, they're trying their best and they can come to the other side of it. And thank you

Rich & Wendy 1:30:51
Wendy, I understand that rage against addiction is doing something very important, a monthly donor program. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Absolutely. We are hoping to get our supporters to join us in providing a monthly donation. It can be $5 or it can be more whatever you can afford really allows us to help plan and increase our fundraising efforts. Well, why should people become a monthly donor? What are they doing to help? Their monthly contributions let us plan for long term projects and respond quickly when urgent needs arise. And I'll give you an example. We had the need for a new mattress and we've also had urgent needs for refrigerators and washing machines and all of that kind of stuff that comes up. So they tend to need to be replaced and our women deserve to have the things that they need. So with the monthly donor program, technically anybody can do it for any amount. And they're because rage against addiction always needs something. I've known, I've known you for years now, and there's times you've told me you guys need a furniture, you need clothes. And also you're not getting the grants that you use to or the contributions that you use to. So this monthly donor program will definitely help a lot. Yes. So somebody becomes a monthly donor. What is there anything that they're getting in return? besides of course helping those that need it. I know you guys have like an excellent newsletter, were they automatic? Yeah, we'll subscribe to that. We'll subscribe to our newsletter so you'll know what's going on, you can kind of track our progress. Here, success stories, know the data, and like how many women we serve each year, and just be a part of something bigger. So with this, I guess they're also going to be because of the newsletter, they're going to be one of the first ones to find out about events coming up like the memory walk and run the pay-escape thing go and any other future events that you're doing, the podcast that you do. So they're going to be tied in right away. Yes. Alright, so how can they become a monthly donor? You can go to our website and that is rage against addiction. org and go to our donate button and on there you will have the option to become a monthly donor and you can put in any amount that you want. Your commitment, bigger small, empowers our mission and changes lives every single day. Visit us at rage against addiction. org to become a reoccurring donor and join us in making a lasting impact. Thank you for your compassion, generosity, and belief in a brighter future. Together we can make a difference. Join us today.